(Minghui.org) I was fortunate to begin practicing cultivation at a young age, when I was still a child. I used to be a young Falun Dafa practitioner. When thinking about this title I feel warm inside, and honored. At that time, I could read Zhuan Falun, the main text of Falun Dafa, by myself. I also went with my parents to the practice site to do the exercises and read Zhuan Falun. I understood that I needed to be a good person, speak the truth, and be tolerant of others.
The persecution started in 1999, and I gradually walked away from Dafa and fell behind in Master’s Fa-rectification process. However, Dafa was deeply imprinted in my heart. I knew that Dafa was good, and understood that a good person follows the principles of “Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance.”
When studying at the university I occasionally read Master’s new lectures, but I didn’t continue on my cultivation path. I wondered what constituted being a good person, as compared to those around me, I still considered myself rather decent. But, I didn’t assimilate to the Fa, nor did I hold myself up to higher standards, or experience the beauty brought about by cultivating in Dafa. When I heard others talking bad about Dafa, I lacked the courage to clarify the facts. Now, remembering the past, I feel ashamed.
After I got married, my husband always spoiled me and gave in to me. This gave me confidence, which led to arrogance and dominance. I’d get angry immediately if I didn’t agree, and I’d have to get him to agree with me, or he would coax me into submitting. I was stubborn and unwilling to compromise, insisting on my own way with everything at home, big or small. I rarely bowed my head or even said sorry to him, since I never believed I was wrong.
Over the years, instead of appreciating his courtesy and generosity, I became even more domineering and self-centered. I began to assert myself more and more towards my friends and family, using harsh words. I made ever-increasing demands of my husband, and I constantly blamed him if he didn’t meet them. This strained my relationships with the people around me. I blamed everyone else, believing they were treating me poorly and letting me down. During that time, I was constantly unhappy and unsatisfied. The turbulence in my family relationships later forced me to reflect on my past behavior, and I learned to back off. Yet this was a reluctant concession, and I felt it was only temporary.
The opportunity finally came when I returned to Falun Dafa cultivation. Thanks to Master’s saving grace, for not giving up on the young practitioner back then. I felt so happy after returning to cultivation.
I didn’t have a group cultivation environment. It was Master who led me to catch up with the Fa-rectification process step by step. I read most of Master’s new articles, and learned to send forth righteous thoughts. Through reading sharing articles from other practitioners I also learned to look inward. I’ve cultivated for nearly two years since then. Looking back on my behavior when I was younger, I feel ashamed. I feel fortunate to cultivate in Dafa. It is Dafa that has changed me bit by bit.
I didn’t know how to look inward in the beginning, no matter how much I tried. In my eyes, it all seemed to be other people’s fault. I tried to forbear, sometimes to the point where I couldn’t hold back my anger. After that, I went to do the sitting meditation. I later learned that when I was upset, I shouldn’t do the exercises. When I felt unbalanced in my heart again, I instead went to hand-copy Hong Yin and read Master’s new lectures. While dong that, my heart lightened. I am a practitioner, and needed to improve. How could I argue with a regular person? This was to help improve my xinxing. When thinking about that, I could let go of my anger and calm down. The fact that I could calm my mind without my husband coaxing me was absolutely impossible in the past. After my xinxing was tempered time after time, I expanded my mind little by little. Thus, my xinxing improved.
I have experienced multiple xinxing tests at home during the past two years, big and small. Thank you Master for your painstaking arrangements, so that I could gradually become mature.
My father’s car loan was over a year past due, and he couldn’t pay it off. Thus, the interest kept building up. I discussed with him about helping him pay off the loan first, then selling the car and paying us back with the proceeds. That way, he didn’t have to worry about the loan, and I could get my money back. After several discussions, he agreed.
The loan repayment process was fraught with anxiety and turmoil. Past events had left me distrusting my parents, and I worried that they might use the money elsewhere after selling the car.
After the loan was settled, I breathed a sigh of relief and was about to discuss selling the car, but my parents suddenly changed their minds, saying that they couldn’t get a good price, that no one wanted it, and so on.
I used to be intolerant, and if someone didn’t keep their promise, I’d get furious, feeling betrayed and humiliated. I couldn’t stand being deceived. If I hadn’t returned to cultivation I would have angrily asked him loudly why he wouldn’t do as we agreed. In this case, I would have found a way to sell the car, even if not for the money, just to vent my anger. The matter would not be over until the car was sold.
However, as a practitioner, one needs to improve one’s xinxing and have a great heart of forbearance. When learning that my father didn’t want to sell his car, I didn’t vent my anger, but had to endure it. I had no choice.
