(Clearwisdom.net) Whenever I read fellow practitioners' articles about fundamental attachments in Minghui Weekly, I always asked myself: "What was my fundamental attachment when I began to practice Falun Gong?" After some thinking, however, I could not seem to find anything. When I realized the greatness of Dafa, that humans can cultivate to become divine beings, that they could escape the cycle of re-incarnation and all the earthly pain and suffering, I promised myself that I definitely would cultivate without reservation until I reach Consummation. These goals were what I had been searching for throughout my life. Every time I thought about my goals I always considered that my motivation was pure. But I unconsciously covered up my fundamental attachment, which was difficult to recognize.
Thanks to our great and compassionate Master's hints and revelations in my dreams, I found the most fundamental attachment I brought in to my cultivation, recognized it and eliminated it.
In my dream the physical and mental pain returned, especially the mental anguish, loneliness, hurt and helplessness. In my dreams I even had the longing, to end the pain quickly amongst the suffering. The pain woke me up in the middle of the night. Even after I woke up I still remembered the vivid scenarios and felt the fear. After that I had a thought. Fortunately, I am a Dafa practitioner, and all the sufferings belong to the past. I have renewed my life in Dafa. Why did I think about that? But on second thought, why have I relived all the suffering of the past? Could this be accidental? When I examined the "I-am-so-lucky" thought, I suddenly came to realize that this is indeed my fundamental attachment brought in to my cultivation since the beginning. Now with Master's hint in my dream, it was exposed clearly in the broad daylight. I had the pursuit of happiness, of relief [from suffering], consummation and pride. How did these attachments come about? They came from my acquired notion of "fame, interest and qing." Deep in the background were individual interests and selfishness.
Since early on in life I was driven by self-interest. My pursuit of "fame, interest and qing" was especially strong. Being polluted by the Communist Party's culture, these self-interests became even more dominant. I often worked hard to achieve my personal goals. But what puzzled me was that every time I achieved any success I would get seriously ill. With more and more rewards coming my way, I acquired more and more illnesses. The pain brought on by these illnesses far overshadowed the joy and happiness of reaching my goals.
My pursuit has caused so much karma! The pursuit did not bring me any real benefit. On the contrary, it almost destroyed my life. At work, I was one of the "hot" persons whom the evil Communist Party pursued. I had a strong desire to join the Party and get a "better" future. My husband did not agree with my plan to join. He even persuaded me to remove myself from the "hot candidate" list. I felt disappointed. I fought him for decades, always thought that he was my "opponent" and that he was "irrational." I ignored and even ridiculed him. When my boss, my colleagues, friends and family criticized me I felt hurt and unfairly treated. My "good reputation" was ruined by my family dispute. Not only was my reputation ruined, my health was even worse. I had all kinds of illnesses, and every day was full of suffering. I would rather have died than live through it. Following major surgery I almost became brain-dead.
After surviving the life threatening illness I began to think about the meaning of life. What am I pursuing in life? Is it "fame, interest and qing?" These pursuits did not bring me any happiness and peace of mind. Instead, they brought me never-ending pain in my heart. The pursuit even led me to the brink of death. Why do people live? I realized that the theories of atheism had severely influenced me in the past. I laughed at the worship of Buddha and cultivation, and ridiculed those people as superstitious. Now I wanted to escape from my suffering. I wanted to cultivate. My husband brought me some Buddhist books. After reading some, I did not find that they particularly suited my situation. I later practiced a certain qigong, spent quite a bit of money and then found out that I was fooled. They were after my money. Finally I gave up. I also visited temples to look for my "master." I became a Buddhist, but I was not satisfied with my findings.
In the winter of 1996 I had an opportunity to read Zhuan Falun. My heart was deeply touched. Finally I found what I had been waiting for! This Dafa is what I was really looking for. After I studied the Fa and practiced the exercises I came to realize many Fa principles. With the upgrading of my xinxing, all of my physical illnesses were healed. My complexion became rosy, my vision improved and I even got rid of my reading glasses. My grey hair began to turn dark again, my back was straightened, and I walked fast like a young kid, and my physical strength increase tremendously. At nearly 60, I could carry over 50 kg. (110 lb.) of potatoes or rice to the third floor, without any fatigue and or shortness of breath. All my disbelieving neighbors were amazed, "This old lady is remarkable. This Falun Gong is indeed powerful."
