(Clearwisdom.net) Ever since the day my wife and I married, our life was full of arguments. My wife had a short temper, and she would lose it every week or two. We often fought because of minor things.
I later started to learn Falun Dafa. When I first read the book Zhuan Falun, I was immediately attracted to the broad and profound principles of the Fa.
I have learned to search within myself when encountering conflicts. In the past, I always reprimanded others for their lack of kindness while speaking, and inadvertently hurt others. Now, I examine how I, as a cultivator, have done. I used to talk and laugh happily when I was with my colleagues, but once I returned home, I was cold and disagreeable. I took an offensive attitude when speaking, so obviously it was I who had caused the conflicts with my wife. Furthermore, I was lazy at home and rarely did housework. After I found these shortcomings, I corrected them. I started to treat my wife with compassion. I also changed my habit of being lazy and tried to do more housework.
After I did all this, she still often found excuses to get angry. What was the reason? Master said in Zhuan Falun ("Lecture Four"),
"In cultivation practice, there may be two scenarios when dealing with specific conflicts or when others treat you badly. One is that you might have treated this person badly in your previous life. You feel in your heart that it is unfair, 'How can this person treat me like this?' Then why did you treat this person that way in the past? You might claim that you actually did not know it at that time, and this life has nothing to do with the other life. That does not work. There is another issue. In conflicts, the issue of transforming karma is involved. Therefore, in dealing with specific conflicts we should be forgiving instead of acting like ordinary people."
Was this what Master was talking about? There must be some karmic causes for her to get angry. As a cultivator, I should not fight with her.
After the persecution began, the evil came in an overwhelming way. The pressure from society, family, and the conflicts with my wife were overwhelming. In a very short time, my hair turned grey.
My wife often treated me in an angry and ferocious way. She believed in the evil propaganda, so she cooperated with the evil and watched me at home. She did not allow me to go out, nor did she allow me to do the exercises. Initially I just took it passively, and I endured her actions over and over. However, in my heart, I really could not bear it. As a result, I developed a chest pain, and even thought of dying. I said, "I do not want to live. You would surely stop making trouble if I died before you. Isn't it that I owe you from a previous life? In this life I'll pay you back with my life to end this karmic relationship."
Once when I silently recited Master's poem "Assisting Fa" in Hong Yin, I suddenly realized that I should never have the thought of ending my life. If I give up this human body, how could I still continue cultivation? How could I, "Assist Master with the journey in the world." [from "Assisting Fa" in Hong Yin] Furthermore, Dafa forbids suicide. What a dangerous thought! At this grim time, I could not blemish Dafa's name and leave excuses for the evil to use to slander Dafa. The evil has been forcing me to walk in that direction, so I stopped moving along that path arranged by the old forces. Ever since then, I have no longer had the thought of killing myself.
I started to clarify the truth to my wife. In the beginning, she did not listen. Then I began talking to her about the changes that I had experienced as a cultivator. I said, "In the past my health was bad and I needed to be hospitalized almost once a year. Now my health is good. In the past, I often argued and even had physical fights with you. After I learned Dafa, I have never struck you again. I also try not to argue with you." After repeatedly talking with her this way, she no longer interfered with my doing the exercises. However, she still did not want me to go out to clarify the truth. Furthermore, she still occasionally lost her temper and would be angry with me for days.
Fellow practitioners had already stepped forward to clarify the truth, but I was still restricted by my family and could not step forward. I realized that the fundamental reason was still my attachment of fear. I was afraid that my family would learn about my arguments with my wife. I was afraid that the evil would discover my intention and arrest me again. I was afraid that my child's future would be jeopardized. However, if I did not step forward, how could I fulfill my responsibility as a practitioner to safeguard the Fa and save sentient beings? But how could I step forward?
Talking with the fellow practitioners, one of them reminded me to study Master's article "Expounding on the Fa" (Essentials for Further Advancement) several more times. Another practitioner reminded me to send forth righteous thoughts. Why was I bogged down in the tribulations without realizing that the evil had exploited my gaps to endlessly cause interference? Master said,
"As a matter of fact, this results from an inadequate understanding of the Fa by your human side. You have humanly restrained your divine side; in other words, you have restrained the parts that have been successfully cultivated and have prevented them from doing Fa-rectification."
("Expounding on the Fa" in Essentials for Further Advancement)
Then I started to study a series of Master's Fa from the beginning. When I read Master's article "Foretelling the Fa's Rectification of the Human World" (Essentials for Further Advancement II), I suddenly understood that,
"all of the chaotic world's unrighted wrongs and karmic relationships are settled with benevolent solutions."
Every unrighted wrong and karmic relationship can be settled with a benevolent solution, but the prerequisite is that we must have cultivated ourselves well and acted righteously. While I always held the notion of karmic relationship and paying back for my karma and just endured it passively, the old forces would continue to increase my tribulation and bog me down in it.
After I understood the Fa, I knew what I should do. First, I sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the demons and all the evil that were controlling my wife. While sending forth righteous thoughts, I saw a big cluster of demons separate from her body and gradually disappear. Second, I searched within myself. Regarding my being afraid of this or that, I studied many of Master's articles. Master said, "If you have fear, it will seize you" ("What Is There to Be Afraid of," Provisional translation from Hong Yin II). My experience has also proved that whatever thing I was afraid of would come, and the more I was afraid of it, the more likely it would come. So as a Dafa disciple, what Master has asked us to do is the most righteous thing, so why did I get scared? Who had become scared? Was it me? No. It was those bad things hidden inside my body, and they were the interfering evil elements. It was they that became scared and did not want me to walk the path of assisting Master in the Fa-rectification.
To resolve this, I first sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the bad things in my mind and body, as well as the evil that was damaging Dafa and interfering with my walking the path of Fa-rectification cultivation. While I was sending righteous thoughts, I saw the evil things being eliminated.
I then followed my fellow practitioners and stepped forward to do truth-clarification work. I sometimes went out in the daytime and sometimes at night to distribute truth-clarification materials. When I clarified the truth face to face, I started with people I knew and then moved on to those I did not know.
Each part of the process of my stepping forward is also one of overcoming fear and eliminating the evil. I clarified the truth to my family members, and they no longer try to prevent me from stepping forward. I talked with my wife, and the conversation was peaceful, but when I talked about the contents of the truth-clarification materials, she suddenly became angry. She not only swore at me, but also spit on me. It was as if she'd lost her mind. This clearly showed that she was controlled by evil. I then sent forth righteous thoughts with strong determination. Since then, whenever she becomes angry, I would silently send forth righteous thoughts and she would gradually calm down.
With the progress of the overall Fa rectification situation, my family environment has also gradually become better. I have more peaceful days now in my home than before. My wife now rarely becomes angry. When she occasionally gets angry, I just let her have her way. I humor her, but I do not get moved and do not get angry. Now she accepts my truth clarification, and she has agreed to withdraw from the CCP.
As I write this, some new understandings have come to mind again. In the past, I felt wronged and thought about ending my own life. How foolish I was! Here I want to share some of my understandings with fellow practitioners. No matter how difficult the situation we are in, we should never think of taking our own lives. We still need to assist Master in rectifying the Fa, and the sentient beings are still waiting for Dafa disciples to save them. It has taken several years for me to make such a little breakthrough in my understanding. Indeed, it took far too long. The main reason was that I didn't pay enough attention to Fa study, so my progress in cultivation suffered. I hope that fellow practitioners can take this as a lesson.