Master said:
“As gods see it, for a cultivator to be right or wrong in the human world is not important in the least, whereas eliminating the attachments that come from human thinking is important, and it is precisely your managing to eliminate those attachments rooted in your human thinking as you cultivate that counts as important. (Applause) If you can manage to handle things calmly no matter how wronged you may feel, if you can remain unmoved and not try to come up with some kind of excuse for yourself, then with many things you won’t even need to argue. That’s because on your path of cultivation there is nothing that is by chance. So, when you get into a heated exchange and it stirs things up in you, or you get into a conflict over something that concerns your vital interests, perhaps the factors behind it were put there by Master. Maybe you only get upset when it’s a case of someone saying something that really provokes you or hits a sore spot. And maybe the person really did treat you wrongfully. But, those words weren’t necessarily said by that person. Perhaps they were said by me. (Everyone laughs) I want to see how you handle things at the time. When you butt heads with that person, it actually equates to butting heads with me. (Master laughs) (Everyone laughs, applauds) That’s all for today. I can completely remove the material substance for you, but the habits that were formed are something you definitely have to remove—definitely, absolutely.” (“Fa Teaching Given in Manhattan,” Collected Teachings Given Around the World Volume X)
Comparing myself to what Master said, I didn’t handle the issue calmly. I felt it unfair, and cared about what was right or wrong on the surface. I wasn’t tolerant enough, and my behaviour was not on par with the requirements set by Master.
Looking inward, my motive for helping my father to pay off his car loan was not pure. My starting point for doing this was selfish. Because I worried that my father’s bad credit record from his overdue interest payments would affect me, so I wanted to get this matter straightened out as soon as possible. In order to reduce my own losses, I planned to let him sell the car, and ignored any inconveniences this might cause him later on. This idea was selfish. During the communication process I was also eager to persuade my parents to agree with me, which came down to my selfishness and attachment to self-interest. Sometimes my tone was a bit strong and coercive. I was always worried that my father would go back on his word and deceive me, and I was afraid that he would not sell the car after the loan was paid off. From this incident, I saw my selfishness, impatience, suspicion, and fear. They were all caused by the desire for self-interest. I also felt resentment when my own interests were undermined.
When I went to check on practitioners’ sharing articles, I saw that many of them treated their family debt issues selflessly. There were also some who were attached too much to sentimentality, so there were times when their lives became very difficult, since they gave their family members too much support, more than they should have. I saw the gap between myself and others, and it also made me confused as to how I should handle this matter.
In one’s cultivation, one can’t look at how others do and then copy it. Rather they need to treat the Fa as Master. I looked inward and thought deeply. My fundamental motivation was that I didn’t want to lose my savings, nor did I want to share my money with others. This was a deeply selfish and self-serving thought. I cunningly masked it with the excuse of fearing attachment to family, acting completely hypocritical. Even though giving away this money wouldn’t actually affect my life, my selfishness led me to focus solely on my own gains and losses, as opposed to thinking of others. And I even felt resentful about it.
Since I am a practitioner, nothing that I run into is accidental; they were all good things which were arranged by Master to help me improve. Wasn’t I viewing money as being more important than my cultivation improvement? Master asked us to be good people in society. Was I doing it? A selfish heart can not have compassion arise. I had therefore failed to meet Master’s requirements to be compassionate to everyone. Since my parents brought me up, my giving them something in return should come naturally.
I made up my mind to let my parents keep the money. My parents said I had changed for the better. My husband also noticed the changes in my words and deeds towards my parents, and he acknowledged Dafa more and more. With that, he learned to look inward and hold himself to the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance in his day-to-day life as well.
Master always used my husband to give me hints. My husband would prompt me to send forth righteous thoughts at the global set times, and he corrected me when I didn’t have my palm erect when sending righteous thoughts. When I felt lazy, he’d ask me if I had done the exercises. When I couldn’t hold my temper, he’d say, “I felt you’d fallen down for some reason.” When he learned that when one loses virtue, one has to repay karma by suffering hardship, he said, “Improve quickly, so you don’t have to suffer hardship.” Sometimes when I was too lazy to sit in the full lotus position, he’d point it out to me. My husband often helped me improve on my cultivation path. Thank you Master for this benevolent arrangement.
I once casually expressed my opinion on something, and he was a little unhappy, saying that everything I said was negative and full of weak points. I immediately thought about it and found that it was so true. When it came to things and people, I always looked at the negative aspects and their shortcomings first, whereas I overlooked the positive side and the good points. I also tended to remember the shortcomings and unhappy things about others. My mind would sometimes reflect a lot of negative things, and it was easy to let negative thoughts run wild. As a result, my mind would be disturbed and become unclear, then I’d follow the negative thoughts arranged by the old forces to think about things.
I often found myself criticizing my husband over petty details in life, with my tone tinged with accusation and complaint. I often told him to turn off the lights, keep his socks organized, and make his bed when he wakes up. I also tended to impose my own ideas on him, and disapproved of his ways. For example, I’d tell him how to set the dishes after washing them, how often he should clean the house, how to fold the clothes, and so on.
I was defending my own preferences. There were some small things I could look after for him later, but selfishly, I didn’t want to do it. Forcing my ideas on him is a sign of being self-centered, a belief that only my own understandings are correct. In my eagerness to express myself, my tone sometimes unconsciously became provocative, sounding unkind and insensitive of others’ feelings. Master asked us to be compassionate when dealing with others. My heart was not big enough. I couldn’t tolerate any differences. Instead, I looked outward, and blamed and complained about others. How could I have compassion come forth?
There are no petty things in one’s cultivation. One has to use Dafa to measure one’s every thought, word, and action. We should use our righteous thoughts to look at everything in our cultivation, and completely negate every arrangement and interfering element from the old forces.