(Clearwisdom.net) I started practicing Falun Gong in 1997. But, I had once turned against Dafa and could only return to cultivation because of Teacher's compassion. After studying the Fa diligently, I searched within and asked myself, "I thought I had steadfast faith in Teacher and the Fa when I obtained the Fa. I did not doubt or give up cultivation in spite of the overwhelming hate propaganda and smear campaign against Falun Gong and the persecution, but why did I fall prey to the lies of a practitioner that had "enlightened" along an evil way and as a result take a long detour in my cultivation?" Through studying the Fa with a tranquil mind for some time, I finally identified the root causes. I aimed high but did not care about the fundamentals. I blindly pursued high-level Fa but held an attachment to fear and comfort. I did not have a clear understanding about cultivation in the Fa-rectification period or about the old forces. My attitude towards cultivation during the Fa-rectification period came from the perspective of my personal cultivation. Consequently, I did not realize when I accepted the path arranged by the old forces and caused losses to the Fa and my personal cultivation.
Whenever I fall, I must get up immediately. For the past two years, I have tried to make up ground by studying the Fa diligently as the first step. If I did not have a Falun Gong book, I would borrow one and transcribe a copy. I kept rectifying myself on the Fa and let go of the attachment to fear. I feared that Teacher might have given up on me because I had made a terrible mistake. I feared losing face in front of fellow practitioners because of the mistake I made. I was determined to become a qualified Falun Gong practitioner of the Fa-rectification period. When I was ready to do the three things that Teacher asks us to do, the first attachment that surfaced was fear. At the beginning, Teacher arranged a few incidents to help me eliminate my attachment to fear. Gradually I eliminated some fear and then in time I was able to clarify the truth and distribute truth-clarification materials face-to-face. There is one experience that was particularly helpful. It may seem ordinary, but for me it was something that inspired me.
On a Friday afternoon in the summer of 2004, I was going to distribute truth-clarification materials in the clinic of a hospital. Before I left home, my husband asked me to fill a prescription for him. I couldn't find his medical insurance card, so I decided to take mine. (I can use my medical insurance card to pick up prescriptions for my husband.) I put the card in the same canvas bag with the truth-clarification materials. After I finished distributing the truth-clarification materials, I went straight back home. The first question my husband asked was if I had picked up the prescription. It was then when I realized that the card was missing. I thought about it and then decided that it must have been inserted in one of the truth clarification materials by mistake. What do I do? My name, work organization and photograph were on the medical insurance card. If a bad person found the card, I would be getting more than just a phone call. I became frightened. I felt as though I had suddenly fallen into an abyss and was overcome with fear. My husband repeatedly chastised me, too. I couldn't sleep well that night. Each time I heard the sound of a passing car, I would immediately think a police car might be approaching my home. I didn't hold the righteous thought of a cultivator. It was not until dawn that I suddenly remembered the Fa. Teacher said,
"Imprisoned as you are, don’t be sorrowful or sad
Carry on with righteous thoughts and actions, and the Fa is with you
Calmly reflect on the attachments you have
Remove your human thoughts and evil will naturally die out"
("Don't Be Sad" in Hong Yin II)
I searched within and identified my loopholes. My daughter had just given birth to a baby and was spending her maternity leave at my home. Therefore, I had been busy taking care of things at home. I had not stepped forward to validate the Fa and save sentient beings for a long time. I had accumulated a great amount of truth-clarification materials, which I wanted to distribute as soon as possible. I thought it would not be safe to leave them at home. In other words, I was motivated to distribute truth-clarification materials for my own safety and to get a task done. Saving sentient beings became secondary. I still held the attachment to fear, selfishness and zealotry, the mentality of just getting a job done, as well as carelessness, which had been a problem even before I started to practice Falun Gong. When I did Dafa work with such a filthy mentality, how could the old forces not exploit my loopholes? Teacher said,
"Validating the Fa isn’t something ordinary people do; only Dafa disciples are worthy of doing it. So now study and study the Fa more, study the Fa more. Also, whatever we do, we have to do it in an upright way, to really do it like a cultivator. Don’t let the old forces take advantage of any gaps. When they take advantage of your gaps they’ll do those kinds of things [you mentioned]." ("Explaining the Fa During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference")
I realized that I was in the wrong. I admitted my faults and asked for Teacher's forgiveness from deep within my heart. Meanwhile, I begged Teacher to help me reinforce my righteous thoughts. I was determined to find my medical insurance card.
On the third day after the card was lost, I found it because of Teacher's compassionate protection and with the wisdom and courage the Fa bestowed upon me. It turned out that the card was left with truth-clarification materials in one of the two laboratories on the second floor of the hospital. These labs are used by physicians who normally work in the clinic on the first floor. When I found a young physician and explained the reason for my visit, she was glad to stop her work for a moment and took me upstairs to look for my card on the second floor. She did not say anything when we found my card and truth-clarification materials and VCDs in the second laboratory. I picked up my insurance card and thanked her. "These are very good materials. Please do read them seriously. They are good for you." She gladly accepted the materials.
It was only because of Teacher's protection that I escaped disaster. If the card would have been left in an examination room, someone would have found it. Things might have turned out very differently. Through this incident, I saw once again that a cultivator must not carry any human thoughts when validating the Fa. Secondly, a cultivator, when encountering a xinxing conflict or a dangerous situation, must think of the Fa, evaluate him or herself based on the Fa and search within unconditionally. As long as we conduct ourselves as cultivators, Teacher will help us overcome even the greatest danger. The most important thing is to understand the Fa based on the Fa, identify our attachments and then eliminate them.
Please kindly correct anything erroneous in my understanding.