(Clearwisdom.net) I have a bad human notion. Because I have a strong mentality of pride, I cannot tolerate any insulting words and behavior aimed at me, even if these words are said in jest. I always think that I hold myself to a higher principle. However, my strong sense of pride is based on the mentality of suspicion. After I looked deeply within, I found that the root of this strong pride is related to the attachment to fame, profit and selfish interest.
Through two recent incidents, I now deeply understand that as a cultivator, looking within all the time is very serious and important, and only by looking within can we catch up with Master's Fa-rectification.
Recently, a male colleague who gets drunk occasionally came up to me and said some very vulgar words. I was repulsed by him and each time he returned I sent him off. I did not view this situation as being my problem and instead I condemned his filthy heart, degenerate behavior and lack of human decency. However, Master used this man's mouth to enlighten me and to eliminate my attachment of suspicion. He said, "What are you thinking? I'm a married man and my child is not young. Why would I do such an irrational thing!" After listening to his vulgar language several times before this, I had imagined that he harbored an illicit passion for me. This imaginary situation reflected my pride and suspicious mentality, but while the incident was taking place, I did not realize it.
Today when I reading the articles from the Fifth Internet Experience Sharing Conference for Practitioners in China, I was moved by some of the experience sharing about looking within. I examined myself and found that during this period I had been unable to calm down while studying the Fa and had failed to truly look within. In addition, in the workplace I fought with others and was unhappy whenever I was criticized. I became angry and forgot that I was a cultivator. I felt puzzled that this co-worker seldom spoke to me when he did not drink, so why did he come up to me and say filthy words after he drank? I did not look within but instead complained that drinking strengthened his courage. Today I finally realized that he does not respect me because I still have ill thoughts and bad substances that I have not let go of. The evil took advantage of my loophole to enlarge his demon nature and find a suitable environment so as to interfere with me. If my righteous thoughts were strong, the evil would dare not stay for one second in front of me and would be disintegrated immediately.
I looked deeply within and found my strong attachments to pride and suspicion. When I looked within further, I dug out the attachments of looking down upon others, especially this colleague, as well as hatred and jealousy. All of these attachments are rooted in an attachment for fame, profit and selfish interest. Recently when my colleague was drunk, he came up to me and said, "I am better than you." At that time I was angry and I thought, "Do you have any qualifications to even compete with me?" I just ignored him and I refused to even look at him. Each time I saw him drunk, I would gloat and I felt no compassion or mercy for him. Today I realize that such bad thoughts are terrible! Before I looked within I felt that I was so superior and good. But after looking within I found so many attachments and bad substances.
Another thing is that I am very lazy and I sleep a lot. Each day after I send forth righteous thoughts in the morning I go back to sleep again. As a result, it is hard for me to get to work on time (I go to work at 8:30 a.m.). This morning at 5:30 a.m. when I heard my cell phone alarm go off, I rolled over in my bed and then fell to the floor, still wrapped up in the quilt. I suddenly became clear-headed and immediately sent forth righteous thoughts at 6:00 a.m. Later, I reflected on why I fell down so heavily. I realized that I slept a lot during this period and had not gotten rid of the demon nature of laziness, which was causing me to fall down heavily. I realized that I should do better and overcome the attachment of sleeping a lot and get rid of the demon nature of laziness.
Through these two incidents, I was able to calm down and examine myself. I realized that I wasn't cultivating well, and I was hanging on to those degenerated substances that are not the real me. No matter how I try to explain myself - I am still covering up my attachments and deviating from the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. Actually, Master has hinted at me many times to be diligent; for example, the basin leaked or a bowl was broken while I was doing housework. However at the time, I did not realize it.
Today I will root out those bad substances in my inner heart and completely eliminate them. I will not leave any roots of these attachments to linger. I will do well everything that Master requires of us, and strive forward vigorously. I will become a qualified Fa-rectification Period Dafa disciple. Master, please rest assured!
I appreciate fellow practitioners' sharing articles, as they help me identify my bad thoughts and eliminate them.
November 21, 2008