(Minghui.org) During my 20-some-year cultivation, I have changed from an arrogant, and selfish person, who was brainwashed by the Chinese Communist Party's indoctrination, to a humble, peaceful, and calm Dafa practitioner. I thank Master and Dafa for renewing my life.
I had some conflicts with a fellow practitioner recently. I sincerely apologized to the practitioner once I found and eliminated my attachments.
There are four practitioners at our Fa-study group. I am in charge of our local material production site. Each practitioner makes donations to the site, and I allot some of my own money to the site, which is usually more than their donation. I always make sure that the income and the expenses are recorded correctly.
Last winter, two printers at the site needed to be fixed. I myself could not move the large one, so I asked the youngest practitioner, for help, who was reluctant to help. Her excuses were that her cultivation level was not as high as mine. Thus, she didn’t want to take the risk and get involved. Besides, a certain individual in the group had sold her out years ago, causing her arrest. Thus, she didn’t want to help.
I was sad. I am 50-some, and have done so much for the group—uploading the quitting list, making materials, ordering supplies, and delivering the materials to each of the practitioners, and so on. I have never asked for help. Now, I only asked for moving a printer, but was not helped. You don’t have to pay a penny! The selling out happened more than 10 years ago, and you have been always safe.
I walked home complaining, and asked Master for help. Finally I found another practitioner, who helped carry the printers. I was touched. I thanked Master and that practitioner.
I spent my own money, 2,300 yuan [roughly 300 U.S. Dollars], on fixing the printers, and didn’t mention it to anybody in the group, because I knew I produced materials for myself, not for others. Maybe I made an oath to Master in heaven that my role today is making materials. “When it’s difficult to endure, you can endure it. When it’s impossible to do, you can do it.” (Zhuan Falun)
I will do whatever I'm asked to do, no matter how difficult it is. I will never give up. Although that practitioner didn’t help me, I improved, and I should thank her. So, I didn’t bring up the issue in the group.
However, the story didn’t end there. To avoid the police’s harassment, another practitioner went to hide in a different town. The other practitioner blamed me for not caring for the practitioner. I replied that I helped to send forth righteous thoughts, also I was busy ordering supplies for a new batch of materials. However, this practitioner was unhappy and asked if I spent all the money they donated. I told her yes.
I was deeply bothered by this practitioner's attitude: listen to you, as if I spent your money on food for myself. You guys all together donated 1,500 yuan, yet I spent more than 4,000 yuan of my own money. I have made donations of tens of thousands of yuan, yet you still question me.
Later I told myself that I should make it clear how the money was spent, because I need to be responsible to fellow practitioners. I told them before, but she perhaps forgot. So I made a detailed list and showed it to that practitioner at the group Fa-study, telling her that every penny was spent on saving people.
Shockingly, this practitioner freaked out and yelled at me, “I don’t want to look at it. If your xinxing is good, there won’t be any money issues.” I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. “I am showing you this because you asked me last time. Why is it my fault again?”
I could not calm down to read the Fa that day, thinking, “I have been busy for so many years. I thought we had a pre-destined relationship to collaborate as the Fa-rectification approaches its end. Wouldn’t it be great if we help each other and strove forward in cultivation together? Why you always criticize me?”
“For so many years, I have done so much for the group, ordering books, making video CDs, downloading materials, carrying supplies, and so on. The contact person for our area asked me to take charge of making materials for this group--that is why I came to this group. My previous group had a much better environment.”
For a few days, I was not able to calmly study the Fa, do the exercises, or send forth righteous thoughts. I was badly interfered with. I was filled with complaints, resentment, and hatred. I was confused and had a lot of human notions. I tried to talk to one of the local practitioners, who reminded me to look within.
I forced myself to study the Fa calmly. But I couldn’t concentrate, so I decided to write down the Fa. I forced myself to sit down, resisting the bad thoughts. If I made a mistake, I would start over, again and again. I spent three hours on writing the table of contents. I tried to absorb every single word.
