(Minghui.org) When it came to looking within, I found that I paid lip service to it, but did not truly practice it. Especially when I could not find an attachment, I gave up and sometimes even searched outward.
Looking within is of great importance to ferret out deep seated attachments.
After having mailed my lawsuits against Jiang Zemin, the former head of the communist regime, my body experienced karma elimination. I felt shortness of breath and continued to lose weight. I had a splitting headache and could neither stand nor sit one day after the documents had left my home. I felt my head was much too heavy and I needed to lay on my stomach to eat.
When doing the exercises, I endured the pain and finished the first set; however, I was trembling, was in a cold sweat, and had to lie on the floor. I did finish the exercises.
Facing the tribulation, looking within was of utmost importance, but I just could not find my attachments. Thus, I rested on my bed to ease the headache. My wife suggested that I listen to Master’s Fa while in bed, but I refused as I thought it was disrespectful to the Fa.
When I discussed my understanding with fellow practitioners, I realized that when amid a tribulation, it is better to listen to the Fa while in bed than not listening at all.
My three-year-old daughter asked why I was in bed during the day. When I told her that I was passing a test, she asked how I could pass a test while in bed. This was a wake-up call that told me that I could not pass the test while in bed. I got up and recited Master’s article “Expounding on the Fa,” but my headache did not get any better. I continued to send forth righteous thoughts. It did not work either.
On the fourth day, I endured the pain and walked in my garden. I negated the old forces arrangement.
About 30 minutes later, the heavy and swollen feeling in my head was getting better and reduced to the extent that I could endure. I realized that Master had eliminated a large amount of karma for me.
My left side of the body then became paralyzed, and I even drooled. I did not think about it any further and just went to my office. However, all the symptoms appeared again while at the office. I endured the headache. Negative thoughts came to my mind, so I searched on the Internet for the reasons behind my symptoms. I appeared to have “Intermittent brain cerebral obstruction.”
I felt terrible and forgot that I was a cultivator. I was not affected by my splitting headache, but the thought of becoming a paraplegic affected me. When I recall the situation now, I think it really reflected the true state of my xinxing. I did not cultivate solidly concerning this aspect.
I studied the Fa, practiced the exercises, and asked for Master’s help. Two weeks passed, but I still did not pass the test.
Master said:
“Except for newer students, from July 20 of 1999 on, Master hasn't created any personal cultivation tests for you, and that's because overall your personal cultivation has changed in every respect so that it's in the direction of saving sentient beings and validating Dafa.” (Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference)
I failed to understand this Fa teaching. I have cultivated for over 20 years and was persecuted in China. Now I am overseas, yet my body was persecuted again. I felt anger and resentment toward the old forces. Yet, what a “coincidence” that I got a severe headache after filing lawsuits against Jiang. It must be interference and persecution by the old forces, I thought, which should be eliminated by sending forth righteous thoughts.
But were my righteous thoughts effective? They acted in other dimensions and I did not know the effect in those dimensions. But on the surface, nothing seemed to be effective.
How could I become angry and resentful? Although these emotions targeted the old forces, it was not a thought that I should have had. Was I giving ammunition to the old forces to persecute me?
Actually, I did not want to suffer. I desired a quick recovery and getting rid of the tribulation—all human attachments that should be given up!
My extended family soon got involved. My mother-in-law told my parents about my situation. Everyone, including my father, siblings, wife, and other family members, pressured me to go to the hospital. In fact, all those pressures were caused by myself because my xinxing was not up to par.
I exchanged thoughts with practitioners who encouraged me and sent forth righteous thoughts. They all hoped that I would pass the test as soon as possible. I was certain that the key to passing the test was how I handled the tribulation and whether I could let go of the attachments.
But why, at the moment, could I not think like I did when I obtained the Fa? Why could I not see the tribulations as a good thing? When I wished for a quick recovery, I was thinking from the perspective of an ordinary person.
My thought was that if I did not go to a hospital and my health really worsened, would ordinary people think negatively about Dafa? This would discredit Dafa.
This thought showed my lack of confidence in the Fa. It also showed that my faith in Master and the Fa was shaken, and that I couldn’t let go of life and death.
Master said:
“Yet if a cultivator or an everyday person who cannot even make fundamentalsacrifices also discusses this principle, he is actually undermining the Fa by making excuses for the attachments he cannot let go of.” (“Non-Omission” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
Master's Fa gave the answer to my problem. However, I still found a little doubt about Dafa in my heart, which I tried to eliminate by sending righteous thoughts. I also distinguished the doubt from my true self.
During the test I was enlightened that the old forces were using the tribulation to eliminate the Dafa disciples they dislike. The old forces do not care if you pass a tribulation or not; their priority is to achieve their purpose.
What Master wants is to have Dafa disciples let go of their human attachments while establishing their mighty virtue. Whatever the tribulations and tests are, they were arranged by the old forces. Master utilized the arrangements to change the attitudes of all sentient beings toward Dafa, including those of the old forces.
Once I held that understanding, I let go of my anger and resentment toward the old forces. I decided to cultivate well and meet the requirements set by Master.
Master said:
“As long as you improve your character, you will be able to overcome them—it’s only that you might not want to overcome them. If you want to overcome them you can.” (Zhuan Falun)
With clarity in the Fa and upgrading xinxing, I was very clear what I should do: headache, let it hurt; hemiplegia, let it paralyze. I studied the Fa, sent forth righteous thoughts, practiced the exercises, and talked to people on the phone about Falun Dafa and the persecution.
I really let the attachment go! During meditation, I felt the bad substances being eliminated and I became calmer. Master had eliminated the karma for me.
Master said:
“The root of your health problem has been plucked out now, and only that little bit of black qi is left, coming out on its own, so that you have a little hardship and go through some difficulty. If you didn’t bear anything it really wouldn’t work.” (Zhuan Falun)