(Clearwisdom.net) It has been a year since I started practicing Falun Dafa. Immediately upon reading Zhuan Falun, I knew this book could really guide me to higher levels. I had no doubt about it. Although there was a lot I couldn't understand, I never doubted Teacher's words. But during this year of my practice, I have been having some tribulations, including very difficult illness karma. Sometimes I have really had a hard time, and have even wondered whether I could manage to continue cultivation at all. During these times, I always felt that I just had no other choice but to continue, because this really is the path I want to take.

When I thought about the three things Teacher told us to do, I sometimes did better, but sometimes I also didn't do so good. Then a few weeks ago I just came to a point in my cultivation when I realized that I couldn't go on like this. I felt that even though I tried and tried, I still hadn't made any progress, and the same thoughts and same attachments were still there. I felt so bad. I didn't want to see other practitioners, I didn't want to even think about anything. Even the thoughts that did come to mind felt so dirty, so full of intention and notions, that I could not bear it.

Although I knew that studying the Fa was the most important thing, I did not exactly understand what studying meant. I did read, but always with the purpose of searching for some answers. I knew somehow that this was wrong, and I even tried to convince myself that I was not searching for answers, and that my mind was open. Then why did I feel that I still could not advance? Something was wrong. I read Teacher's new lectures, and I tried to understand them and "do my best," but there was always some kind of selfish purpose of gaining by practicing Falun Dafa. It was so hidden, I did not even see it, but it affected everything, including sending righteous thoughts and doing Dafa work.

I understood that I just had to start doing things differently. I realized that although I studied the Fa, I did not really concentrate on upgrading my xingxing (mind or heart nature, moral character). I remembered I had that pure thought originally when I started practicing. I really wanted to follow Zhen-Shan-Ren. Now I realized that although I knew a lot more, and understood a lot more than in the beginning, I somehow still behaved a lot like before, and thought that was good enough. But how could I ever come to a higher level if I did not follow the requirements of a higher level? If my thoughts did not change, if my behavior did not change, how could I ever really think I could understand more? No Buddha, Dao or God would ever let me.

A few days ago I was reading the Sydney lecture of 1997, in which Teacher talks about how modern people find it difficult to cultivate in religions because of their inability to understand the true meaning of what was said originally. There was one sentence that touched me: "Still later, people began to regard how much one reads the scriptures and how much Buddhist knowledge one masters as cultivation practice." He was referring to the scriptures that were written later, by somebody other than Sakyamuni himself. I looked at myself very hard and understood that although I knew Zhuan Falun was really able to guide me, and it really contained only words written by our Teacher, I still did not understand the true meaning of what Teacher was saying. I did still not understand the Fa on a higher level, because I did not really behave according to Zhen Shan Ren on a higher level. I did not understand that it is not about how much you read. In fact, I was doing just like people in religions. I was reading, but not cultivating. I could see my attachments very clearly, but had not really done much to get rid of them.

When I realized this, all of a sudden I remembered a lot of things in Zhuan Falun, and I understood them differently. I realized that my studying was never in vain, but everything was only waiting for the upgrading of my Xinxing. I felt light, and really moved by the greatness of Dafa. I know now that whenever I feel bad, I have to look inside and see if I really am studying Dafa and really trying to act according to Zhen Shan Ren, or do I also need to concentrate more on upgrading my Xinxing.

Please remember when reading this, that this is only my own understanding at my level.