During breaks, I recited the Fa:
As a cultivator One always looks for one’s own faults ‘Tis the Way to get rid of attachments most effectivelyThere’s no way to skip ordeals, big or small [During a conflict, if you can remember:] “He’s right, And I’m wrong,” What’s to dispute?” (Hong Yin, III)
I kept reciting over and over again, and looked for my own faults. I didn’t know what my faults were, but I imprinted this poem in my mind. I tried to follow the Fa, which I knew can help me find my faults. I asked Master for help when sending forth righteous thoughts. I tried to reject all the rotten stuff in the other dimension, which were not myself.
A few days later, the issues cluttering my heart were dissolved by the Fa. My heart was full of guilty feelings: Master, I was wrong; I was really wrong. One should cultivate oneself, but why do I always look at others? Why do I always look for others’ shortcomings? I looked down on others, and didn’t know when I hurt fellow practitioners. If others mistreated me, I always kept it in mind. Why did I do that? Did I want revenge?
Once, I encountered some troubles. I asked the problematic practitioner what kind of attachments I should get rid of. She said in a mocking tone, “Who knows what is going on with you?” A while later, she asked me similar questions. I replied right away: “Who knows what is going on with you?” I was shocked by myself after saying that. Did I feel happy about her troubles? Did I want revenge?
I reflected on my thoughts. It was a pursuit of reward that I kept thinking about how much I had done for the group. It was an attachment to money and showing off when I thought about how much of my own money I'd spent on the material site. It was my competitive mentality and resentment when I calculated how many times I was rejected when asking for help. When I compared this group to my previous group, I was actually pursuing qing and friendship.
In my previous group, practitioners treated me nicely and thanked me. I enjoyed the closeness and didn’t like negative opinions. Coming to this group offered me a chance to get rid of these attachments.
It is admirable that these fellow practitioners, who are not in a good financial situation, donated money. That is their mighty virtue.
Master said,
Massive, powerful figures, they gathered for the Great CurrentAssuming different social statuses, and different occupationsDafa disciples are one bodyFollowing Master in Fa-rectification, working against sinister tides.” (Hong Yin, III)
What Master wants is Dafa practitioners to form one body, from the local area to the global scale, and do what each can do to eliminate the evil. Only in this way we can fulfill our tasks, help Master and save beings. I said to myself: “You thought you have donated more money than others, but maybe it is because you made more debts in your previous lives, or because you made such an oath before. Maybe you haven’t even donated enough. Why don’t you compare yourself against those overseas who have donated millions of U.S. Dollars?”
Why did that practitioner say that her level was not as high as mine? My strong showing off mentality brought her pressure, instead of encouragement. She has also done a lot for the group. How could I think bad of her only because she didn’t help me? She didn’t help me to carry the printer, either because I had some attachments, or we didn’t have such a karmic relationship of carrying the printer together, so it was not her responsibility to do it for me. When thinking of that, I smiled.
I felt better in my heart, and the physical pains in my ribs eased up. I kept looking within. I am the only practitioner at home. I had very little spiritual sharing with my family, so I felt lonely. I felt warm at the Fa-study group, and treat fellow practitioners as family. Without knowing, I developed attachments to fellow practitioners and relied on them on many issues. I like hanging out with them, and helping them when they need it for validating the Fa or personal cultivation.
There were lots of human notions and attachments in my helping and warm heart. Some fellow practitioners began to rely on me. When something happened, they waited for my help. Although I myself was busy studying the Fa or Dafa projects, I felt that I could not say no to them. I had tremendous pressure, so I could not calm down to study the Fa or do the exercises. Sometimes I went for several days without studying the Fa or doing the exercises—all my thoughts were on how to help fellow practitioners.
I treated doing Dafa projects as cultivation. My mind was not clear or rational. I did Dafa projects with strong human notions. I was always busy and exhausted. Gradually, my cultivation state was influenced, and my xinxing level dropped. I was eager to rectify myself. This strong pursuit made me look outward and complain about fellow practitioners.
