(Clearwisdom.net) I am a veteran practitioner, and also a senior citizen, but I have not been diligent in the last few years. I didn't cultivate solidly as per Teacher's requirements. Instead, I didn't do well in the midst of setbacks. Fortunately, I now recognize my attachments.
I began practicing in 1996. Before practicing Falun Gong, I had all kinds of diseases, such as diabetes, chronic fatigue, heart disease, hepatitis and migraines. I once tried to cure my diseases with qigong, which I spent lot of money on, and by taking various medicines, but all to no avail. After beginning Falun Gong practice, I was strict with myself and did everything according to the principles from 1996 to 2001. I studied the Fa and did the exercises diligently. Teacher purified my body and all my diseases disappeared. Before practicing, I often had to avoid certain types of food due to my diabetes. I also suffered insomnia and had a bad temper because of migraines. After I started practicing Falun Dafa, my insomnia & diabetes disappeared, and for the first time, I enjoyed life without these diseases.
In 2002 however, the evil deprived my husband of his life. He was also a practitioner. I was in a deep sorrow and could not overcome it. I was unwilling to contact people, and isolated myself in the bedroom, making things difficult in my cultivation process. Additionally, the relationship with my family members became tense. I would cry and fight with them. I pitied myself and blamed others, saying they loathed me. I missed my late husband, and as a result I was in a state of an ordinary person. I forgot that I was a practitioner.
Because I indulged in deep sorrow, the old forces found an excuse to persecute me. One day in December 2003, I suddenly had such a bad stomachache that I could not even move. So I sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the interference and listened to Teacher's lectures continuously. Very soon my stomachache stopped, but I began to vomit. I vomited to the point that I trembled. This lasted for an entire day. What I threw up had the taste of poison. I suffered from it for one month and could only eat congee or soup.
My family was afraid and wanted to take me to the hospital. At that point, I realized that my state was not right. Just because I had an attachment, the evil found an excuse to persecute me. I therefore told my family that I was a practitioner and that Teacher saved me again and again, but hospital could not save me. I began to send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the interference and denied the arrangement of the old forces.
I told them that even if I had an omission, they did not deserve to test me, and I only walk the way Teacher arranged for me. The responsibilities of Falun Dafa practitioners are critical. We are here to save sentient beings. We must not be ruined by the evil. I begged Teacher and righteous gods to support me and I sent forth more righteous thoughts. I then eventually stopped vomiting. Teacher's salvation and mercy pulled me up again.
I calmed down and looked within after this tribulation. I asked myself what attachments caused this tribulation. I then discovered that my sentimentality (qing) was quite intense.
I also realized that I had another attachment to cleanliness. This attachment made troubles for my family and caused unnecessary conflicts. For example, I declared that I would refuse to eat certain food if somebody passed a pot above that dish ("passing a pot above the dish" is a Chinese superstition, expressing fear that food had become tainted) causing my family to get upset during the meal.
Being suspicious was another obstacle. I was suspicious of others, often thinking they loathed me. This attachment resulted from a notion formed when I was young. I had a very strong attachment to being the center of attention and thought I was correct in most cases. I could not endure disagreements, and felt others should accept my opinion or I would feel lost. Because of this notion, I often had conflicts with others.
In "Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference" (May 23, 2004), Teacher said:
"Have you noticed that a lot of our students can't take criticism from others? As soon as they are criticized they get mad and aren't able to take it. These things stick out pretty badly now. Think about it carefully. You can't even take criticism from me, your master. Today you all know that Master is truly doing things for your sake and has been speaking about the Fa to you with compassion. If I were to change my demeanor and talk to you bluntly, immediately you wouldn't be able to take it, really."
In addition, I was not diligent in my Fa study and practicing the exercises. On the surface, I was studying the Fa every day, but in reality I would daydream while reading. I would think over the words I had said to others but later disliked them and tried to think of finding chances to talk back or "explain." I was satisfied with my listening to the Fa every day, but actually I always fell asleep, even before the lecture finished. When I practiced the exercises, the music usually stopped but I was not aware of it and continued doing the same movements again and again.
It meant that I was far from being serious in my cultivation practice, which was the fundamental issue in my life.
Teacher told us again and again,
"Dafa is solemn, and cultivation is a serious matter--it's not child's play. Do you think you could just obtain this whenever you want? Do you think you could just obtain it anytime at your convenience? It's not up to you. If you lose it you will lose it forever." ("Teaching the Fa at the Eastern U.S. Conference")
Especially as a veteran practitioner, I should study the Fa diligently and should not even relax a bit on my cultivation path.
I discovered my shortcomings and today and wanted to let the old forces know that although I had several human attachments and sometimes these attachments were serious, the old forces absolutely could not arrange my fate. I only walk the path that Teacher arranged. On my future cultivation path, I will constantly remind myself to let go of human notions and be diligent. I will not allow the old forces to use any excuses to persecute me. Then the evil will disappear even without being actively eliminated. I will not let Teacher down and I will get rid of my attachments and do the three things that Dafa practitioners should do, keeping up with the Fa-rectification.