(Clearwisdom.net) Today I would like to share some of the lessons I have learned along my cultivation path and encourage practitioners who have gone astray from Dafa to awaken and return, for our benevolent Master has never given up on us.

Obtaining the Fa

My mother and I received a ticket to Master's first lecture in Guizhou in 1993 and attended together. We had listened to other qigong lectures before then and had practiced several qigong methods. But this time Mother and I felt different. We found answers to many questions and understood many principles about being a good person. Soon a group exercise site was established in our area where the assistants organized the practitioners to study the Fa and perform the exercises together every evening. Initially about a dozen people attended; gradually more and more people joined. Practitioners filled the entire park. Many spectators observed. When I went to work one day a coworker told me, "I saw you doing the exercises yesterday. You did a great job!" I was very proud to be a part of something so good and thought, "I am a Falun Gong practitioner!" Recalling the scene now reminds me how wonderful that period of time was.

The Situation Suddenly Changed

From the second half of 1999 on, the Communist regime forbade people to practice Falun Gong. The media was slandering Falun Gong. I remember many rainy days then, prompting practitioners to exclaim, "The sky is weeping!" We felt huge pressure. Prior to July 20, 1999, practitioners had gone to the provincial government office to peacefully appeal. We heard of the police arresting practitioners and were puzzled, "What is happening?"

Arrests became more frequent. Many assistants at group practice sites were taken away. We did not know what was going on. Although we knew what the media was reporting was not true - such as the Tiananmen Self-immolation incident- the situation was terrifying. The group practice sites were closed down and assistants were arrested. Practitioners no longer contacted one another.

Confusion from Lack of Deep Understanding of the Fa

Not too long after these things happened we heard that Ms. Jiang, the main coordinator at Guizhou died of an illness. We were even more confused. Master had designated Ms. Jiang as the main contact in Guizhou Province. In our eyes she was as if our model. The other assistants had to ask her for insights. She also established practice sites and taught new practitioners the exercises. How could this happen?

I truly started having doubts about Dafa, "Aren't we supposed to not be truly sick if we practice Falun Gong? How could a diligent practitioner like Ms. Jiang die like this?" Although I had doubts, I still practiced the exercises on my own at home. I did not know something else would happen that puzzled me even more. My very healthy mother became suddenly ill toward the end of 1999. She had stomach bleeding three times. We thought it was a test for our cultivation. We studied the Fa and practiced the exercises instead of going to the hospital or take medicine. In addition to the stomach bleeding she developed gallbladder and pancreatic inflammation. My mother had her gallbladder removed in January 2000. We thought that would solve the problem. But she still did not recover. Her condition worsened toward the second half of 2000. It turned out to be cancer. I could not believe it and asked different doctors to confirm the diagnosis. My mother suffered from significant pain from the expansion of the cancer cells. She often screamed.

Later on she was no longer in pain. I often whispered to her, "We have to pass the test of life and death. Be persevering, we'll be fine." Nevertheless, my mother died 70 days later.

One Test After Another

At that time I did not study the Fa and I did not practice the exercises. Sometimes I thought about it. But I was full of doubt and confusion, missing my mother. I cried every day. A week after my mother passed away and I was still in deep mourning I noticed that my husband was acting strangely. I suspected he was having an affair. I finally confirmed my suspicion six months later. I completely lost it. I asked Master in my heart, "Master, why do I have to go through tests like these? This is even harder than what you described in Zhuan Falun. Why are you not helping me? I cannot stand this any more." A kind coworker was with me all the time because of the distractions in my life, to ensure I was fine.

My husband and I divorced a year later and I felt relieved. I did not practice the exercises any more. I read the Fa only occasionally. I learned how to chat on the Internet in 2001 and was attached to it. Friends also persuaded me to look for a boyfriend. I set out to find someone that is better than my ex-husband and went completely along with human notions. I was not like a practitioner at all. I kept meeting different people. In the meantime my son did not behave and often skipped school. I did not contact any practitioners, either. Occasionally I read the Fa and practiced some exercises and I heard that the arrested practitioners were released. But I did not know who still continued cultivation.

When I moved in 2007 I decided to seal up my Dafa books. I knew I was no longer qualified to be a Dafa disciple. I gave up. However, I did not want to throw away the Dafa books. I had three copies of Zhuan Falun and felt it was hard to keep them all. I burned one of them. My life's biggest regret is to have given up Falun Gong practice and burning a Dafa book. I met a practitioner at the beginning in 2007 who urged me to resume cultivation.

Master Has Never Given Up on Wayward Practitioners

Strangely enough, since last year I have not been interested in surfing the Internet, or looking for a boyfriend or dancing. Sometimes I even felt tired of it. Every now and then I felt I wanted to start practicing Falun Gong again. But I was afraid of opening the Dafa books because I felt that I had committed a crime toward Dafa and no longer deserved to read Dafa books. Sometimes I stared at the Dafa books for a long time and ended up lacking the courage to open them. In May of this year, a practitioner asked me one day if I wanted to withdraw from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). I said yes, without even realizing what that meant. I was puzzled that I answered yes without knowing the meaning of it.

Another practitioner visited me right after that. Without asking if I wished to accept them she gave me Master's lectures since 1999, and some articles from Minghui/Clearwisdom. Then she patiently explained to me the situation since 1999. I listened attentively. After she left, I opened one of Master's lectures and was awakened after reading only two pages. I read the rest of the materials immediately without stopping. I could not fall asleep. All the puzzles were solved. I cried as I read. I regretted so much of my past thoughts and deeds.

I opened up my own Dafa materials bag and started reading Zhuan Falun. I tried hard to recall how to practice the exercises; watched the exercise demonstration tapes and resumed practicing the exercises. This practitioner brought me Dafa materials every week, including a Shen Yun CD. In the past three months I burst into tears all the time. I cried when I read Master's new lectures and Dafa materials. While watching the 2010 Shen Yun Show CD and seeing the Lord Buddha leading the kings to save sentient beings I cried. The Tianyin music made me cry. I have lived a life of regrets. I have begged Master to not to give up on me. I know I made huge mistakes!

There is still a huge gap between me and other cultivators. I try my best to do the three things well. I encountered interference since I started practicing Falun Gong again and still lack a profound comprehension of Dafa principles, still harboring many attachments. But I will study the Fa diligently. I will continue on my cultivation path. I will never give up again, no matter what the end result is! I know our benevolent Master has not given up on me. I will repay Master's grace by becoming more and more diligent in my cultivation.

I have spent the entire night to write of these experiences. I wanted to write this earlier, but I worried that I could not write it well, which might cause other practitioners misunderstand me. I wanted to awaken practitioners who might have had similar experiences and who gave up Dafa cultivation. I have a colleague who is in the same boat as me. I have tried hard to clarify the truth to him, telling him that although we have disappointed Master, Master has never given up on us.