(Minghui.org) I began practicing Falun Dafa in 2005 when I was an administrator for a computer games company. Master said,
“Video games are really harmful to people, and not just Dafa disciples’ kids. They really draw people in, and have had a negative effect on everyday people as well. They make you do poorly in your work, sleep poorly, rest poorly, and make you devoid of human affection or warmth of feeling, make you neglect your family, make students neglect their studies, and entice you and draw you in. They are contributing to humankind’s destruction. In order to promote video games, those business people constantly come up with new kinds and hype them up on a large scale. What are people to do after they’ve created such an enormous amount of karma? They are corrupting humankind.” (Fa Teaching Given at the 2014 San Francisco Fa Conference)
My position in the company was secure and my duties were relatively light, so even though Master mentioned how harmful computer games were, I stayed on. Inwardly I knew that I had a fear of hardship and wanted to be comfortable.
After I attended the 2016 New York Fa Conference, I realized I had let Master down. When I returned home, I resigned.
I decided to take the exams to earn a state-run business staff certificate. My husband encouraged me, because we needed a reliable income, which would be guaranteed if I passed the exams. His parents were very happy and were even willing to help with our living expenses so that I could concentrate on my studies.
At the end of 2016, I took the exams for the first time and failed. I felt it was because I had little time to prepare. A year later, however, I failed them a second time. I was under great stress. My parents-in-law and parents phoned me every week to ask about my progress. They spoke as though they were questioning my ability to pass the exams. They mentioned my age (35) and said perhaps I could no longer study effectively and that my memory was declining. When we visited them during the Chinese New Year, my father-in-law did not look happy and avoided talking to me.
I had read many articles on the Minghui website in which practitioners mentioned that, as long as they did the three things that Dafa practitioners should do, they earned good grades even if they weren’t able to study much. At that time, I spent a lot of time helping with the RTC platform every week, so why didn’t I have a similar experience? After I examined myself, I saw that I had many attachments.
I felt that if I was helping to clarify the truth, Master would empower me and I would pass the exams. Thus, I did not study much. This was actually being extreme, just as Master mentioned:
“...the person who once walked down the street waving my book, shouting about having “Master Li’s protection” and not being afraid of traffic. (The Third Talk, “What I Do For Learners,” Zhuan Falun)
I thought that since this was for an ordinary person’s job I shouldn’t focus on studying. I later understood that this was also being extreme.
I realized that, although I told my non-practitioner family members that I was going for the exams, I did not take it seriously. I did not schedule my time well and took on many truth clarification tasks. All this added to my stress in terms of time and finances and the end result was that I did not do well at anything.
Master said,
“Actually, when it comes to clarifying the truth, Dafa disciples have always used their own savings and salaries to do things. But you do need to take into consideration how you live: not only should you consider how you live, but also how your family lives, and consider others. If you can't handle your family life or your own life well, that's going to make it hard for you to clarify the truth. Or from another perspective, if your life isn't stable and you even have trouble feeding yourself, then you'll have to divert your attention to that, and wouldn't your truth-clarification work in fact be disrupted? So you have to consider your circumstances. I can see your hearts. Just do what you can” (“Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students,” Collected Fa Teachings, Vol. VI)
Master’s Fa helped me realize that if I could earn the certificate soon, my family would have a stable income. Then I could stop worrying about money and calmly participate in truth-clarification projects.
So, in 2018, I concentrated on studying for the exams. I still felt uncertain and anxious and couldn’t sleep. As soon as I looked at the books, I became sleepy. Passing the exams seemed impossible. One practitioner asked about my situation. She talked about her recent experiences after memorizing the Fa with other practitioners. She felt her cultivation improved a lot afterward, and she invited me to join them.
I started to study the Fa with the others on the RTC platform the next day. The first few days I still felt sleepy, but I became alert when they start to memorize the Fa. After the second week, I began to feel quiet and peaceful, like I felt when I first began practicing. Paragraphs in Zhuan Falun appeared in my mind and guided me. Only then did I realize that it had been a long time since I'd read an entire lecture in Zhuan Falun every day due to my letting up in cultivation.