Once a practitioner from another group said to me: “Can you take charge of our group material-making? I want to have more time for studying the Fa.” I was upset—don’t I want time to study the Fa? Why do you ask me to do it? I complained, criticized, and developed a jealous and fighting mentality, which caused barriers between me and fellow practitioners. Without being corrected by the Fa, it worsened. The problems actually had the roots in me, not in others.
The more I looked inward the more I felt shame on myself. After so many years of cultivation, I still had so many human notions and attachments. I betrayed Master’s salvation, yet I used to feel good about myself. I must apologize to my fellow practitioner. At that moment, the false self showed up again: I, someone with a college education, apologize to a person without an education? I woke up right away and eliminated the false self. The attachments to face and honor, the false self, the indoctrination – you all must die!
That day I went to the practitioner's place with a package of material. I apologized to her and admitted my mistakes. I sincerely shared my thoughts with her and told her I would rectify myself with the Fa. At that moment, I felt that I was like a genuine cultivator.
I knew two practitioners, mother and daughter, who were in charge of making materials. The workload was very heavy, and they needed to work from lunch to 2 a.m. I found out how busy they were and decided to help them.
I work with them once a week, and five hours each time. One box of materials weighs dozens of pounds. I have to carry the boxes from the fifth floor to the ground floor in a building with no elevator. A fellow practitioner praised me. I said in my heart: I have no choice. The mother is over 70 and the daughter is skinny. It is my responsibility to do the heavy lifting. Every time I worked there I got sore arms. I worked there for a few years and didn’t give up.
Two years ago, I moved the material site to a quiet and safe place. It is a small room with no heat or air conditioning. It is hot and humid in the summer and cold in the winter. When the machines are running, I study the Fa. To reduce the times I go in and out and possibly expose myself, I drink little water so that I don’t need to go to the bathroom. Each time the machines run for four hours, so I need to stay inside for that long. It is hard, but due to Master’s protection, the site has run smoothly and safely. One miracle is that there are lots of mosquito outside in the summer, but none inside. I would get bitten by mosquitoes at home, but never at that place.
During the pandemic, the demand for materials declined, so I had some free time. I took this chance to correct the words in dozens of Dafa books that used to belong to a practitioner who passed away. I listened to Master’s lectures as I worked. There were thousands of words that needed to be corrected. I scratched them off with a blade and then copied down the correct ones. It was the Chinese New Year. My family was in a different town. I was busy doing that for two weeks, so I didn’t feel lonely.
After correcting the words, the shutdown was over, and we were able to pass out materials again. Recently, a fellow practitioner needed Dafa books, so I let her take the ones that I worked on. My effort was not in vain.
Recently I found my body got stronger, not like the skinny girl I used to be. I recalled the past. I was in the upper class when I was an everyday person. I dressed in style and had my own driver and a secretary to carry my purse for me. I did my work in an air-conditioned room, drinking tea. I never did heavy labor.
During cultivation, I have been responsible for delivering materials, carrying heavy things by myself. I have experienced a lot of hardships. When I felt sorry for myself, I thought of the story of a fellow practitioner who works at a construction site and has to carry bags of sand and cement. Compared to her, my hardships are minimal. Through facing bitterness I can pay off my karma. Everyday people don’t have such chances, even if they want to have hardships. Thinking of this, I smiled. From the bottom of my heart, I felt happy.
In the last 20 years, many practitioners have been cultivating like this, day after day. Reading and writing down the Fa, making materials, and passing out fliers, I've done my best to save people. Following Master and relying on the Fa, I have walked on this path to this day. I really appreciate and feel honored to be a disciple of Master’s.
I hope that people who are lost in the human world can see Master’s compassion and salvation. I hope they understand that practitioners are enduring hardship for them. The time is short. I hope they can learn the truth, and have a bright future.