(Clearwisdom.net) It has been four years since I began studying the Fa. It is really wonderful, and I feel fortunate to cultivate in Dafa. I encountered a xinxing test some days ago. Once again I felt Master's compassionate salvation and the divine power of Dafa.
It happened like this. After 10:00 p.m. one night, my non-practitioner husband came home drunk. He threw his clothes on the sofa and went to bed. I was sitting on the sofa memorizing the Fa at the time. My husband is a non-smoker. His clothes smelled strongly of alcohol and cigarettes. I had difficulty focusing on remembering the Fa. I picked up his clothes to throw them into the corner of the room. As I did, two ID cards and some bank statements fell out of his pocket. I took a curious look and saw a deposit slip. How dare he have a private account behind my back! My husband has never quarreled with me in the ten odd years since we have been married and has always listened to my opinions. I have long become used to his compliance. Also, I had stopped working quite a few years ago.
I immediately realized that this was a test for me. I reminded myself again and again to let go of things, but still felt immensely uneasy deep inside. When I was sending forth righteous thoughts at 11:00 p.m. I could not get that deposit slip off my mind. I could not send forth righteous thoughts, even when I erected my hand. I started to recite Master's poem,
"Although cultivation matters are discussed
Attachments of the heart must be discarded
What is given up is not one’s self
It’s all foolishness in the maze"
("Discarding Attachments" from Hong Yin II, translation version B)
I thought, "Am I assimilating myself to Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance? It is not the real me that cannot let go of things. Let go and memorize the Fa."
Normally when I memorize the Fa with a calm mind, I can memorize three to five paragraphs an hour, but that time I could not manage to remember even one paragraph. After sending forth righteous thoughts at midnight I went to bed. I usually fall asleep straight away, but that night I was still awake after 1:00 am. I could not let go and wanted to find out why he did what he did.
The next morning I asked him about the deposit slip. He tried to avoid looking me in the eye and said, "I have a headache. I'll talk to you later." If I had not practiced Dafa, I would have made a big fuss by then. But now I'm a Dafa practitioner. I thought I should endure it, but I was still not happy. He came home at lunch and pretended as if nothing had happened. He said to me, "My dear, the money is my mother's money." "Your mother's money?" I blurted out. "You think I'm a fool? The money in question is not that much for us, but for my mother-in-law and my brother-in-law, they could not have saved that much even if they did not spend money on anything for years." I continued, "I'm warning you. If you don't want to tell me, then don't, but you should never lie to me, because lying can bring you more karma, and you have to suffer to pay back the karma. All the sufferings in life are due to karma!"
He nodded his head in thought after he heard me out. Then he said to me, "You are being too emotional. Let's talk when you calm down." When evening came, he was still trying to convince me of his lies. I had not let go of it in the first place. When I saw him still telling lies I got angry and said, "All right. Let's not talk about it anymore. But tomorrow you must get our house key back from your mother." Since my mother-in-law often visits us, we had given her a key. "Why?" he asked, "Can't you calm down." "I'm very calm," I replied. "Our house is not free for all. I give you one day to get the key back. If you don't, I will get it back, because I will feel even more agitated if I see her!"
I refused to take any notice of him on the third day when he tried to speak with me in the morning. Our 10-year-old son, a young practitioner, said to me, "Mom, you must maintain your xinxing. Don't get angry. You and dad should live in harmony."
I realized then that it was Master giving me a hint through our son. After I had sent him to school I went to see my parents, who are both practitioners, and told them what had happened. My parents said, " Judging from his character, he would not do anything like this. It is obviously a test for you and a test for us, too. Why do you want to get the key back from his mother? This has nothing to do with her. It is not appropriate to do that. You shouldn't do tit. What he did is a test arranged by Master to test your xinxing. He might not even be sure himself why he did this." That was so right.
Didn't Master say,
"If you ask your spouse later, 'Why do you get so upset if I practice qigong?' he or she cannot explain it and will really be out of reasons. 'Really, why did I become so angry and worked up at that time?'" (Lecture Four in Zhuan Falun)
When I thought of this I felt better. When I left my parents' home, they told me to quickly tell my husband not to ask his mother for the key. It was not the right thing to do. I left and thought about what a loss of face it would mean if I took back what I had said. Did what I say not count anymore? Then I reminded myself: Isn't this the fighting mentality? I have been cultivating for a few years, and yet such obvious attachments are still so strong. I have really done badly. I must get rid of this fighting mentality through cultivation. I must endure. This should not be so hard for a genuine cultivator.
While I was thinking about this, divine thoughts and human notions kept balancing themselves on the scale. When I got home I was quite upset. I thought: Why is it that I cannot do well, even though I know clearly that it is a test for me? Why do I always feel it is my husband's fault instead of looking inward?
"Someone said to me: Teacher, it’s enough to be a good person among everyday people. Who can succeed in cultivation? After hearing that, I felt really disappointed!" (Lecture Eight in Zhuan Falun)
Wouldn't my current state make Master feel even more disappointed?
Master said,
"These are all your own tribulations that we use to improve your xinxing, and you will be able to overcome them. As long as you upgrade your xinxing, you can overcome them. Unless you, yourself do not want to do so, you can make it, provided you want to overcome them." "Thus, when you encounter a conflict, I would say that it is to transform your black substance into the white substance, de." "If you compete and fight like an ordinary person, you are an ordinary person. If you outdo him, you are even worse than that ordinary person. " "As long as you have them, all of those attachments must be removed in different environments." (Lecture Four in Zhuan Falun)
Once I understood this Fa principle, I immediately felt relaxed and felt it was not really difficult to take back what I had said. My husband came home at lunch. I told him calmly, "There are a few things I would like to say to you. You don't have to get the key from your mother. What I did does not conform to the Fa. Also, in the future you only need to give me fixed living expenses every month; the rest of the money is yours. I won't ask you for it anymore, and you do not need to tell me how much you earn." After I finished I could see mixed feelings in his eyes: touch, regret, guilt, and, most of all, surprise. He sincerely said, "Dafa disciples are truly good!" Then he told me everything about the account and said he was not even sure why he did it.
After this I reflected upon what had happened: the whole process was changing, along with the changes in myself. When conflicts arise, we should not just look at them superficially. As long as we do things according to the Fa, the results will be the best.
Lastly, I would like to remind those practitioners who cannot do well during tests, even though they realize they are tests: You must not give up on passing those tests. You will do well if you keep encouraging yourself. This is definitely so, because we are Dafa disciples. We have Master and we have the Fa!