(Clearwisdom.net) Throughout the five-year persecution of Falun Gong, Jiang's faction has applied the most hideous, despicable, and inhumane means to torture Falun Gong practitioners in an attempt to force them to renounce their belief. Countless practitioners have been arrested and forced into various labor camps, prisons, brainwashing centers, and even mental institutions simply because they persevered in their belief, clarified the truth about Falun Gong, and safeguarded people's right to know the truth. The numerous tortures cannot simply be described with words. The purpose of the tortures has been to "transform," i.e., to force Falun Gong practitioners to choose between physical death and spiritual demise.

As a veteran practitioner, I have benefited greatly from Falun Dafa, and learned many principles of human conduct and the law of the cosmos. I know that Falun Dafa is good. I determined that I would never capitulate and would remain steadfast to the truth, even if it meant giving up my life.

Yet,

"Grand talk counts for naught when it comes to life and death, Actions reveal what is true." ("The Knowing Heart")

After more than a year of the most strenuous and harsh labor camp life, to evade the cruel torture and to secure my freedom ahead of time, I allowed myself to be transformed by the evil against my conscience.

My fellow practitioners who knew me were all shocked because of this. We all experienced many ordeals in that harsh and hideous environment. While passing each other we exchanged fervent encouragement with a simple, unyielding glance, and we swore to each other that we would cultivate in Dafa to the end. Yet I was "transformed!" A diamond-like Dafa practitioner would never waiver because others were "transformed," but my "transformation" in the face of the great tribulation faced by Dafa certainly shifted my own tribulation onto other steadfast Dafa practitioners, and also pushed away my own responsibility to safeguard Dafa onto other practitioners. This is betrayal -- betrayal of Dafa, betrayal of my own solemn pledge, and betrayal of my own conscience. Between righteousness and wickedness, I chose the latter. The result of my betrayal was the never-ending agony of my soul and the loss of my yearning for the magnificent "Truthfulness, Benevolence, Forbearance." I never felt happiness again after my "transformation," and I no longer had the peace of mind that results from being assimilated to the Fa (1), after I was released from detention.

Even though I witnessed fellow practitioners being tortured one after another in the dark dungeon at the labor camp, I did not have the courage to step forward to oppose it. Torture was illegal against any inmates, let alone Dafa practitioners who never broke any law. Yet their innocence was persecuted. I witnessed that the guards deceived practitioners and society with their "tender loving care" façade, yet behind the scenes it was all brutal and atrocious torture. Yet, I participated in the labor camp's Chinese New Year party, "Praise the guard," to further dress up the evil. Wasn't this acting as an accomplice to cover up their crime? Any person with a righteous heart would feel such an act was wrong, and worse yet, despicable. Yet if I tried to step forward to oppose them in that hideous environment, what was awaiting me was further atrocities. If I did not follow the script established by the guards to praise them, to "expose and criticize" Dafa, then I had not been thoroughly "transformed," and I still had traces left behind. What lay ahead was the same torture. Therefore, once I chose to be transformed, I chose death of the spirit; I chose between my spirit and my physical body. Out of fear I did things for the evil, even if it was against my conscience. Such deeds truly harm sentient beings.

Even though the purest yearning from the innermost depths of a person's true nature is the righteous faith in "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance," for a very long period after I was released, I became delinquent and drifted with the tide. The reason was that in present-day China under the dictatorship of Jiang Zemin, pornography, violence, gambling, forgery and fraud, counterfeit merchandise, corruption, acquiring money, etc. such scandalous social phenomena are considered the "norm." Going along with such scandalous acts doesn't bring any persecution to you. On the other hand, getting close to Falun Gong -- whether you practice it or are sympathetic towards it, or even utter just one true sentence on behalf of Falun Gong -- brings the persecution waged by the entire nation. This was unthinkable when I was practicing Falun Gong before the persecution. A person guided by the principle of "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance" would never be corrupted by such dirty and filthy thoughts. Even I knew these things were bad, but I no longer possessed the same resolute yearning and faith towards "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance" as when I actively practiced Falun Gong; neither could I act like a true and righteous man. Such sinful thoughts saved me from suffering from persecution, but they actually dragged me towards the abyss of degeneration, towards hell. This was precisely the evil objective of Jiang's regime: destroying Falun Gong practitioners' spirit and faith.

I started to lose sleep because of my tormented thoughts. I did not want to plummet and degenerate, I wanted to be a model citizen and a good man, a man with righteous and pure thoughts, and I knew that only Falun Dafa could change me and set me on the path towards that goal. Yet Jiang's group wreaked havoc in China; nobody cared if my spirit degenerated, but I would be savagely persecuted if I practiced "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance." Every time I tried to regain my composure and conduct myself as a kind, pure and truthful person who dared to speak the truth, the savage bad thoughts in my head would interfere, "Look at yourself, you have lied, you watched pornography, you capitulated in front of the evil's torture, you have fallen and degenerated. How could you ever regain a pure, true and compassionate soul?" Hearing that, I once more felt despair and hopelessness. I hesitated, and I contemplated...

How could a person's life lack "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance?" Does China have no need for these principles? China does need them. The world needs them. Even if we do not practice Falun Gong, we all need these principles.

The evildoers never realized that even though they may torture or kill Dafa practitioners, the seeds of "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance" are planted in the soul of every Dafa practitioner. The evil can destroy some practitioners' spirit, but Dafa could rebuild them. That was why after Jiang's faction exhausted its entire means to persecute Falun Gong for five years, employing one quarter of the country's financial resources, Falun Gong still stands tall. Even after going through the atrocious persecution, the fright and the fear, even after I gave in to the evil persecution and degenerated, my yearning for "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance" could not be changed. That was the yearning from the innermost part of my soul. Perhaps I had been weak before, but a huge tree -- Falun Dafa -- was still shielding me, opening a patch of sky with the purest truth and kindness. That was the return path to home. I finally mustered my courage and returned to the path of cultivating "Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance."

Let us recognize the persecution by Jiang's regime and let us fully expose it to the world. This will be salvation not only for ourselves, but for countless sentient beings.

(1) Fa: Law and principles; the teachings of Falun Dafa.