(Clearwisdom.net) I started to practice Falun Dafa in September of 1998. It was still possible to do group Fa study at that time. Every day I would go to the practice site to practice and study the Fa. I wouldn't miss it even when there was rain or wind. I was very diligent, and I advanced very quickly.
After the persecution started on July 20, 1999, we moved into the Fa-rectification cultivation period. On this road of Fa-rectification, I understood the mission and responsibilities of Dafa disciple in the Fa-rectification period. I also understood the three things Dafa disciples must do well. Under the persecution, I still firmly walked my path.
However, I found that my main consciousness was not firm on some things. I couldn't make up my mind on anything I did. I lost my ability to decide for myself, and wanted to depend on others. Sometimes, I knew that what I had done was correct, however, when other people presented different views, I couldn't make up my mind anymore. I made other people's ideas the standard for myself and followed others, changing my way of doing things.
A few days ago I wrote down my cultivation experience and asked a fellow disciple to help proofread it. When I was typing it, the practitioner asked me to read it out for her. When I finished reading a paragraph, the disciple noted that the paragraph did not flow well. I replied, "You just change it then, change it to however you feel. Whatever sentences you don't want you just take it out." The disciple said with a serious tone, "I can help you proofread your spelling mistakes. If there's something that I can do to make the structure of the sentences better, I can do that too. However, the meaning and content I cannot change. If I changed that would it be what you wrote? You have to have your own main consciousness! If I took what you wrote and changed it to my liking, then wouldn't it be something I wrote?" That fellow disciple's word woke me up. Isn't always following and accepting others' opinions without my own thinking the result of fear, over-analysing things, self-protection and other human behaviours, as well as qing? As a Dafa disciple we should cultivate our righteous thoughts, walk our own path and righteously enlighten to our own attainment status. That is mighty virtue. How could I continue like this? I had been like this for more than a year.
This March I wrote down my cultivation experience, and gave it to a fellow disciple to read. He said, "This kind of article you wrote, there are tons like it on Clearwisdom.net, and they are all better than yours as well." When I heard his words, I didn't say anything and just tore up the article. That disciple also said, "Don't be afraid to write something not good. Every article can be submitted to Clearwisdom. Fellow practitioners at Clearwisdom have good judgement in deciding. Whether it gets published or not isn't relevant, the process of writing is also the process of cultivation." I then wrote down some new cultivation experiences and also wrote about the persecution. However, just a while ago, this fellow disciple was illegally arrested and persecuted. My condition also wasn't very good. I had much fear, and ripped my article up again. I really had to find the reason why I was this way. Was this a condition that a Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple should have?
Compassionate Master pointed out my problem to me many times, and made me remember a dream I had had before. A fellow disciple and I were on a huge road riding our bicycles. That disciple was in front and was very well balanced. I was behind. However, I couldn't balance the bicycle well. I couldn't hold the handles. At last I couldn't ride it anymore, and the handles disappeared. I couldn't find them. After I woke up I knew it was Master's reminder. However, I didn't look within myself. I felt it was just a dream and didn't give it that much thought. It was during this time that I slacked off in my own cultivation, and lost my will to advance like before. Before, I could recite much of the Fa, however, this time, I almost couldn't remember any Fa. I couldn't think of the Fa in my mind. Sometimes disciples would talk about a certain lecture. It seemed like I had no recollection of it at all. The reason why I sent forth righteous thoughts was for self-protection. I was very afraid. During the day I was afraid to turn on the computer. At night I would shut down all the machines and not make any truth-clarification materials if I heard something outside. Eventually, no matter whether it was day or night, I was too scared to turn on the computer. Every week I could produce only a few truth-clarification magazines. I was too fearful to make truth clarifying materials. When fellow practitioners asked me for materials, I would feel tremendous pressure. Some anxious disciples would say, "You are hindering the salvation of all sentient beings. Sentient beings are waiting for truth clarifying material and you still can't make it now." Afterwards, fellow disciples saw that my mindset and condition wasn't good, and helped me send forth righteous thoughts, encouraged me to study the Fa more and sent forth righteous thoughts to clean out my environment.
Through studying the Fa, my righteous thoughts became much stronger. My fear went away as well. Once again, no matter if it was day or night, I could produce Dafa materials normally. No matter how many materials other practitioners wanted, I could make them. I didn't feel that heavy pressure anymore either. I realised that not having a strong main consciousness and righteous thoughts was because of a lack of Fa study. Righteous thoughts are from the Fa. How can you have righteous thoughts if you don't study the Fa well? Only when cultivating within the Fa did I feel truly safe. Truly advancing within the Fa! Master said in his new article, "The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be,"
"Actually, if you think about it, the cultivators of the past didn't dare to slack off for even a second, and that was when it took an entire lifetime to complete the journey. So how can Dafa disciples--who are to achieve the Attainment Status of a being who is saved by Dafa and who have the most convenient cultivation way--not be even more diligent when they are given this most glorious honor of Fa-validating cultivation in a brief cultivation period that passes in the blink of an eye?"
That is right! We really have to be more diligent, and walk the last part of our path well!
After reading the Clearwisdom Digest, I learned that many fellow disciples enthusiastically participated in voluntarily submitting their articles to Clearwisdom.net, especially this other disciple who wrote, "I will also submit a draft." It affected me greatly. I understood that other than clarifying the truth, the Clearwisdom website is also our Dafa disciple's cultivation website. Every practitioner that submits their articles is disintegrating the origin of evil; it is completely repudiating the old forces. At the same time it is also assisting Master in Fa-rectification and saving sentient beings. Clearwisdom.net is a cultivation environment aimed toward every fellow disciple's advancement. So, I decided to write this experience to share with my fellow practitioners. I am determined to righteously face my deficiencies, recognize them, disintegrate them, and discover my true self.