Cultivation gave me renewed life and hope, and my family life became harmonious. My husband saw the beauty of Dafa from my changes. Under my influence he also began to practice Falun Gong. Soon he quit smoking. Although I relinquished some attachments and desires on the surface, recognized the harmful effects brought by "fame, interest and qing" and got rid of some, the deeply rooted "self interests and selfishness" was not touched. The pursuit of joy, happiness, escaping from suffering and consummation were causing much harm during the Fa rectification process. These pursuits were still blocking me on my present cultivation path, causing huge damage and creating very bad, negative influences. Master, I let you down. I am so ashamed.
Master told us to assimilate to "Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance" and become unselfish and put others' interests before ours. Whenever we do something, we should think of others first. What was I like? Before cultivating Dafa I pursued happiness, fame, interest and qing. After I failed to reach these goals I turned to Dafa to give me greater happiness. I wanted to become a god and deity, wanted to have peace of mind, to have an escape and big honor. How dirty were my intentions! How greedy was my desire! I wanted to take advantage of Dafa to fulfill my selfish interests. It is such a shameful and subtle notion. Not much different from the old forces' mindset. I was completely self-centered, which is an attribute that belongs to the old universe. This has been my most fundamental problem for all those years. I just realized it today.
After I began to practice Dafa I obtained a peace of mind and happiness, which I never had. I naturally regarded Dafa as my "spiritual insurance," "spiritual food," and "safe harbor" for the future. The manifestations of my attachments are being unable to study the Fa with a pure state of the mind and unable to understand the Fa's real meaning. In many tribulations and tests I failed to understand the Fa from the Fa's perspective. I stumbled often and had to take detours. When reading the Fa I mixed up many human notions and pursuits. The first couple of times I read the Fa I paid greater attention. Later, when I came back to read the same books, I was unable to find fresh concepts and new meanings (a typical pursuit of inner meaning). Then I gradually lost my focus. Even though I was still reading with eyes and mouth, my mind was thinking something else. Sometimes I became so relaxed and I fell asleep. Because I read the Fa with a human mindset, I did not treat Dafa with the highest respect. Dafa came back to restrict my own status. The beautiful state of meditation did not come any more. I wasn't able to see the Fa's deeper meaning at different levels. But I knew reading Dafa was the right thing, so I treated Fa study as a "spiritual insurance" to reach consummation. I misunderstood the meaning of "read the book more, consummation is close," emphasized the quantity of reading, treated reading the Fa as an assignment, and pushed myself on the quantity and speed. I thought that as long as I read the book, then my cultivation was based on the Fa. I therefore read the books all day long and half of the night every day. I stayed away from family chores as much as I could. I now realize that this kind of extreme behavior was very wrong.
As Master told us in "Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Chicago Conference,"
"Today, what I'm telling Dafa disciples to do is to cultivate among ordinary people in a way that conforms to ordinary people as much as possible. You can't go to extremes. Just go about things steadily like that and fully play the role of a Dafa disciple as you validate the Fa."
I did not follow Master's requirements to conform to ordinary people's state as much as possible, to do the right things in all circumstances and every single word and act should all be righteous. I violated Master's teaching and did not follow Dafa's principles. Sometimes I did things my own way following my strong attachments. One time my husband was so upset that he drank a lot of alcohol and started a big quarrel with me. I thought, "Go ahead and quarrel. I have my Master to care for me. I have Dafa to study. With such bad behavior, who will look after you? Before I practiced Dafa I argued with you, now I am better than that. Whoever cultivates will benefit. As long as I continue my cultivation, I couldn't care less about your criticism."
What I did was exactly what Master said,
" ... but your gaze was always directed outward, instead of going inward cultivating yourself--then would you still be a cultivator?" ("Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students")
Although each time my husband was so angry that he started a big shouting match, I still went my own way without looking at my own problems. Because I could not improve my xinxing based on the Fa, I was not able to pass this test. Conflicts and interference existed always. My husband would shout, "You practitioners are just cultivating this way? Your Teacher taught you people this way? Where is your Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance?" By using "you people" he automatically excluded himself from practitioners. It is my impure notion and my wrong behavior that pushed him out of Dafa cultivation.
