(Minghui.org) Before I did anything, I thought about how I had succeeded with similar efforts in the past and what lessons I had learned. I felt pride in how I did things. I constantly sought to prove a point and affirm myself. I often thought that a particular matter should be done according to my ideas; otherwise, the result would be less than satisfactory.
This is how I had done things for a number of years. While studying the Fa, I felt that I was the happiest person, because I have Master, who has arranged everything for me. I thought that I should just do everything without another thought and have no worries, but this was my wishful thinking. As soon as I put down the Dafa book to do something, my thoughts changed.
When I think back, I used to alternate between a calm, peaceful state and one of anxiety and competitiveness. When I looked inward, I found that I did not fully trust Master and the Fa. This attachment was the result of indoctrination by the Chinese Communist Party, which calls for fighting against Heaven and Earth.
After I recognized this attachment, I felt better, but I could only restrain it. In fact, I have not yet fully eliminated this attachment. My mind told me that I would not be able to remove it, so I felt very sad. I had tried to cultivate for over a decade, but I still did not know how to cultivate.
One day, when I was amid a test, I claimed on the surface that I was looking within. Yet, my mind still thought that the matter should be done according to my own ideas. I contemplated about having righteous thoughts, how to be responsible to the Fa, and so on. Suddenly, my husband, who is also a practitioner, interrupted me and said, “Do you know what an especially clear voice just said out loud–proving yourself!”
I was shocked and felt that Master was giving me a serious and disappointed look. I had not realized that the words had come out of my mouth. At that moment, I felt so ashamed and thought that I would be ruined unless I pass this test.
“Proving yourself, proving yourself, proving yourself...” I repeated these words in my heart. Suddenly, I felt that my true self had awakened, and I could clearly see that my small self was strong, selfish, and arrogant. She stood in front of me and looked at me proudly. She was able to control me, and I had always embraced her with pride!
I know that I should face this other me with courage. I thought about my Fa-validating activities. How many things had I really done out of compassion and out of responsibility for the safety of sentient beings? How much had I done to prove myself? How much have I done in defense of Dafa? Yet, all of these things gradually turned into validating myself. On the road of facing the evil and pressure, how much have I trusted Master?
In actual cultivation practice, how many of my attachments of resentment could not be removed? How many were caused by my failure to prove myself? How many arguments had happened because I wanted to prove myself? How many attachments to fame and benefit could not be removed because I insisted on proving myself? I do not even dare to think of these issues anymore.
In answering a question raised by a practitioner, Master said:
“Student: When encountering problems or reflecting on problems, I find that my thoughts are always centered around myself being such and such. It seems that there is a root that just can’t be eliminated and I’m very upset by it. Why is it that I’m unable to maintain a state of righteous awareness?
Teacher: Excellent! I see your desire to eliminate it. That’s exactly what cultivation is. As to eliminating your own selfish heart—that root—it takes a process, for it developed over the course of a large portion of your lifetime. I believe that you will definitely manage to eliminate it during your cultivation, that fundamental thing behind selfishness. You are able to recognize all of these things and are able to concentrate on eliminating it during cultivation. This is very good, and it is exactly what cultivation is!” (“Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference in Australia”)
I told myself, “Fa-rectification is going on in the universe. The new universe is very pure. Therefore, I have to let you go.”
From the bottom of my heart, I kept begging Master to save me, and I persistently sent righteous thoughts to clear my field. I really felt that Master was on my side and that Master's power was strengthening me. I could feel the other me being wiped out, layer by layer. It is much weaker and can no longer control me. When it appears again, I will grab it and eliminate it.
In the past, whenever I found an attachment, such as jealousy, seeking fame and personal interest, and showing off, I sent righteous thoughts to remove these attachments. Finally, I only thought of these attachments once when I sent righteous thoughts.
Now, I do not target those attachments, but I target the karma and notions within me. My sending righteous thoughts this way is very powerful. When I feel that my heart was somehow moved, I stop and ask myself why I was disturbed and which notion of mine was in play. I then remove that particular notion by sending righteous thoughts.
When I used to ask what was on my husband’s mind, he would reply, “Nothing.” I could not believe it and wondered how his mind could be so empty. How could he reach the state of no thought, and what was it like?
Now, I can finally reach the state of no thought. This is the best way I can express it in words: “Without summarizing my past, without worrying about my future, and without emphasizing myself, I do well with what I should do at that moment.”
I truly believe that Master has arranged everything for his disciples, and that he is just waiting for us to reach that point.