(Minghui.org) I am introverted, with a tendency to be submissive, so I always believed that I had done rather well in my cultivation, especially in regard to Forbearance. Even though, at times, I still failed to measure myself against the standards of the Fa, causing interference and losses to my cultivation.
I want to share my experience of dealing with serious sickness karma and the lessons I learned from it, so that I can reflect on my inadequacies and because I hope that other practitioners can avoid making the same mistakes.
After the 2015 Chinese New Year, I suddenly began to lose a lot of weight. I became weak and listless.
I developed symptoms of indigestion six months later. I couldn’t eat much, had stomach pains, and frequently felt like I was going to be sick.
It was worse by November. My bowels moved more often but with great difficulty.
My husband and other family members decided to take me to the hospital. I didn’t even think to object, as I didn't have a good enough understanding of the Fa. Instead of wanting to offend people by refusing medical treatment, I devised what I considered a “clever” and correct plan of action.
Even if I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought, what would that amount to? When the doctors’ treatment had no affect on me, then I’d show them what Falun Dafa could do.
I believed that would validate the Fa to the people around me. I didn’t realize that I was effectively playing the old force's game and doing the dumbest thing. I was creating a long detour on my cultivation path. I'm sure being bedridden and not being able to do the three things well is not what Master wants for his disciples.
As a result of my many illnesses, half of my stomach had to be removed, as well as all of my pancreas except the tail, and my spleen was taken out. There were also two late-stage cancerous tumors at the base of my abdomen.
Doctors at the Beijing hospital told my family that they didn't think I would live to see 2016. I wasn't told this and I never asked.
I had chemotherapy four times and biotherapy twice. After that, the doctors declared that I was too weak for further treatment. However, they did give me pethidine injections for five more days to relieve my abdominal and lower back pain.
My husband told our family and relatives that funeral arrangements might need to be made.
I found all this out by chance when I saw the messages on my husband’s cell phone. That happened sometime towards the end of May 2016.
I decided that it was time to put my plan into action. I wanted to leave the hospital to study the Fa and do the exercises at a practitioner’s house the following day.
My family resented Dafa because I had been persecuted many times before, and wouldn't listen to me when I tried to talk to them about Dafa. But when I told them that I wanted to stay with a practitioner for a bit, they didn't argue, thinking they were granting me my last wish.
Through Fa study, experience sharing with practitioners and pleading for Master’s help, I finally learned how to truly look inward, to slowly uncover my problems.
I have a large family, and we have always gotten on well with each other. We look out for and truly care for one another. The frequent expressions of love and concern for family had led me to have such a strong attachment for them.
This attachment is very serious for a practitioner, but I had taken it lightly for so long that it became the root cause of my physical problems.
For example, my younger brother broke the law and ended up owing an enormous sum of money. I took out a 100,000-yuan loan from the bank to help pay part of his debt. I've been paying the minimum monthly fee using two credit cards to juggle my finances around as a result.
When I needed dental implants, a relative used his connections to arrange to get me into a health care program so I could spend the least and get the best treatment. But as I discovered later, the implants were not covered by that health insurance.
From an ordinary person’s perspective, I seemed to have gotten a great deal. But as a practitioner, I did a most shameful thing. I learned later that the fees for my dental implants were incorporated into the costs for the treatment of my tumor, so to avoid paying any fees.
The dental treatment started in 2014, but it wasn’t until my body was riddled with symptoms of sickness karma in 2015 that I realized something must be amiss in my cultivation.
I realized that I did wrong, that I had a strong attachment to profit and a desire to take unfair advantage for personal gain. This is absolutely not how a practitioner should behave.
My dental implants were not complete by the time I realized my mistake, so I decided not proceed any further.
More than 90,000 yuan had already been spent on the implants. I paid out less than 20,000 yuan, and the rest was “covered” by the insurance.
I also realized my lack of respect for Master, since my behavior was not one of a true cultivator.
Those were the attachments and issues I uncovered after looking inward and examining myself with a fine tooth comb. I’m sure there are many more that I have yet to dig out, but I intend to continue to rectify myself within the Fa.
Although my two pelvic tumors are still causing me back and stomach pain, the fact that I am still alive is proof enough of Dafa's miraculous power and saving grace, which every member of my family has witnessed.
The day after I moved in with a practitioner and began serious cultivation, my younger sister saw and felt that the bulging lumps in my stomach had gotten smaller.
When she told the rest of the family, they couldn't believe that Dafa could be so miraculous.
My husband was amazed to see how much I had improved two days later. He had seen before that I couldn’t even sit up in bed and could hardly speak. Now he saw me getting around by myself and holding a normal conversation.
My family is now completely at peace with the amount of time I spend studying the Fa and doing the exercises with other practitioners. They were finally won over when they saw how Dafa practitioners practice compassion and demonstrate their genuine concern for others.
They all agreed to quit the Chinese Communist Party and its affiliated organizations, and are truly convinced that Falun Dafa is good, that Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good!
There are still times when I have no appetite and cannot bring myself to do the exercises because of the pain, but with help from fellow practitioners, diligent Fa study, and honest sharing, I have come to understand the reasons why, even though I had studied the Fa, I had not truly obtained the Fa.
Without putting Dafa in the forefront, without honoring Master, without measuring myself against the Fa, I was merely touching the surface and not grasping the content of the Fa.
I have wasted so much time meandering off the true cultivation path. Cultivation is serious. Nothing is too small to overlook. Everything needs to be weighed against Dafa’s standard, to see if it's in line with the Fa.
I will continue to improve and elevate myself within the Fa, to be responsible for all sentient beings, to walk the path Master has arranged for me, to validate Dafa, to cultivate solidly and resolutely, to reach the level of compassion that truly puts others first, and to assist Master in Fa-rectification until the very end.