(Minghui.org) Since I started working full-time for our media, I've sat in front of a computer for at least 15 hours a day. However, no matter how hard I work I haven't seen much improvement in my cultivation and my behavior still has elements of Communist Party culture.
Even though I know practitioners are the most blessed beings in the world, my heart feels heavy when I think that I may have let Master down, as well as the expectations of sentient beings. When this feeling becomes especially intense, my eyes hurt severely, and I've had to send forth righteous thoughts a dozen times before I could finish writing an article.
Many fellow practitioners look much older after years of dedicated work on truth-clarification projects. My friends and family commented that I had aged so quickly. I knew there was something wrong with my cultivation, but I couldn't find my attachment.
So I found an excuse for myself: it all boiled down to interference from the old forces. Therefore, I have to deny them.
When we were doing the sitting meditation in public to validate the Fa one day, a fellow practitioner approached me and whispered, “Many people are looking at you. Could you look a little more serene?” I suddenly realized that I hadn't looked at peace for a long time! I was miserable because of all the tribulations I had to overcome in my cultivation.
A fellow practitioner sitting next to me looks like she is in her 20s, even though she's in her 50s. She has a great attitude towards everything. You can hear her chuckling all the time, like a happy little girl. And, I know that she hardly ever laughed before she practiced Falun Gong.
It then dawned on me that I pursue things too much, and I strive terribly hard to reach my goals. When I write articles for the media, I purposefully put the Fa principles in them, hoping that they would have a positive influence on my readers.
Even my child commented that my words were like they were from the Communist Party.
I had an even stronger pursuit when I tried to help people quit the Chinese Communist Party. I was anxious to help people quit, and so wanted to cleanse their hearts that had been contaminated by the Communist Party's lies and propaganda. I have to admit, I sounded very pushy.
I had found my biggest attachment. It was the attachment to pursuing results and validating myself. While I was eager to change others, my self-righteousness prevented me from seeing my own attachment.
What are the old forces? They are the ones who are self-righteous and want to impose their own arrangements on sentient beings. They are unwilling to wait for Master to benevolently resolve all things.
“cultivating with the heart you once had”
My understanding of “cultivating with the heart you once had” was limited, and I only thought it meant that I should be diligent in cultivation. However, I forgot the joy and peace that I experienced when I first began to practice Falun Dafa.
I realized that I should let go of my strong pursuits and follow the course of nature. If I could really do this, my heart would feel light and I wouldn't be obsessed with criticizing myself for not doing well. The ease of a great enlightened being and the joy of assimilating to the Fa will then naturally be reflected in me.
My worries and misery are equivalent to a lack of confidence in the Fa and in myself. Essentially, my tribulation was due to a lack of righteous thoughts.
Master wrote, “Openly and magnanimously, I rectify the vast firmament.” (“In One Thought” in Hong Yin II)
The key is not to pursue doing things, but to improve our xinxing. We should study the Fa more because the Fa can bestow upon us great divine power.
I used to only do the five exercises during weekend activities because I was too busy with Dafa work during the week. I even found an excuse: The Fa cultivates practitioners, therefore, my gong will grow as my xinxing improves.
Master told us long ago why we need to do the exercises, but due to my laziness I misunderstood Master's requirements and thought the exercise weren’t that important.
Practitioners should be able to attain the state of tranquility, as Master taught us in “In Dao” from Hong Yin:
“Quiet but thinking not—The mystical and wondrous may be seen.”
I have been a practitioner for over 10 years, but rarely could I reach tranquility during meditation. I was often distracted with my busy workload and my thoughts raced away with me.
I have now realized that such thoughts are illusions from my postnatal notions and I should discard them, as they are not from my true self.
Master said,
“Clear out all wild thoughts,Cultivating to a Buddha is not hard.” (“Nonexistence” in Hong Yin)
I know now what I should do to correct myself.