(Clearwisdom.net) My Compassionate and Great Master, my fellow practitioners:
I obtained Dafa 12 years ago. Three years after I started cultivating, the evil persecution started. I went to Tiananmen Square and held up a banner clarifying the truth. A group of military police tried to snatch the banner while others dragged me down. After I was forced into a police car, one officer, who was about 22 or 23 years old, waved a night stick threatening to beat me. I stared into his face without any fear. After he beat me for a while, he found it had no effect on me. He dared not look at me. He dropped his head and sneaked away.
We were taken to the police station on the west side of Tiananmen Square. The truth clarifying materials that were taken from practitioners who came from all different areas were piled up in the corridor. We were divided up and sent to different police stations in Beijing. We were tortured in the police stations to make us tell where they got the materials. We were then transferred to local police stations for detention and persecution. Seven or eight of us were put into a police van and taken to Shunyi City.
After we arrived, I was taken to a police station with a practitioner who was not known to me. Officers put him into another room to torture him. I clarified the truth to the police officers and they also learned that I had been on a hunger strike since I held up the banner in Tiananmen Square. One of the three officers said, "We have no way to handle her and it's useless to torture her." From then on, they didn't bother me again. It was because I didn't have that attachment, so I was no longer subjected to that hardship. The evil couldn't persecute me when they saw I didn't have an attachment to fear.
During my illegal detention, I was on a hunger strike for a time to protest the injustice, but I still waited with human thoughts for the evil to "find their conscience" and recognize that I was being wrongly treated. I was still regarding the persecution with human thoughts. The authorities never gave any explanation to any single practitioner. If practitioners are one body and this persecution is aimed at the whole body of practitioners, then how could the authorities "find their conscience" in one single case?
When I was on a hunger strike in detention, some guards tied me to a bed, force-fed me, and injected me with unknown substances. Evil prisoners who monitored me beat me, swore at me and stole my belongings. In detention, I was held in a single room and five to seven people "closely monitored" me. I couldn't see the sunshine at all and often forgot there was still a sun in the world. I didn't see any other practitioners for several months.
After I was released, I was very depressed. I couldn't study Dafa for years and had many human attachments. When I spoke, I always complained. In addition, I was forced to leave home and wander around to avoid further persecution. I live in a rented room with my child. I couldn't find a job right away, and my ex-husband often came to curse at me. He said I had destroyed everything of his and he made me worry all the time. This made someone say I never looked happy. Later I bought a computer with money saved from living expenses that others had given to me, and a practitioner gave me an old printer. I started to access the Internet and produce truth-clarifying materials myself. This continued for a year and a half, until I found a job and earned some income. I could then contribute some money to big sites that produced truth-clarifying materials.
I often look at the many people on the streets and the many residents in the district and worry. "Have all of them read truth-clarifying materials? How can we help all these many people understand the truth?" When I distribute truth-clarifying materials, I carefully display the items properly and in a dignified manner.
When I first started to clarify the facts to strangers, I thought about what should I say. After I saw them, I sometimes couldn't find a good way to start a conversation, and after I hesitated for some time, I could no longer clarify the truth. I felt sick at heart and didn't want to clarify the truth in person at all, so I tried to distribute and mail more materials. Later I enlightened to the fact that my human attachments were being used by the old forces to interfere with my saving sentient beings. I realized we shouldn't focus just on distributing materials but should also speak to people face to face. I tried to talk to every person that I met, and those who understood the truth would say, "Then I would like to quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP)." Some seemed a bit reluctant to quit, so I would speak to them further until they agreed. I then asked them to relay this important news to their family and friends. When I run into people who don't believe it, I talk to them in depth. Perhaps when other practitioners talk to them again, they will agree to quit. I once met the relative of a Dafa practitioner, who said several of his family members were practitioners and they had clarified the truth to him, but he didn't want to quit. After I spoke to him, he agreed to. In fact, it was his family members who helped him understand the truth and this made it possible for him to agree to quit as soon as I brought up the subject. Sometimes when I go to the grocery market, I can help over a dozen people quit the CCP.
My greatest shame is that I can't be calm enough when I study the Fa, practice the exercises, or send forth righteous thoughts. My heart isn't peaceful enough. Sometimes I feel at peace, but sometimes I am distracted. Therefore, I can't recite the whole book during Fa study. For many years I have wanted to recite Zhuan Falun, but I am still unable to even after trying three times. Every time I find I am not cultivating well, I feel ashamed before the Master. Please kindly point out to me if you see any problem in my cultivation.
Thank you, Master! Thank you, fellow practitioners!
Heshi!
October 17, 2008