(Minghui.org) I noticed during my cultivation that wrong thoughts frequently entered my mind. If I had not studied the Fa well, done the exercises, or sent righteous thoughts the prior night, I dared not step out of my home, fearing that the old forces would persecute me one way or another.
My occupation is tutoring students, so I often would think, “I must practice diligently. Only then can my students study well and achieve good grades.” When I slacked off in my cultivation, I worried that I could not do my job well and might face interference. This type of thought gradually became a deeply ingrained notion. I had placed myself in a victim's role, which may have indicated that I was acknowledging the persecution. And this might explain why I constantly experienced tribulations. In fact, my xinxing had not improved significantly over the years I had cultivated.
An incident recently helped me to finally realize my shortfall. My students were on a break, and I had more time to myself, so I decided to cook a meal that night for my family.
As I started cooking, I thought, “My brother-in-law is a selfish person and is mean to me. Why should I cook for him? Also, my older sister used to tell me that I had to cook for the man in my life. Now, she doesn't cook for her husband, and her daughter-in-law doesn't cook for her son either. I am the one cooking for everyone in the family.”
I knew that I needed to uplift my xinxing and conduct myself according to Master's requirements. Yet another thought then popped into my head, “If my xinxing improves, my tutoring business next year is bound to be prosperous.” My mind then calmed down and I decided to cook our meal.
I was shocked at my selfish thoughts. I realized that my most fundamental attachments to cultivating xinxing were the hope of developing a successful business, making more money, leading a comfortable life, and avoiding the persecution. Isn't it fundamentally wrong to use Dafa for personal gain?
When I was released from a labor camp in 2007, I found that the social environment was more relaxed and my mother and fellow practitioners could even distribute Dafa materials on the street without being arrested. I said to myself, “The environment has improved so much. The Fa-rectification must be ending soon. Haven't I lost the opportunity to establish my virtue and achieve consummation?”
Yet, I was actually happy to hear that the persecution was still ongoing and the environment harsh in a certain region. Fortunately, I caught this deviant thought. So, I sent righteous thoughts to eliminate these thoughts.
As I examined my mindset I found the root of my attachment dating back to the days I started practicing Dafa. I had recently divorced and had lost my job. I had to look for a teaching job at a low-level village elementary school. At the rock bottom of my life, I saw in Falun Dafa a way to avoid the hardships and the shameful feelings I had from others looking down on me. I was trying to escape the reality and thought that Dafa practitioners would not look down on me. I was in fact already going to extremes, and did not truly understand the nature of cultivation.
After reading experience sharing articles written by fellow practitioners, I realized why I had difficulties advancing diligently, despite years of effort—my fundamental attachment. My original motivation in cultivation was to achieve consummation, because consummation meant that I would no longer have to endure the hardships of human society. I had therefore been practicing Dafa with a selfish heart and attachment to personal gains during my years of cultivation. My endless troubles and tribulations stemmed from this selfish origin.
I also had many negative thoughts, such as, “If I don't cultivate diligently the evil will take advantage of my loopholes and persecute me.” As I considered myself a victim of the persecution, I had fallen into the trap of the old forces' way of thinking, and therefore faced repeated difficulties. I realized that this mindset was forced on me. Therefore I became determined to deny it.
Master said,
“If you, as a student [of Dafa], do not follow Master’s requirements, it is definitely no simple thing. The old forces have arranged for all Dafa disciples a set of their things, so if a Dafa disciple doesn’t follow Master’s requirements, he must be following the old forces’ arrangements. The old forces are in essence gigantic trials and tribulations that accompany you at all times, focused on whether in Fa-rectification Dafa disciples are able to step forward.” (“Be Clearheaded,” The Essentials of Diligent Progress, Vol III)
After searching within, I realized that my cultivation issues were arranged by the old forces, as I had not followed Master's teachings and requirements. Also due to my lack of true xinxing improvement, I had not been able to develop compassion, which in turn resulted in my lack of motivation to partake in the Fa-rectification. I had clarified the truth about Falun Dafa in the past, intending to accumulate more virtue and glory. With such a selfish goal, my effort lost steam in the long run. In fact, lasting motivation to clarify the truth about Dafa comes only from compassion obtained through cultivation.