(Minghui.org) Last winter, Yan, who had cultivated Falun Dafa with me for more than 20 years, passed away. Months passed, but I didn’t want to talk about why it happened. But after reading the recent article “Recognizing My Attachment to Hearing Lectures that Disrupt the Fa,” I thought about Yan and me and realized the seriousness of the problem.

I must really reflect on myself from the bottom of my heart and completely eliminate the Fa-disrupting factors that have been instilled in my mind. I should learn from Yan’s death, expose why it happened, face it in an upright way, and break through the tribulations arranged by the old forces.

Yan and I were very close. In over 20 years of cultivation, we spent time together almost every day, and we experienced and overcame many tribulations. I blame myself for the fact that she couldn’t overcome the sickness karma.

In the past few years, she was sleepy when studying the Fa, sending righteous thoughts, and doing the exercises, and I also had that problem. In other people’s eyes, we were doing the three things diligently. But we knew each other’s incorrect state and were worried. We just didn’t know what the problem was, and we seemed unable to rectify the problems.

In fact, we didn’t know how to improve our character and often used human thinking to assess things instead of applying the Fa principles. We couldn’t pass the big or small cultivation tests well. As a result, the troubles kept coming and we couldn’t figure out what to do. Eventually, the desire to seek outside help allowed those who disrupt the Fa to take advantage of our loopholes. We followed other people instead of the Fa and took the path arranged by the old forces.

After reading Master’s recent scriptures on the Fa-disrupting speeches and the articles on the Minghui website about the subject—and the constant reminders from fellow practitioners—I was shocked and horrified. If I didn’t wake up and expose the hidden and harmful nature of those who were undermining the Fa and clear my mind of the toxins they had instilled in me, how could I eliminate that sinful karma?

In the summer of 2013, some local practitioners were influenced by a person from outside and attended talks that were supposedly aimed at improving cultivation. At that time, due to a lack of Fa study, I could not distinguish the true from the false. I listened to a so-called sharing at the home of Yan’s son and found it quite touching. Days later, our local coordinator called some of us to discuss the matter. Practitioners all agreed that this so-called sharing should be stopped because it was mainly self-aggrandizement disguised as sharing, but Yan and I did not really wake up at that time and continued to attend.

In a few years, because of the local coordinator’s tireless efforts to point out the harm and seriousness of the matter, Yan and I stopped associating with those who held those talks to disrupt the Fa. But that was only superficial; we didn’t really dig deep inside to find the root of our attachment. Later, when Yan appeared to have sickness karma, those who disrupted the Fa returned.

On the surface, those people were studying the Fa, sending righteous thoughts, and doing good for others. In reality, they were going to extremes, thought they had cultivated to a high level, and added their own things to Fa study. As a result, after a few days of fussing at Yan’s house, Yan passed away after expressing her regret for not cultivating better. Because of my emotional tie to Yan as a fellow practitioner, I continued to participate in the group study, even though I knew it was not in accordance with the Fa. But I struggled with my predicament. Wasn’t I also contributing to their conduct by giving them an audience? I not only harmed myself but also condoned those who were disrupting the Fa.

I knew that disrupting the Fa was a great sin. If I didn’t admit my mistakes and sins openly, if I didn’t dare face them and still hid for fear of losing face, how could I free myself of this sin?

After the police arrested me in early 2013 and I left the detention center on bail, I was not in good health. I wasn’t able to look deeply within to find my attachments. My Fa study was only a formality. I was busy with my grandchildren and doing housework and I couldn’t maintain my xinxing during my son’s divorce. More incorrect physical issues appeared, which forced me to look inward. I found a lot of attachments, including selfishness, fear, suspicion, strife, jealousy, resentment, seeking comfort and reward, taking shortcuts, and not cultivating speech, among others.

My tribulations over the past ten years boiled down to the fact that I didn’t study the Fa seriously and truly absorb it. I thus didn’t have a clear understanding of the Fa principles. I was not rational and didn’t know how to cultivate. Lacking solid cultivation and a strong main consciousness, I was stirred by emotions and controlled by my false self, so that, in the end, I was exploited by people who disrupted the Fa, which I now deeply regret.

Master told us:

“As your Master, I have never kept account of the wrong things you have done in your cultivation; I remember only the good things you have done and your accomplishments. Dafa disciples have made it through during cultivation and unparalleled evil persecution, so they are deeply aware of the hardships in cultivation, and they won’t fail to understand the students who have gone down the wrong path. So I am telling you one more time here: all students who have made these kinds of mistakes [spying], starting now it’s best that you publicly state that you are getting rid of that filthy burden and returning to Dafa.” (“Pass the Deadly Test,” The Essentials of Diligent Progress III)

“I hope that the students who have gone down the wrong path won’t keep making mistakes. This may be the last time Master teaches the Fa to students like these. Seize your opportunity. Countless gods are watching you, and Dafa disciples and I are looking forward to your return.” (“Pass the Deadly Test,” The Essentials of Diligent Progress III)

After learning this part of the Fa, I really felt ashamed of myself. I want to completely eliminate all the factors and residual poisons in my mind and body that do not conform to Dafa, purify and rectify myself, study the Fa, and walk my future path well.