(Clearwisdom.net) Very often, I reflect on the unique problems encountered in marriages between practitioners and non-practitioners: When married to non-practitioners, we can never freely discuss the most important aspects of our lives, our being and our beliefs; we cannot discuss the Fa and neither can we explain what Master means to us to our spouse. Indeed, we may even hide the most important parts of our thinking. This runs contrary to Western societal values that teach us that we should be able to share everything with our spouses, that our spouses should also be our best friends, etc. When we start cultivation in Dafa, we quickly find that many fellow Dafa practitioners understand our innermost thoughts and concerns more completely than our non-practitioner spouses. I found this reversal of my expectations rather disorienting initially, and I think fellow practitioners must be equally puzzled, because the matter of cultivation in the context of marriage to non-practitioner spouses often arises when Dafa practitioners meet. We all realize that our marital life is a vital aspect of our cultivation and we often wonder why there are still so many problems within our families after so many years of cultivation. Some of us even think that maintaining a harmonious marriage is the most difficult aspect of our cultivation. Several times, I have heard of practitioners who (at least fleetingly) entertain thoughts of divorce, although this is out of the question for us. Recently, four Western practitioners, all married to non-practitioners for many years, discussed our thoughts on this topic. What follows summarizes the insights we gained:
Ms. A says: "Being married to a non practitioner, I have to admit that it is through my husband of 30 years that I have learned--and am still learning--my most meaningful lessons in compassion and forbearance. Learning to be truly compassionate to someone you "love" and have interacted with in certain ways for so long takes practice and determination. Learning to not feel taken advantage of, to not feel upset when things don't go my way, and to not be furious with the one who is helping me learn to let go of those unworthy and unnecessary feelings is a journey, not quite "one step forward and two steps back" (although that is how it felt in the beginning), but certainly a journey of hard-won inches. The joy and astonishment comes when, every now and then, I can perceive that I have progressed, that what irritated me to no end in the past does not faze me, what devastated me before is of little concern, and what used to hurt my feelings deeply no longer has the power to inflict pain.
Balance is the challenge. When I began to value my husband for what he contributes to my cultivation rather than regard him as "a hindrance to my Dafa work," things changed for the better for both of us. He has been more willing to give me time, and even assistance, and I have been more willing to make time just for him.
As the full realization of just what it means to be a Dafa disciple continues to sink in, it comes to me that I am a part of something that my husband is not, that I understand things that he cannot. I am incredibly fortunate. His good fortune is to be married to me. I must do my best to be worthy of our predestined relationship."
After looking inside, Ms. K shared with us that her biggest problem was her lack of humility. She also found that she does not show enough compassion towards her husband, although this does not seem to be a problem in her relation with others. We all agreed that this was a common problem and I think it may be worthwhile exploring this aspect a little more deeply: Why can we be compassionate with others but not with our spouses? Could it be that there is an excess of emotion or sentimentality involved? Doesn't Master warn us against sentimentality in Lecture Four of Zhuan Falun?
"Affection among family members, love between a man and a woman, love for parents, feelings, friendship, doing things for friendship, and everything else all relate to this sentimentality. Whether a person likes to do something or not, is happy or unhappy, loves or hates something, and everything in the entire human society comes from this sentimentality. If this sentimentality is not relinquished, you will be unable to practice cultivation. If you are free from this sentimentality, nobody can affect you. An everyday person's mind will be unable to sway you. What takes over in its place is benevolence, which is something more noble."
Are we paying attention to this?
Ms. K. also thought that she may be selfish when she doesn't consider her husband's feelings or include him in her life because she focuses too much on Dafa work. Often, she gets the initial impression that her husband doesn't listen to her, which can be frustrating at the moment - but she later realizes that he has actually internalized her points. For example, when she once asked him not to think bad thoughts about Dafa, just because he was angry with her at the time, he didn't say anything but she later noticed that he had thought about her words. Although he does not like for her to go to various Dafa activities, in the end, he always indirectly supports her and ensures that she is able to attend. Several of us experienced similar situations. We all need to remind ourselves daily that Dafa practitioner's words carry a lot of energy. We need to be aware of our impact on others and cultivate our speech carefully even within the setting of our families.
Ms. M had many examples about how other practitioners have helped her get through many tribulations in her married life. She thought that sharing with practitioners who are in similar situations helps her advance in cultivation. She knows that Master arranged for her to meet practitioners at every turn of her path who were able to help her, and is she is greatly affected by Master's compassion and never ending concern for her. She told us a very touching story of how it was arranged for her to go on a Hongfa trip to South America where she met and stayed with practitioners who were in an ideal position to help her get through a very dark period of her life. Ms. M. also pointed out that studying the Fa has always provided her with new courage. Ms. M's examples pointed out that although Master constantly tests our will to cultivate, He also provides merciful hints and help during difficult tribulations. It is our job to pay attention and recognize those hints. If we are alert, we will resolve the situation according to the arrangements of the Fa.
Ms. S's husband is extremely supportive of all of her Dafa activities and he is very fond of all of the Dafa practitioners he has met through her. Sometimes he accompanies her to help with Dafa projects or participates in parades, etc. She thinks that his good attitude is related to the fact that she shares many experiences with him. She knows exactly what will impress him most positively and tells him selected words of Master's or about practitioner's actions. She also sincerely invites him to come with her when she has to travel for Dafa projects and lets him know that she would value his presence. When he choses to stay home, which is most often, she calls him and tells him she misses him. Whenever he shows support, she lets him know how much she appreciates it. Everybody agreed that a similar approach might lead to good results with our spouses. We have to consider that a good attitude towards Dafa will bring great merit to non-practitioners in the future and we should give our spouses every opportunity to do something for Dafa. Whenever appropriate (there will be occasions when it is certainly not appropriate), it makes sense to include non-practitioner spouses in Dafa activities. The benefits of this are as follows: 1. they won't feel abandoned or neglected in favor of Dafa; 2. it gives them an opportunity to earn de for themselves; 3. they can see with their own eyes that we are doing the most righteous thing and 4. they will have a chance to spend time within our fellow practitioners' energy field.
We discussed the fact that since Master has arranged for us to cultivate with our particular spouses during the all-important Fa rectification, our present relationships carry even more significance. It was striking to see that all of us agreed that our husbands were like mirrors held up to us to help us recognize our shortcomings as cultivators. We marveled at the intricacies with which all of our relationships have been arranged for us. We have to be aware that we have a special responsibility to resolve our karmic relationships within our marriages. For example, Ms. K mentioned that she had been married previously and that her first marriage suffered from the same problems as her second one. She concluded that there is simply no escaping karma. Everybody concluded that Master has given us just the right partner to help our cultivation in this lifetime and we need to accept this fact.