(Minghui.org) It has been more than 20 years since I began to practice Falun Gong. The year was 1996. I feel rather ashamed for not having done very well on my cultivation path, even though I was doing the three things and appeared quite diligent on the surface.
Only recently did I learn how to be a true cultivator and how to look within unconditionally.
I was illegally arrested in 2005, and after I was released, I thought that I regained my freedom because of my righteous thoughts.
When I found out that my husband had bribed my persecutors by paying 20,000 yuan, I complained about him instead of looking within. My husband was a relatively new practitioner, as he had obtained the Fa only a year earlier. He realized that he was in the wrong and endured despite my nagging and complaints.
I was arrested again prior to the Beijing Olympics in 2008 and was detained for over 30 days.
This was a great opportunity to clarify the facts to other detainees. In the end all of the 23 people in my cell learned the facts about Falun Gong and quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and its affiliated organizations.
The cell head, and a former property company manager, expressed that they would like to practice Falun Gong.
“I’ve come across all kinds of people in my life,” said the cell head. “I admire Falun Gong practitioners the most. If I had come across Falun Gong earlier, I would not have gotten into such a plight.”
Instead of being released, I was transferred to a brainwashing center, where family members were ordered to urge practitioners to give up their faith. One family member was my elderly mother, who cried and put pressure on me.
I did not look within and failed to see that it was interference from human sentimentality. Instead, I started to complain about my husband again, claiming that he still held the attachment to fear.
For my not doing well, I must admit that I failed a test because I did something I should not have done while in the brainwashing center -- I wrote a guarantee statement that I would renounce my faith – which left a dark mark on my cultivation path. I deeply regretted it and wrote a solemn statement to nullify my earlier statement two days after my release.
The coordinator in our city was illegally arrested in 2016, and many places were ransacked. In the face of such adversity, I realized that I needed to truly and not just perfunctory look within.
My husband and I often study the Fa together and share our understandings.
Master said,
“Can you be considered a Falun Dafa disciple if you just practice these few sets of exercises everyday? Not necessarily. This is because true cultivation practice must follow the requirements of the xinxing standard that we have established, and you have to truly upgrade your xinxing—then, it is true cultivation practice. If you only practice the exercises without improving xinxing and without the powerful energy that strengthens everything, it cannot be called cultivation practice; neither can we treat you as Falun Dafa disciples.” (Zhuan Falun)
Whenever we studied this paragraph in the past, I would say it referred to him, while he pointed the finger at me.
I never accepted what he said and thought that I was doing the three things much more because I had cultivated a lot longer, and was a better cultivator.
When we studied the same paragraph recently, I realized that Master was referring to me. When I shared this thought with my husband, he immediately said he had not done well in cultivation and must make a greater effort. We no longer argue about this particular issue.
My daughter-in-law lied to my face. In the past, I would have held resentment toward her, assuming that everyday people just behave that way.
This time, I treated the incident as a cultivation opportunity. I wondered, “Why did she lie to my face? Have I ever lied before? Have I always followed the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance?
My son once said to me in front of his son, “He is the only one in the family who brings joy to grandma; everyone else makes grandma unhappy.”
I handled the situation differently than in the past.
“You’re all doing very well,” I said, “and have done your best for the family and your work. If I feel unhappy, then I need to let go of attachments.”
One of the coordinators complained during sharing and said, “I want comfort too. I also want to sit at home and study the Fa. But who will do all these tasks?”
I looked within if I also held the attachment to comfort. Unlike in the past, I held no resentment toward this coordinator, but a lot of understanding and tolerance.
In the past, when I was doing the three things, I felt under a lot pressure, as if I had to do these things because I had to repay Master for his compassion towards me.
Since I learned how to look within, I have gained a much deeper understanding of the Fa principles, and I no long feel pressured when doing the three things.