Suddenly, the theories I was studying for the exams became clear and easy to understand! Master arranged for me to obtain a better set of materials and even arranged for a fellow practitioner who had already passed the exams to share her study methods with me. Everything began progressing, and I soon had the pure and sacred feeling that I had when I began practicing.
As the exam date neared, I wanted more time to study. I told the other practitioners. Those who coordinate the Saturday RTC calls and another activity said they hoped that I would continue. They both reminded me not to have an attachment to gain or loss. I disagreed and said, “How can I pass the exams if I don’t study?”
Manpower for the call platform was already stretched thin. I had no choice; my help was needed. I wasn’t happy and kept thinking that I wasn't good at making calls, so asking me to be on duty was a waste of time.
Because of my negative thoughts, my calls were really bad. For several weeks, whoever I called either hung up immediately or the call went directly to voicemail. I felt dejected but continued until the end of my shift. Overcome with frustration, I suddenly realized that I could no longer continue this way. Then, I had a righteous thought. I really hoped that the next person I phoned would be saved, and I asked Master to help me.
The next person I phoned actually listened and quit the CCP. At that moment I understood that what really mattered was whether I sincerely wanted to save people. A feeling of peace and compassion enveloped me and I felt energized. I was filled with gratitude to Master for giving me the sacred mission to save lives and thankful for the fellow practitioners who'd encouraged me to persevere.
I reflected on the meaning of “the attachment to gain and loss.” I felt that “gain” referred to the benefits that I wanted, including financial stability, recognition from family members, etc. “Loss” referred to the fame I was afraid of losing. For example, financial difficulties, having to study for another year, and enduring the pressure from family and friends.
Participating in the RTC platform and other projects also took time. Finding time to participate was a test to see if I could let go of fame and benefits. Letting go of all these seemingly practical gains was hard for me. When I remembered how the practitioners in China have to choose between staying safe or risking everything to save people, my loss was nothing.
The day before the exams, I continued to make calls on the RTC platform. After the exams, I ate something and went to the tourist attraction to send forth righteous thoughts and do the exercises.
I know that I have very strong attachments to gain and loss that are hard to relinquish. Sometimes the pressure is overwhelming. The practitioner who had taken the exams before understood what I was going through and said, “You just have to remember that everything you’re experiencing was arranged by Master.”
While I waited to hear if I'd passed the exams, I reflected on what she said. Everything made sense. After I failed the exams in 2017, I studied and memorized the Fa with other practitioners. Since it had been a long time since I systematically read the teachings, this opportunity allowed me to feel the power of Fa study and its sacredness.
Thinking more deeply, why did Master arrange for me to take these exams? What attachments did I need to get rid of? I discovered that I had a strong attachment to relying on others. Normally, when I am faced with questions or tasks that are too difficult, I seek help from fellow practitioners. However, in taking these exams I could not rely on my husband or anyone else.
I also discovered that, since I was a child I studied because I wanted to earn good grades and satisfy my parents’ expectations. I only focused on the results instead of the process. Eventually I developed the mentality of seeking fame and benefits and making use of opportunities. As the exam date loomed nearer, I became anxious. Then I read something else Master said:
“If you always think about getting into college, getting into college, and yet you don’t study well, how can you get into college? You don’t need to think about getting into college all the time. Wouldn’t it be a waste of energy if you couldn’t get into one? Don’t think about getting into college, just work hard to study well, and that’s enough. When you have done well with your studies, college or graduate school will come along, right? That’s how it works.” (“Teaching the Fa and Answering Questions in Guangzhou,” Zhuan Falun Fajie, The Law of Zhuan Falun Explained)
I examined myself. What was the source of my greatest pressure? It wasn't that I was worried about a lack of money or about having to study one more year if I failed again. I wanted to show my parents-in-law that I could do it! I wanted their approval and recognition.
The day of the exams, I felt Master’s benevolent help. When the results came out, I was in the top 20 of the 169 people that were selected for recruitment. Out of nearly 9000 people who took the exams, I took them in more categories than anyone else.
I know that I did so well because Master watched over me! Other practitioners encouraged me. Their sharing and reminders helped me not to be lost in gain and loss while I prepared for the exams. They encouraged me to persist in fulfilling my mission as a Dafa practitioner to clarify the truth, look inward to cultivate myself during the tribulation, face setbacks positively, and to improve in my cultivation.