(Minghui.org) I began practicing Falun Dafa in September 2015. I thought I cultivated well, but I later realized that was not the case. I thought I was very diligent. I got up at 3:30 a.m. and went to bed at midnight after I sent forth righteous thoughts. However, I was only going through the motions. I cultivated based on my feelings. I felt filled with energy, but I wasn't doing well particularly when clarifying the truth.
I was worried because I realized how urgent this was. My uncle is a police officer, and after he told me that some officers were watching me I was frightened. I knew that people still needed to hear the facts about Dafa, so I went out and talked to everyone I met. I thought since the police knew I was a practitioner, what was the point of hiding?
I disregarded safety. My uncle said people reported me, saying that I pressured them when I clarified the truth. He scolded me loudly and said that I had made myself a target for persecution.
I'm young and I live in a small town. I wasn't afraid to talk to people about Dafa, but the effect was not good. I asked the other practitioners for informational materials about Falun Dafa so I could distribute them to people face to face. When they saw my cultivation state, the other practitioners took back the materials they had brought. They said I was not rational and I wasn't paying attention to safety. I was confused, and didn't know what paying attention to safety meant or what “righteous thoughts and acts” were.
Now, I understand that my extreme thoughts developed due to the indoctrination by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). I was anxious to be successful. I was strongly attached to the concept of time and to validating myself. I looked down on other people. My wanting to save people was for myself, and I was being selfish. I was afraid that I could not fulfill my vow, and thus I would fail to reach consummation.
I was also attached to the things I heard in other dimensions. The old forces found my loopholes and strengthened my attachments. I thought that the way I talked to people was correct. I thought I was better than others and looked down on them. I almost did things that were damaging to Dafa. It was horrible. I felt tremendous pressure during that time, and I became depressed.
This went on until I tried to memorize the Fa. I had tried before, but I was attached to time and felt that I did not have enough time. I felt it was too difficult and that I would not be able to do it. This time I did not care about time or whether I could memorize or not.
It took me a long time to memorize just a small paragraph. The difficulty almost caused me to give up again.
One day I overheard a fellow practitioner loudly say, “She needs to work harder.” All my life, I always tried to escape whenever I encountered difficulties. I gave up too easily and ended up succeeding at nothing. These negative memories prevented me from being diligent.
I had to change. This time I finished memorizing a paragraph in an hour. Thank you Teacher for encouraging me. It became difficult when I reached the next title, but I understood that it was time for me to elevate and make a breakthrough.
Memorizing the teachings enabled me to look inward. I clearly felt Teacher eliminating many bad substances as I memorized. By looking inward thoroughly, I found I had never cultivated “Truthfulness.” I always stopped after I identified my attachments, but I did not truly change myself. I even thought that I was just that way, and there was nothing I could do to change myself.
I could not sit still when I studied the Fa. I felt uncomfortable and that something was disturbing me. That “something” was composed of conceit, jealousy, lust, negative thoughts, and many other bad substances. They controlled me. As soon as I identified them, I felt many negative substances were destroyed. I felt much better.
My telling people the facts about Falun Dafa has never been effective. I argued with people sometimes. I felt depressed when I lost the argument. I also had the attachment to fame. I often felt that people were laughing behind my back after I finished telling them the facts. I knew that it was time to eliminate my attachment to being combative.
Although I was not doing too well in saving people, Teacher always arranged for those with predestined relationships to meet me, and they quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) after I talked with them.
I had always hesitated to clarify the truth to middle-aged people. When I finally did the person immediately quit the CCP. I went home afterward, and mother was surprised to see me home early, so I decided to go out again.
I met a person as soon as I stepped out. I told him the facts and he quit the CCP. As I walked away, I heard him loudly telling another person, “Falun Dafa is good.” I felt excited, but I regretted not talking to the other person.
Then I met my neighbor's child. As soon as she saw me she held out her hand to show me something. It was the Falun Dafaamuletl that I had given her. I knew that Teacher was encouraging me, to let me see that sentient beings are longing to be saved.
We all know that saving people is an urgent matter. But now I understand that one needs to elevate oneself according to the Fa first. When our realms are elevated, the bad substances will diminish. Our righteous thoughts will be stronger, and the power of our benevolence will be greater. Then we'll be more effective in telling people the facts.
I still have many attachments that I need to eliminate. I thank Teacher for protecting me. I will work harder and do better!