(Minghui.org) Greetings Master, and fellow practitioners!
I have cultivated in Falun Dafa for many years, but my understanding of the practice has been relatively shallow. I used to do better when living in Sweden. I attended many truth-clarification activities, as well as group exercises. My situation changed a lot after moving to Zurich, Switzerland. I was no longer so diligent, and I could not concentrate when studying Dafa teachings. I did it as if I was finishing a task. This was especially the case when I joined a group study. I also had difficulty remaining clear and focused when sending forth righteous thoughts. It is true that I like to help others and attend various events that validate Dafa. But it could be that I like to stay with fellow practitioners instead of having the appropriate understanding and motivation to do so. Therefore, my kindness of helping save people was also weakened.
Remembering the past I found that I often did things to fulfill others’ expectations, or there was an urgency of time. I did the exercises also because I wanted to improve health. If there was no external “pressure,” such as worries about my reputation or health, I would be passive.
I tried to identify the root cause of my behavior. I found my true self, and my understanding of life as well as suffering were blocked by the superficial materialism and atheism. Therefore, I did not believe in higher level beings, nor did I know that there were deeper meanings behind what I was doing and the challenges I was facing. As a result, I remained passive. It was as if I was trying to avoid issues in myself.
In other words, I did not feel the purpose of life, understand the meaning of all this existence, or know if the divine really existed. I learned these from religious texts or movies, but they appeared to be more like fairy tales. I lacked a deeper understanding of the divinity, and life after death. Had I understood these issues a little deeper, I would probably be more strongly motivated.
I used to be encouraged by good behavior on the surface. Without guidance from a being from a higher level, my life was superficial since I relied on others to define what was “good,” ranging from my family, my friends, and people in society. The suffering and illnesses I had in the past were considered misfortune or bad luck. I was told it was not my fault and I was not responsible.
As a child, I was often afraid of my father’s anger and harsh remarks. This developed into a fear of making mistakes. When my father was no longer around me I found that I wanted to be accepted. So I began to rely on others to feel the joy of being valued. Over time I abandoned my true thoughts, and even myself.
Such fear and unreasonable anger became an illusion, making me feel insignificant. To cover up such low self-esteem, I tended to leverage against things in society or issues valued by others. I also believed that I must bring joy to others, which can be achieved only when I am good enough. So I tried hard to improve myself and make others happy. In fact, I was afraid of anger or other negative feelings from others. I subconsciously believed that I did not have to face them.
I mainly tried to gain acknowledgment through sports, talents, and good manners. I was taught in school that learning would lead to a better grade, becoming more competitive in society, and things to show off. Behind that I was afraid I might not be good enough, or that someone may turn me down. This led to my jealousy toward those who are better or more popular. In the end, the low self-esteem, fear for making mistakes, and relying on others to feel good made my tired. I became more introverted, with no sense of safety, no happiness, and no trust.
Master said:
“It is because jealousy manifests very strongly in China. It is so strong that it has become natural and people do not even notice it.” (Lecture Seven, Zhuan Falun)
When beginning to practice, I spent a long time understanding how deep these notions were, how they influenced my thoughts and behavior, and how they blocked me from realizing my mistakes and from facing those subconscious emotions. They controlled my true self. I now know that jealousy stopped me from understanding my own value, and isolated me from my divine side.
For me, communism destroyed our own values, our positive attitude in life, and our faith in the divine. What could be more harmful than them? Not only that, they could also bring resentment, pain, anger, and other emotions.
Now I feel sad for those who live in illusion, and am fortunate to have come across Master Li. As Falun Dafa practitioners, we cannot give up, and we must stay firm in our mission. Master has revealed the truth of life to us for us to help save more people.
I began to pay more attention to studying Dafa teachings recently. When studying in a group, I often have some kind of pursuit, for example, not making mistakes and obtaining deeper understandings. I now know that behind thought is fear. Due to fear for making mistakes, I was unable to remain calm and gain better understandings. That is, I just looked at the text without understanding it.
Only when reading on my own, could I do better, but I often dozed off. When finally realizing these attachments, I was able to focus more and notice how Dafa guided me when reading.
I have come to understand that without righteous thoughts, reading itself will not help me, and it could even make me fall behind. When reading while holding such subconscious fear, I made slow progress, as if holding an attachment while trying to eliminate it. I acted as if I was just like a monk who sat in a cave in the past.
Master said:
“This is especially true with Fa-study: you really need to study the Fa with utter seriousness.” (“Dafa Disciples Must Study the Fa,” Collected Teachings Given Around the World, Volume XI)
My understanding is that Master told us to be immersed in Dafa. Only when we cultivate genuinely with respect and righteous thoughts can Dafa be revealed to us, and can we return to the origin.
My daughter’s right big toe had an infection about six months ago, making her unable to do gymnastics at school and learn classical dance. We treated it with a foot bath and herbs. Several days later, her toe was better, and she could again dance and play normally.
Why did I encounter this as a practitioner? In my view, my daughter’s emotion was unstable, and she sometimes felt that we did not support her enough to help her become independent. Of course, the inflammation could also be karma, and she tried to find inner strength and connection with the divine. But on the surface, she lacked caring from her parents.
My wife is a nurse, and sometimes she is very tired after work, and for a while, she experienced severe hip pain. I am also working, so neither of us took care of our daughter. Instead, we often left her to listen to audio books of fairy tales.
