(Clearwisdom.net) Under the evil persecution, my path has been a perilous one. Through tribulations, I enlightened to the true meaning of life, and realized the solemnity of Falun Dafa practice. I feel so happy and lucky that I attained Falun Dafa during this period, and I feel ashamed for those things I have done which have put a stain on Falun Dafa.
After I was arrested, police officers at the jail deprived me of sleep for 66 days, and repeatedly beat me until I lost consciousness. After being brainwashed by lies, my righteous thoughts weakened. I forgot that I was a Falun Dafa practitioner during the Fa-rectification period, and my main spirit lost control. I yielded to the evil, and went astray.
After going astray, I was confused. I was slow to respond, lacked reason, and behaved abnormally. At my lowest point, I looked mentally unbalanced.
After coming back home from the forced labor camp, fellow practitioners actively talked to me and send forth righteous thoughts for me. From their peaceful expressions, I saw their concern for me. Their compassion woke me up and energized my true self. They saved me by risking their lives and sacrificing their own benefits. Back then, the local government organized brainwashing sessions. If fellow practitioners had been indifferent to me, and if they had not risked their very lives to approach me, my life would have been ruined. It's fellow practitioners' righteous thoughts that suppressed the evil. I thank them for their help.
In this enormously compassionate atmosphere, I gradually woke up. I realized that I had gone the wrong way, and was heading toward an abyss. I know I have committed great sins and was frightened afterwards. It's our compassionate Teacher who gave me one more chance to survive. I feel so sorry for having caused trouble for our Teacher.
Referring to the three major tasks (1) our Teacher asks us to do with fellow practitioners, what does it mean to have done them well? I thought about it for a long time. I have been distributing truth clarifying materials, I have been studying Falun Dafa books, and I have been sending forth righteous thoughts, so why do I feel that sometimes my gains are not proportional to the evil that I have done? What's wrong with me? By looking inward for a long time, I found myself seeking rewards and being selfish. For example, I do things because I want to build up my own prestige, and whenever I did something, I determined that this time I'd done a lot, I felt prestigious, and was secretly happy in my mind. Aren't those secret thoughts of selfishness and seeking recognition? Another concept I had is that if I did not do well, I would not consummate, and would go to the Gate of No-Life. Isn't that a mentality of fear? I should have realized that the right mentality is to just do things by following the requirements of Falun Dafa without seeking reward or benefits.
So what is "eliminating all attachments"? What are righteous thoughts and actions? Where is my right starting point? With such fundamental attachments, how can such a life be indestructible? I finally realized that that is why I failed in the evil tests and went astray. On the surface, I did a lot of vigorous things, and even earned esteem from fellow practitioners, but with my human attachments, what I had done is only superficial. Only when we get rid of our human attachments can we truly become divine. Otherwise, I can't even figure out that I'm wrong when I have done wrong.
October 22, 2004
(1) Teacher Li has asked practitioners to study the Fa (Law and principles; the teachings of Falun Dafa), send forth righteous thoughts, and clarify the truth of Falun Dafa and the persecution to all people.