(Minghui.org) I came to understand that writing a cultivation sharing article is also an introspection of my cultivation. Thus, this will help me recognize any shortcomings.
Filing lawsuits against Jiang Zemin started in May 2015. I hesitated about filing a lawsuit. My cultivation environment was good. I did not want to do anything to jeopardize my environment and so I held back on filing a lawsuit.
Then, other practitioners encouraged me to file a lawsuit. I was moved by the filing document prepared by a practitioner who had just started cultivating, so I started preparing the document for the lawsuit.
However, I was still hesitant. I was a practitioner not known to the Party officials and I treasured my environment. However, other practitioners kept encouraging me, so I decided to go ahead and submitted the document in July.
I sent in the lawsuit, but my thought was not righteous. I kept thinking that the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) would come after me. I did not understand that this was an incorrect thought. I should not have doubt and should reject such thoughts.
I read from internet reports that some practitioners in different areas were arrested for filing the lawsuit against Jiang Zemin. This was not helpful in easing my mind.
I was planning a vacation out of town. I told a fellow practitioner that I was taking a trip out of town and would not be joining the group Fa study the following week. She gave me a skeptical look and said, “That's nice, have a good time.” I felt a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
Not long after that the local police and neighborhood committee members came to my home. I did not open the door.
I sent strong righteous thoughts, “Suing Jiang Zemin is a righteous thing to do.” The officials soon left.
I talked to local practitioners about this, but some were skeptical and said, “Really?” I felt that they did not try to help me realize why this had happened and instead looked down on me. I felt that my cultivation had been inadequate in their eyes.
I always treated fellow practitioners with kindness and honesty. When asked for help in solving their problems I did my best. So I was now perplexed. Why are they treating me with such contempt, what did I do wrong?
I thought that honesty with each other was best. If they thought that I had a problem they should tell me. Thus, I went on a xinxing cultivation journey. I did not realize this situation was for me to eliminate my ordinary thoughts.
I once spent an entire week working on setting up a computer for a fellow practitioner. When others asked me if I had gone out to tell people about Falun Dafa that week, I felt bad. Didn't they recognize my efforts in another project? I was offended.
I started to remember more things from the past that offended me. A fellow practitioner once told me, “Your cultivation state is the worst in the group.” I did not comment.
However, when I remembered the comment, I felt bad that my cultivation was regarded as poor. I spent a lot of time on the technical aspects, leaving me little time to hand out fliers and talk to people. I felt used, as if they only came to me when they needed me, but ignored me when they did not, so I began to avoid my fellow practitioners.
I lost my confidence in cultivation and even thought about giving it up. I had no desire to see fellow practitioners. I was feeling depressed and did not feel like doing the exercises. I only read a few paragraphs in Zhuan Falun every day. I knew I had a problem but was clueless what it was.
I continued to feel this way until the following April. I began to study the Fa with an elderly practitioner. I understood from reading the lectures, that a practitioner must be determined in cultivation.
I then looked within and found that in the past I did not totally believe in Master and the Fa. I dealt with situations with human notions. Slowly my condition began to improve.
I began to interact with fellow practitioners again. I found myself getting busy doing things for Dafa but there were still problems. I started to memorize Hong Yin IV.
After I memorized Hong Yin IV my thinking became clearer. I thought perhaps it was me who created a situation for other practitioners to rely heavily on me in some areas.
Besides, I also realized I had the mentality of “doing things.” I was relieved to find this attachment.
After I memorized Hong Yin IV a second time. I became even more clear about my problem.
Master said,
“If you haven't done things well you should seize the day. You don't need anyone to affirm you, and you don't need to do things to show anyone. When you are able to live up to your conscience, Master sees it.” (Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference)
I read this Fa teaching over and over again. I once again understood that our doing things well was not for showing off to others and receiving compliments. I had been too attached to what others thought of me and was looking for their approval.
I understood that all the events of the past were to help me find my attachments and discard them. However, I had failed to use these opportunities. I felt ashamed for not being able to understand Master’s arrangement.
When I was finishing up this sharing article, I told myself, “Since I understand now, I will do better. I will improve in my cultivation.”