Under the influence of my extreme "selfishness and attachment to myself," I just paid attention to the superficial formality of cultivating myself in a glorified way. I had not solidly cultivated my heart. I was not for the others, not for the sentient beings, and not for Dafa. I merely wanted to use Dafa to achieve my goal of being suffering-free and reaching consummation. In my two-person family, all my children have married and moved out. I had left all the daily chores for my husband to do, and I had pushed him, who should also get saved by doing Dafa cultivation, out of Dafa and to a dangerous edge. Now I realize the seriousness of the matter.
My fundamental attachments have made me sin against and blemish Dafa. Because of my strong attachments and because of my having not done well, I had not been able to pass my xinxing test over a long period of time. The evil has exploited my attachment. On the one hand it kept aggravating my attachments, while on the other hand it controlled my husband and made him become addicted to alcohol, make a big scene, and talk nonsense, so as to achieve its goal of ruining him, interfering with me, and damaging Dafa. This is also a way the old forces have used to persecute Dafa practitioners.
Master said in "Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students,"
"I'm saying that I don't acknowledge the old forces' interfering with Dafa disciples, because the Dafa disciples are my disciples, and nobody else is worthy of handling them. And even less could we let them succeed in their plot to use Dafa disciples and impose things on the Dafa disciples to achieve their goals, ruining my disciples. The reason they've been able to interfere is, they have seized on your attachments and shortcomings, and then there's your karma left over from your past. The persecution also stems from these factors."
In "Teaching the Fa at the 2004 Western U.S. Fa Conference," Master said,
"You can cultivate but you can't be attached. When you have no human desires and aren't attached to anything, you'll cultivate quickly, improve quickly, and have fewer ordeals. Whenever you have attachments your cultivation will be slow."
On July 20, 1999 the evildoers started to frenziedly persecute Dafa practitioners. My husband clearly indicated that he had quit his cultivation. Since then, my tribulations at home had happened almost every day. The evils controlled my husband and made him drink alcohol uncontrollably. From morning to night he kept shouting and yelling and made the neighbors feel quite disturbed. He tried all manner of tactics to brainwash and interfere with me. Once he even threatened me by putting a knife on my neck, trying to force me to give up cultivation. I had no fear and felt quite peaceful at that moment. I only felt pity for him. Under the evils' control he lost consciousness after drinking alcohol. The evils made him sin against Dafa. How vicious the evils were! They wanted to use the opportunity to ruin him. With my having just this one thought, Master helped me and eliminated the evils, and I thus passed this tribulation. When I mentioned what had happened to my husband after he regained consciousness from drunkenness, he did not acknowledge its occurrence, because his main consciousness was not clear then.
Faced with the interference that has already lasted for several years I have failed to search within myself, and my xinxing has not been raised. Additionally, my fundamental attachments became magnified and strengthened. I always thought that I should not get bothered by the environment, and I should hurry up to cultivate myself well, escape from the sea of bitterness, and reach consummation as early as possible.
With my husband's addiction to alcohol I no longer held hopes of helping him walk back onto the path of cultivation. I thought that he had to bear the bitter consequence himself, as I was already tired of his behavior. Although I did not quarrel with him anymore because I am a cultivator, and although I evaded the conflict by staying away from home, my mind was not at ease as I buried my anger deep down in my heart. I failed to understand the issue from the Fa, and I failed to search within myself. I resented him for being not good to me and for making me suffer mentally. Just as Master said,
"... people regard their suffering in life as being unfair. Many people drop down this way." ("Lecture Four" of Zhuan Falun, 2000 translation version)
Master has told us many times that human principles are contrary to the heavenly ones.
