(Clearwisdom.net) I have been stressed and peevish lately. As a result, I have thrown fits a number of times. I knew it was wrong, but I could hardly control myself. Of course, remorse always followed. As a person in their 60's who has been practicing Falun Gong for over a decade, I should have become stable and peaceful. However, I often find myself a slave to negative emotions. I find it difficult to be tranquil even after I have studied the Fa, practiced the Falun Gong exercises and sent forth righteous thoughts. I have become physcially and mentally exhausted and find it difficult to cultivate.
Why? I have searched inward repeatedly. At first I decided that my main consciousness must be weak and subject to inteference from my anxiety and thought karma. Each time I sent forth righteous thoughts, I would focus my thoughts in these areas with limited success. I felt I was weak. Even the smallest matter would affect me. When I read stories at Minghui.org about fellow Falun Gong practitioners persuading people to quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and/or its two affiliated student associations, I learned that there is not much time left and it is becoming an urgent matter to save people from the CCP's lies. But I have not been doing well in clarifying the truth to people. I was feeling quite anxious. I have always lacked patience. I tend to walk and talk fast. I have missed many people when it comes to clarifying the truth about Falun Gong. I felt ashamed and helpless. I have been quietly validating Falun Gong, but I have not done as well as fellow practitioners. I have been enveloped with the feeling of guilt. I felt I had disgraced the title of Falun Gong practitioner. I was quite troubled and depressed. Teacher told us, "A cultivator has no role models." ("Path" from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
However, I have never truly searched inward. I saw only the surface. Why?
One day I was criticizing myself at heart again while practicing the second Falun Gong exercise when I suddenly remembered Teacher's words:
"The paths of cultivation are varied
But none is outside the Great Law
When one is attached to nothing
The path underfoot is naturally smooth"
(from Hong Yin II)
Suddenly everything became clear to me. Indeed, my cultivation path has been arranged by Teacher. As long as I have the intention to save people, I should simply do my best and utilize my strengths. Why must I follow another practitioner's path or arrange my own cultivation path?
Falun Gong practitioners are one body. Teacher has arranged a different path for every Falun Gong practitioner. If I follow fellow practitioners instead of following the Fa, I will not be within the Fa. Then what can I do? How can I do things to validate the Fa only to satisfy my emotional needs or to meet my preferences? I identified a strong attachment to pursuit that could not be easily detected.
Teacher has helped me find my attachment. I tried hard to overcome and eliminate it. I tried to keep a pure heart to save people with compassion. I now feel more relaxed and confident. I no longer feel that it is a challenge to validate the Fa or save the world's people. I feel it is natural for me to do things for the Fa. From now on I must do what a Falun Gong practitioner is supposed to do, but with a clear head and with rationality. I must study the Fa and cultivate my heart regularly. I must never be prey to inteference from my emotions.