From time to time, my daughter refused to listen to what I told her, and my advice was rejected. This could be related to my fear of criticism since I hoped to be respected and paid attention to. But for a Falun Dafa practitioner criticism is good, since it can help us look within and find our own problems. Due to these problems of my daughter, I became more modest and more willing to hear criticism from others. This also exposed my attachment of hoping to be acknowledged by others.
My connection with the divine had been cut off since I was a child. But as a practitioner, by letting go of the fear of criticism, I regained confidence and connection with the divine. By doing so, I also accumulated de [virtue] and eliminated karma. I could feel pain because I was still attached to the fear before it was removed.
I have to admit that my daughter is sometimes lost. Right now, school is an important part of a child’s life. Influenced by peers and school teachings, she developed a competitive mentality to see who is better. Girls always want to be pretty and own something good-looking, which can easily trigger jealousy. To solve this problem, we often read Dafa teachings with her.
It’s hard to tell how much my daughter understands these issues. But one day after returning home she said that she truly understood it, as the children in her school had both good sides and bad sides. I was happy to hear that. When she ran into conflicts, my wife and I helped her calm down, and checked if there were any attachments. We also reminded her about the conversion between de and karma, and how her various actions would lead to different results. We also allowed her to watch classic movies about traditional culture, ballet, and traditional values.
Through studying Teachings at the Conference in Switzerland, I learned that what was taught in school is essentially a religion. It is a religion of science and it is deeply hidden. The evil is trying to undermine humanity and our faith in the divine in this way.
When I first began to practice Dafa, I felt I was being pushed forward and I had a strong, firm belief in Dafa. As time continued, this faith diminished since I did not know how deeply scientific notions are buried in my mind. It was just like what Master mentioned in Dafa lectures, that science only allows us to believe what we see, while cultivation needs one to believe before seeing. Because I did not study Dafa teachings with righteous thoughts, it took me many years to regain firm belief in Dafa.
Master said:
“Being the soul of all matter, human beings are most precious.” (Lecture Three, Zhuan Falun)
That means only human beings could cultivate and connect with the divine, and this is compassion from the divine.
What should be the ideal situation of doing exercises? For a long time, I did exercises to improve health. This was because deep in my mind I was afraid of sickness, pain, and death. Plus, I was attached to my physical body.
I always knew that no one wanted to be sick. But now I know that behind this notion are attachments, and behind each attachment is fear of pain. Such fear is not my true self, and it is related to the attachment. When I knowledged it and believed it, my body would be out of balance. After some time, illness symptoms may arise because my body follows me and such thoughts.
Master said:
“Qigong is cultivation practice” (Lecture One, Zhuan Falun)
It took me a long time to understand that cultivation focuses on improving the mind rather than healing the body. I should therefore remain calm with no pursuit or attachment.
Realizing the attachment behind illness, I no longer felt fear. Instead, I consider it part of repaying karma and walking towards the divine. In fact, having illness symptoms is not necessarily a bad thing and it could be a hint from Master. By truly understanding this, I was able to let go of fear and improve my xinxing. Dafa arranged these opportunities for me to recognize and eliminate attachments.
Due to karma in my throat, I often found myself unable to relax those muscles, and occasionally it felt as if I had stopped breathing. It existed in my throat probably because I was fearful of sharing my thoughts, harming others, losing face, or saying silly things. I also believe that when I was fearful my body would have some symptoms such as difficulty breathing. It would continue until I found the fear and eliminate it.
Things were better when I was able to recognize it being part of my cultivation. I was then able to relax and breathe normally. Recognizing my attachments and mistakes also helps me build empathy towards others. Knowing that all of us make mistakes, I no longer judge others. Instead I treat others calmly and understand their difficulties.
What is the status of a genuine practitioner? In the recent article of “A Wake-Up Call,” Master mentioned “Compassion is expressed in this world through love and kindness...”
I think this is our natural state, and a reflection of our true selves.
Master also said:
“In fact, other than a person’s innate purity and innocence, all notions are acquired postnatally and are not a person’s actual self.” (“For Whom do You Exist?” Essentials for Further Advancement)
My understanding is that such innate purity and innocence is inherent. But we lost its connection since childhood due to modern values and moral decay.
When working at home, I have more time to be with my daughter. I noticed that her innate purity and innocence was often lost when she went out with friends or went to school. I try my best to protect her, and of course the best way is finding it ourselves.
As a father, I love my child. It is pure, caring, and unconditional. Due to my attachments and human notions, I found it often got mixed up with human mentality.
When beginning to practice Dafa many years ago, I had a misunderstanding, thinking that we need to abandon love of our family. That was a misunderstanding of Dafa’s principles. In fact, I should extend this unconditional love of a parent to everyone. Master has told us to love our enemies. I should learn to pass the love to everyone.
Master’s teachings have helped me understand the correct relationship with my daughter, and also allowed me to be kind to others. I often thought that if I did better, my daughter would be nice to me. After a while I realized that I was actually afraid of annoying her or making her sad. I still have not let go of my fear of confronting other people’s feelings, and been unwilling to bear the consequences of getting angry. I usually realize this only when there is a conflict.
I should not think of cultivation practice only when encountering difficulties. This is like only practicing when I am under pressure. I should take the initiative to find my own attachments. When I encounter conflicts with others it should be like a stick warning.
I am glad that I can practice during this special period. I am also glad that Faun Dafa has allowed me to recognize many of my attachments. These attachments are often related to fear, and I have to let go of them. This is the only way I can move toward the divine, because there are no shortcuts in cultivation.
(Presented at the 2024 German-Speaking Switzerland Fa Conference)