(Minghui.org) I would like to report to Master and share with fellow practitioners about my cultivation during the past year.
After several local practitioners were arrested for filing lawsuits against Jiang Zemin, I decided to shut down my home material production site.
During the past several years, I had my own material production site. Like other practitioners who had their own sites, I was really busy. But I felt that I did my best and was able to keep up with the requirements of Fa rectification. I felt good about my cultivation and believed that I had made progress. I began to see other practitioners' shortcomings and thought they all needed help.
There were a couple of Fa study groups near me. I felt uneasy if I did not go to one of them for a while and worried that they needed me to share or help. I became accustomed to my guiding them and their consulting me. I never asked myself whether I was validating myself or Dafa. The elderly practitioner in my family also felt that something was off.
Once I was unable to go to one of the Fa study groups and sent the practitioner in my family instead. He usually did not go to this group, so he noticed right away that the practitioners at this group had many questions for me and seemed to overly rely on me. After he mentioned it, I began to think about this issue.
In the past I had also felt that they were relying on me too much, but I believed that what I did was helping the Fa rectification. I corrected them when they were not in line with the Fa and helped them by treating their things as my own.
But after this, I realized that I was an obstacle on their cultivation paths. I used what I had enlightened to evaluate them. Because I was articulate, I was able to persuade them to do things my way. I did not realize that every practitioner has his or her own cultivation path, and that each one is different. I encouraged them to rely on me and let me to do things for them. I didn’t give them opportunities to make their own breakthroughs.
I always shared my experiences on what I did well. I never clarified the truth face-to-face, so I rarely shared on this topic. I unintentionally influenced other practitioners to seldom clarify the truth in person. Although many practitioners came to our study group, very few took the informational materials, and fewer and fewer people were quitting the CCP and its affiliated organizations.
I left my Fa study group and let another coordinator practitioner take care of it. I needed to adjust my cultivation state by studying the Fa with a calm heart.
I later joined another small Fa study group. I did not know the practitioners in this group very well. They are young and capable. I no longer put myself above anyone and made it a point to be humble. This was the start of my new cultivation state.
I began to cooperate with other practitioners not as a coordinator, but as a participant. When I went with them to send forth righteous thoughts at a detention center, my head and stomach ached. Other practitioners told me that I had not truly gone out to do Fa rectification work and was therefore nervous. I realized that I had fallen behind.
My attachments were exposed when I participated in other projects. For example, I didn’t know what to say when I made phone calls to clarify the truth. Another time, when I was riding my bike to where I made phone calls, I suddenly felt really unwell. I had to sit on the curb and it got so bad that I felt I was dying. But I knew I could not die because that would tarnish Dafa’s reputation. After vomiting twice, I felt better and went home.
When I shared this experience with other practitioners, they pointed out that I was not making phone calls for the right reason. I really wanted to be able to speak well on the phone, so instead of trying to save people, I was thinking about how to improve my technique. This is the fundamental difference between a human and a god. That was also a problem that I had before. I had always evaluated practitioners by how much work they did.
With other practitioners' help, I discovered that I was unkind at a fundamental level. I always saw other practitioners' shortcomings and spoke to them gruffly. When I tried to get rid of this attachment, I began to see other practitioners' strengths and their goodness. Master took care of all of them. I was ashamed of myself.
I also saw that I was cunning and insincere. One practitioner told me, “Although you are helping practitioners, you are not truly with them. Your heart is not there.” I did not understand at that time. When I looked inward, I saw that other practitioners opened their hearts to me but my heart was closed. I never talked about my own problems.
When I was able to freely share my issues with other practitioners—for example how I was unable to get up in the morning to do the exercises, how I could only do my sitting meditation for 40 minutes, how fear made me unwilling to go to practitioners' trials, and how I had an attachment to time—the door to my heart opened. I was at ease.
Why did I still have so many issues? Why did I fall behind even though in my heart I wanted to do well? Recently, my child had trouble with his school work. I knew that it must have something to do with my cultivation. After looking inward, I realized that his attitude toward his school work was the same as how I cultivated. I did not want to deal with any hardships and just blindly hoped that Master would not leave me behind.
I counted on Master's compassion to compensate for my not cultivating diligently. I was selfish to only think of myself, without considering Master and the standard of Dafa and the new cosmos. I did not fulfill my obligations, including the transformation of my body which will be part of the future cosmos.
As I found even more attachments, I began to cultivate my speech and talked less. What I said just showed that I was validating myself, showing off, complaining, and trying to change others. Now I felt no need to open my mouth.
As a true practitioner, I must have the courage to face my true cultivation state. After stumbling along the way, I realized that I must truly get rid of my attachments. I do not need to think too much. Instead, I should just focus on doing well every day.
Thank you, Master! Thank you, fellow practitioners!