"What everyday people want is personal gain and how to live well and comfortably. Our practitioners are not this way, but exactly the opposite. We do not seek what everyday people want. Instead, what we get is something everyday people cannot obtain--even though they want to--except through cultivation practice." ("Lecture Four" of Zhuan Falun)
"...when humans go through hardship and suffer it is so that they may pay off karma and thereby have happiness in the future. A cultivator thus needs to cultivate by correct and upright truths. Going through hardship and suffering is an outstanding opportunity to remove karma, be cleansed of sin, purify the body, elevate your plane of thought, and rise in level-it's an extraordinarily good thing. This is a correct and upright Fa-truth. But as cultivation is lived out, when the suffering bears down on you and conflicts come up that hit upon the deepest part of you-and especially when it rattles the rigid notions you have-the test is really hard to pass. It can even be to the point that you know full well it's a test but still can't let go of your attachments." ("The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be")
Because I could not let go of my "attachment to myself" and my pursuit of fame and interest, my human notions, which are the malicious causes for the formation of my fundamental attachments, had made me stumble continuously in my cultivation in the Fa-rectification time. In the spring of 2000, that is, a few months after the persecution of Dafa started, the evils utilized secret agents to stage the hoaxes of handing in Dafa books in society and among Dafa practitioners. Driven by my human notions of seeking a suffering-free life and reaching consummation, etc., I stepped on the evil path. I painfully handed in my Dafa books, disregarding my husband's attempt of preventing me from doing so. Although I realized my mistake in just one day and although I then found a way to take back my Dafa books, handing in my Dafa book has left a dark stain on my cultivation.
Later I fell into a state of feeling extremely regretful and lost. I could not free myself from this state for many days. That strong fundamental attachment had made me feel agitated all the time. For many days I could not calm down to study the Fa and I cried while holding the Dafa books, as I was worried that Master might not take care of me anymore and that I could not reach consummation. If Master had not given me all kinds of hints, it would have been very hard for me to wake up.
In September 2000, many practitioners went to Beijing to validate the Fa. Driven by my attachment to reaching consummation I also went there. My mindset then was not pure and my basis was not right, as I was afraid that I might be left behind and I might be unable to reach consummation. As a result, I was intercepted while I was still on the way. I was given an administrative detention of fifteen days. Then I was sent to a brainwashing center for further persecution.
Because of my attachment of fear at the time, which was then very strong and because I was afraid that I might lose my job, I tightly held onto my previous fundamental attachments and could not understand the Fa from the Fa. As a result, I failed to pass the test. I gave in to the demand of the evildoers and wrote the guarantee statement. So I stumbled all the way to the bottom.
My sickness karma surfaced again after my return home. My unrighteous behavior in the brainwashing center actually meant my denying the cultivation at the Fa-rectification time, as well as my damaging the Fa. I failed to live up to Master's painstaking effort to save me. I felt extremely regretful. My regret and my sickness karma made me suffer so much that I would rather have died than live. I cried every day, thinking that I had no hope of going back to heaven. While I fell into despair, benevolent Master gave me a hint again by revealing on the wall the images of the gods and Buddhas in Hong Yin. I pulled myself together and I made an oath that I was determined in my cultivation! I would restart my cultivation from the very beginning and keep cultivating myself until the end, and I would make up for the losses I had caused. When my righteous thoughts came out, I expressed my strong determination to Master's picture. Master soon eliminated my sickness karma.
In November 2001 my older sister and I again went to Beijing to validate the Fa. After I shouted in Tiananmen Square and hung the banners, my attachment of complacency, etc. came out. As a result, the police soon arrested me. I managed to break away from the evils' den after I was escorted to my local liaison office. I left my home for over one year to avoid further persecution. But the evils did not leave my family members alone. They have caused them great pressure and harm.
The fundamental attachment is like immovable stone and it is also like a mountain that lies in the path of our cultivation. We must move it away and destroy it. Otherwise, it will prevent us from being diligent and make us stop at the human level. During the last phase of the Fa rectification, my fundamental attachment has given rise to many human attachments. It has caused me to become despondent, lazy and exhausted, made me pursue comfort and dawdle, and even sometimes made me unknowingly fall into a bad state of letting my thoughts run wild. It hinders my doing the three things.
With Master's help, I now have finally found my fundamental attachment. After I saw it, this attachment of pursuit, I pulled up the "vine" (fame, interest, and qing) and its "branches" (the various human attachments that derived from it) to find the root cause. I want to dig out the root (the attachment to myself and my selfishness) and root out all of them. Amidst Fa rectification cultivation and during the process of doing well the three things and fulfilling my prehistoric oath, I will constantly change and correct myself so as to achieve the realm of selflessness and altruism, a state that an enlightened being in the new cosmos should have.
I have realized that the process of my writing this article is also one of my raising my understanding of the Fa. Specifically, it is the beginning of the process of examining and correcting myself and removing the "immovable stone."
Here I want to express my gratitude to benevolent Master for his giving me hints, and for his painstaking effort to save me. What I, a Dafa disciple, can do is to cultivate myself ever more diligently!