(Minghui.org) I’m 68 years old, and I began practicing Falun Dafa in June 1997. Even though I’ve cultivated for 28 years, I discovered a deeply rooted attachment that I hadn’t previously noticed. With Master Li Hongzhi’s guidance, I discovered my strong resentment, and it surfaced when I wasn’t paying attention.
I considered myself a friendly extrovert with excellent communication skills; it’s not my nature to dislike others.
My right leg started to hurt last April. I thought perhaps I walked too much. However, after several months, not only did the pain not go away, it got worse. I realized it must be a loophole in my cultivation. When I looked inward, I found I had attachments to comfort, zealotry, showing off, and being self righteous. But they did not seem to be the root cause of my resentment, so I decided to ask Master for help.
While I got ready to go out and tell people about Falun Dafa the next morning, I had a clear thought: My resentment stemmed from my dislike of two elderly practitioners—this resentment was so strong that I actually hated them.
When I was young, I looked down on people who’s behavior, in my opinion, was unrefined. I tried my best to distance myself from them. If they were my family members, I tried to change them. The words I used were harsh and unkind.
After I began practicing Falun Dafa, I changed a bit, but whenever there was a conflict, I didn’t act like a cultivator. I later regretted my behavior. When similar situations happened, I made the same mistake again.
For more than 10 years, I’ve read the Fa and passed out Falun Dafa pamphlets with two elderly practitioners, Ms. Zhang (alias) and Ms. Wang (alias). Ms. Zhang is 72 years old and Ms. Wang is 78.
We coordinated well. Every day, we were able to speak to many people about the truth behind the persecution of Falun Dafa and help them quit the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and its affiliated organizations.
But I did not like how they were sometimes abrupt. I felt the words they chose gave people a negative impression of Dafa. They interrupted people when they were speaking, especially Ms. Wang, who talked endlessly. After I reminded her a few times, she got better. However, it was hard for me to communicate with them based on the teachings. So I began going out alone and I also formed a new Fa study group.
The new study group has five members, and three of them are 10 years younger than me. Ms. Liu (alias) and Ms. Li (alias) seem diligent, and they set high standards for themselves and others—especially when it comes to doing the three things. They were my role models. I was very happy to study the Fa with them because I enjoyed spending time with practitioners who are logical and diligent. I was grateful that Master made this arrangement to help me improve in my cultivation.
However, after some time passed, I could not endure Ms. Liu’s high expectations of me. We talked about the cultivation circumstances in our area: some elderly practitioners passed away or were suffering from severe sickness karma. Some also attracted spirit or animal possession or demonic interference. I said, “How many of us can live up to Master’s expectations? How many can succeed in our cultivation? Master is not optimistic!”
Ms. Liu disagreed, and said Master never said such things. She added that he said all the Falun Dafa practitioners who passed away reached consummation (enlightenment). She described a dream she had about her mother, who was also a practitioner, and said she admired her.
Even though I didn’t argue, I was filled with grudges: What I mentioned was from one of Master’s lectures. I couldn’t remember his exact words or which lecture it was. It was just my understanding. I felt the practitioners in our area were not doing well. I pointed out that much of what Ms. Liu said was not based on the Fa.
Even though she knew I disagreed, Ms. Liu continued talking. I finally couldn’t hold back. My words were like exploding bombs, filled with hostility: “Yes your intention is good, wanting to help other practitioners, but you have to be careful how you do it. You can’t just keep talking like this. Let’s say you’re right, But you have to allow them time to cultivate. If lecturing them can solve their problems, then there would be no need to cultivate. Master would have pointed these things out already. It’s good to help other practitioners by kindly pointing out their shortcomings—that’s all you need to do. It’s not right to attack them by lecturing them endlessly. No one can tolerate the way you speak out!”
It was quite awkward for Ms. Liu. She replied, “I won’t say anything to you, at least not for the next six months.”
It was already 8 p.m., time to send forth righteous thoughts. When I calmed down, I realized I was wrong again, and I did not pass another cultivation test.
After we sent righteous thoughts, I told Ms. Liu, “I was wrong. I have a strong CCP mentality, and I can’t stand being criticized. I get angry when someone corrects me. My words were unkind and harmful.”
When I did the exercises that night, I could not become tranquil. What happened earlier that day kept resurfacing. My mind was filled with how I was correct and how I should reason with Ms. Liu. Since I wasn’t able to do the exercises, I decided to search within and look for the root of my attachment.
Master must have seen that I wanted to improve and pointed it out: My resentment came from my attachment to being competitive. How strong this attachment was! After I found it, I worked hard to get rid of it by sending forth righteous thoughts. I also recited “Who’s Right, Who’s Wrong” from Hong Yin III. As I repeatedly recited the poem, I could feel my resentment weakening.
I realized Master was using other practitioners as a mirror so I could see my attachments. Wasn’t my disliking the two elderly practitioners an attachment to looking outward at others? With such strong resentment and competitiveness, how many cultivation opportunities did I miss that Master arranged for me? Am I a genuine cultivator?
At the next Fa study in group, I was prepared to apologize to Ms. Liu again. Before I spoke, she said she understood why we had an issue. She felt that most practitioners experienced issues because they were not genuinely cultivating themselves. She didn’t want me to repeat their mistakes.
I am thankful to Master for sending these two young practitioners to help me improve in my cultivation.
After I left the two elderly practitioners, Ms. Wang did not join a group study and seldom gave out pamphlets about Falun Dafa. Ms. Zhang studied the Fa with an 87 year old practitioner, but she did not go out much either.
My situation wasn’t much better. My printer was working fine, and then it suddenly had problems. After I left Ms. Wang and Ms. Zhang. I took many trips to the repair shop. Eventually, the printer wouldn’t even turn on. My leg hurt, and my head felt heavy.
After so many years of cultivation, my enlightenment quality was still so bad—I ran away from my cultivation environment and the opportunity to improve myself that Master arranged for me. I also caused damage to the mission of letting more people know about Falun Dafa.
I resumed reading the Fa with the two elderly practitioners. We all met at the 87-year-old practitioner’s home. I continue going to the other study group twice a week, and I study the Fa with the elderly practitioners once a week. I also have enough time to talk to people about the persecution of Falun Dafa.
The 87 year old practitioner reads slowly, but the three us listen patiently and corrected her mistakes when needed. Her hearing is bad, so I read slowly and loudly. We encourage each other to be diligent. We’ve resumed handing out pamphlets.
Resentment is the root of competitiveness, the two of them feed on each other. Those who harbor feelings of hatred are combative, and those who are hostile are filled with hate. Resentment can also be exploited by the old forces to interfere with cultivators.
There are too many examples of this, so practitioners should eliminate their resentment. Cultivation is about using the Fa principles to look inward and eliminate our attachments. We must elevate ourselves when we encounter conflicts and difficulties. That is true cultivation.
This is my understanding at my current cultivation level. Please kindly correct me if I’ve said anything inappropriate.