(Minghui.org) After years of cultivation, I thought I’d let go of my attachment to emotion. Familial affection is the hardest one to eliminate, but I thought I was quite detached from it.

When my father passed away, I knew death was an inevitable part of the life cycle, so I wasn’t too sad. I did feel somewhat regretful that I didn’t cultivate well and I failed to guide him to practice Falun Dafa. Other than that, I didn’t think much of it, and I considered myself fairly good at letting go of emotional attachments.

Six months after my father’s passing, my husband, a practitioner, passed away due to illness karma. I was so overcome with grief that I felt paralyzed. I cried every day, couldn’t concentrate when I studied the Fa, and barely slept. I spent a lot of time on my mobile phone to ease my pain and longing.

I didn’t want to go out, for his shadow followed me everywhere—by the creek and in the woods where we studied the Fa together, under the moonlight while distributing Dafa materials, and on the streets and alleys where he took me on his motorcycle or in his car to clarify the truth about the persecution to people.

It all seemed like yesterday. Now I walk the streets alone, where every car belongs to someone else, and none of the drivers is my husband. My eyes get teary when I think about it.

I stayed home and avoided going out during the mourning period. I often thought about the times we studied the Fa, did the exercises, and clarified the truth together. Because of him, our home became a Dafa truth-clarification materials production site, and after he died the site is now gone. This breaks my heart and pains me.

I knew my cultivation state was not right, because a cultivator shouldn’t let emotion control him or her. I tried sending forth righteous thoughts, I studied the Fa, and did the exercises to rectify myself, but the results were minimal. After much soul-searching, I looked for attachments that I hadn’t eliminated. I found dependency, fear of trouble, resentment, and some other attachments. I still had the opportunity to improve myself, but my husband was already gone.

I decided to memorize Zhuan Falun once more. As I was studying, I came across this paragraph one day. Master said,

“Cultivation must take place through tribulations so as to test whether you can part with and care less about different kinds of human qing and desires. If you are attached to these things, you will not succeed in cultivation.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)

I felt ashamed that after so many years of cultivation, I still hadn’t let go of emotional attachments, and they remained difficult to relinquish. Why was it so hard to let go?

I’ve asked myself, “My husband endured nearly a decade of persecution in prison and was not ‘transformed’ by the guards. He firmly believed in Dafa. I thought it was admirable. Why did he die from sickness karma when the environment got better? What was the reason? As a practitioner and his wife, was I not responsible?”

I agonized over these questions but found no clear answer, and my heart was torn! I hadn’t cultivated well and couldn’t help my husband at my level understanding of the Fa principles. This thought brought me a great deal of pain.

By the time I’d memorized most of Zhuan Falun, I eliminated many attachments. My impatience diminished greatly, my main consciousness grew stronger, my endurance improved, and my cravings for certain foods went away. When conflicts arose among practitioners, I was able to look at them based on the Fa principles instead of focusing on the superficial right or wrong. Memorizing the Fa was truly beneficial.

I realized one day that the root of my longing and pain was selfishness! Because of my husband’s passing, I had no one to study the Fa or do the exercises with, I had no one to accompany me to clarify the truth, and I had no one to share my life with anymore.

I had grown accustomed to a life of doing things with another person. It was all about “me, me, me!” I was suffering because no one could accompany me, I felt lonely, and that was why I had so much sorrow!

What a strong sense of selfishness! I only cared about my own feelings! Missing someone and being selfish were certainly connected. Why didn’t I think of it before? I was thankful for Master’s enlightenment and I wanted to eliminate this selfishness!

Through studying and memorizing the Fa, I’ve gained different understandings of the Fa at different levels. I no longer have much feelings toward those whom I once disliked. I don’t disapprove of practitioners who hold differing opinions or talk incessantly. I no longer grumble or mutter. I listen and wait for the practitioner to finish speaking, then calmly share my views. When my sharing is not well received by fellow practitioners, I go home, send righteous thoughts for them, and ask Master to strengthen their righteous thoughts.

When it comes to things such as food and drink, who is good or bad, and who cultivates well or poorly, these are now insignificant to me and don’t cause ripples in my heart. I only want to do the three things well, and I’m grateful to Master for his protection and enlightenment.

When I deepened my understanding of why I came to this earth at this time and realized how much time I wasted, the pain and regret in my heart were beyond words! Fellow practitioners, take me as a cautionary example and quickly let go of all attachments.

Awakening people should come first. I want to do the three things well and fulfill my prehistoric vows, utilize the time Master has extended through his immense sacrifice, and live up to Master’s compassionate deliverance!

This is my current and limited understanding. Please kindly point it out if anything I’ve said is not in line with the Fa.

Heshi