(Minghui.org) I’ve practiced Falun Dafa for more than twenty years. Looking back on my cultivation journey, I realized I viewed many tribulations with ordinary human thoughts and emotions. My xinxing did not improve much. I made Master worry about me.
After I calmed down and reflected on why I hadn’t done well over the years, I realized the main reason was that I didn’t study the Fa well. Not only did I seldom read the Fa, but I also wasn’t truly focused when I read. After I understood this, I began to study and memorize the teachings so I would be immersed in the Fa at all times. Then, when problems came up, I looked inward and removed many attachments that should not exist. My xinxing improved, and my cultivation environment also greatly improved.
I felt my husband had a very good character, so I married him. Our relationship was very good. Although there were occasional small conflicts, they did not affect our feelings for each other.
I often felt fortunate. It was not easy to find such a careful, considerate, and trustworthy husband these days. I developed mastitis, and later gastritis and bile reflux after my daughter was born. I suffered terribly. He took me everywhere for medical treatment and also endured my bad temper. Because I felt sick all the time, I couldn’t do anything, and I was unhappy, so I vented all my anger on him. He accommodated me in every way. He handled all the housework and constantly comforted me. If anything upset me, I threw a tantrum. Yet he was very patient and never got angry with me, no matter how I behaved.
After I began practicing Falun Dafa, somehow our roles suddenly changed. Besides working, I also had to do housework, take care of the child, and care for the elderly. He came home late every day, lay down on the bed, and looked at his phone. Only after I finished cooking and called out, “Dinner is ready,” would he come eat. After he ate he resumed looking at his phone. Sometimes he even criticized me. At first, I thought, “Perhaps I owed him in the past, and now I am paying him back.” Thinking this way, I let it pass.
But because work was very busy and I could not keep up with Fa study, I gradually failed to maintain my xinxing. I often forgot that I am a cultivator. I felt unbalanced inside, and I was quietly angry, but I said nothing. After holding it in for some time, I finally exploded and argued with him fiercely. Gradually, I developed deep resentment toward him. I focused only on his faults, and I even regretted marrying him.
My husband asked me to go with him to his office one afternoon during work hours. When we arrived, I was shocked by what I saw. A female coworker, Ling, from his department, used her shoulder to push his office door open. She didn’t say anything to me, even though we knew each other. After my husband unlocked the door, she followed him into the office. She walked to his desk, picked up a pen, signed her name on a form, and hurried out. The whole process was rushed and strange.
Ling’s behavior hurt me deeply. I thought, “Who does she think she is to my husband?” My husband was her supervisor. She should have knocked and waited for permission before entering his office. Using her shoulder to push the door open seemed so casual and rude. Once inside, she acted as if it were her office.
I simply could not accept her behavior, so I asked my husband, “Why is she so casual when coming to your office? Is she always like this?”
My husband replied, “I don’t know. Maybe she has family problems.”
His explanation did not calm me down; I went home angry. Many past scenes replayed in my mind. Ling had a bad reputation. I heard that her ex-husband remarried and that she broke up another family. She dressed fashionably and provocatively, and many people at work disliked her, but my husband often seemed to admire her. When my husband traveled to another city for work with another male colleague, he specifically brought her along. I often saw links to articles she sent him by text message and funny videos she sent him on WeChat. All of this made me resent my husband even more. Why did he always come home late? Why did he do nothing at home? Why did he always look down on me? I suddenly felt as though I had awakened from a dream, “So this is why,” I thought.
I felt emotionally shattered and deeply hurt. I felt wronged and even thought I should have slapped Ling. But I knew I was a cultivator and could not act that way. I talked with practitioner Feng when I wasn’t able to control my pain. Feng is an older practitioner who previously coordinated our Fa study group. She advised me to treat this matter with the mindset of a cultivator, study the Fa more, and look inward. She said I should treat this as a good thing to help me improve. Her words comforted and inspired me greatly. I realized nothing happens by chance. There must be attachments I needed to remove.
I forced myself to calm down and study the Fa, and I asked Master to help me. That night I had a vivid dream. I was sitting beside a large pit while my husband and Ling were inside helping me look for my shoes. The word “shoes” reminded me of the word “evil” in Chinese. I realized I must have evil things within me. I began looking inward unconditionally and found strong resentment, suspicion, jealousy, competitiveness, looking down on others, and wanting to control others. I also found I had a deep emotional attachment to my husband. I wanted him to pamper me and place me at the center of everything. After identifying these bad thoughts, I decided to work hard to eliminate them.
I increased the length of time I read and memorized the Fa and tried hard to stop thinking about those things. I knew those problems were brought about by my own bad thoughts. I devoted my time to doing the three things well. As I corrected myself according to the Fa, I felt everything changing. My relationship with my husband became more harmonious, and I realized he was not the way I had imagined. I also began to see he cared for me.
One day my husband went for a haircut, but after two hours, he still had not returned. “Why would a haircut take so long?” My suspicious thoughts began surfacing again: “Where did he go? Did he go see that woman?” I immediately became alert. “What am I thinking? This is a dirty, suspicious thought. I do not want it.” I stopped thinking negatively and let go of the resentment rising toward my husband. I told myself I wanted to be an enlightened being and no longer be moved by such things.
I thought about what to cook when it was time to prepare dinner. My husband liked corn porridge, so I cooked some for him. After it was done, he still had not returned. My heart started becoming unsettled again. I wanted to call him and ask where he was. I picked up the phone and then put it down. I thought, “I do not want this dirty, suspicious thought. I will trust that my husband is not doing anything wrong.”
After another half hour, he finally came home. He told me that after the haircut, he had gone to a shopping mall and bought a pair of shoes and two pig trotters. I said, “Perfect, our daughter is coming home, and she likes pig trotters.” But he replied, “If she wants some, I’ll buy more later. These are for you. Let’s have one for dinner.” I was touched. He usually bought food that he liked. I never expected that this time he would buy my favorite food.
I suddenly realized that I acted according to the Fa requirements that day and maintained my xinxing. My husband’s behavior was encouragement from Master. Thank you, Master!
My daughter was weak and sickly since childhood. She often caught colds, had fevers, and developed pneumonia. She frequently needed IV treatments, sometimes for more than twenty days. I started to practice Dafa when she was three years old. As I cultivated, my daughter’s health miraculously improved. I often took her with me to study the Fa, distribute truth-clarification materials, and post stickers that had information about Dafa.
As she got older, my daughter became busy with homework and exams and almost had no time to study the Fa, especially after she entered middle school. It felt like she became even more distant from Dafa after she entered college. When she came home during vacations, I urged her to study the Fa. Every day, we spent half an hour reading Zhuan Falun together. But I could tell her heart was not truly in it. She was only doing it to satisfy me.
Later, she became very attached to her phone and could not put it down. No matter how I reminded her, she didn’t stop. I often got angry with her and criticized her, but it was useless.
I again wanted to study the Fa with her last July, after she came home from college. But she said she had a headache. She lay in bed sleeping all day for several days because of her menstrual cycle. She suffered severe headaches and slept to ease the pain whenever she had her period. I felt very sorry for her. How had she become like this? Thinking about how she cultivated with me when she was little and enjoyed good health. I truly felt sorry for her. Now she was like an ordinary person.
I realized I bore responsibility for my daughter becoming this way. I found my attachment toward her. I always hoped she would be healthy and live a happy life, but that was an ordinary human emotion; everyone has their own destiny. How could I control hers? Every time she came home, I pushed her to study the Fa. Hidden behind this was my selfishness. I wanted her to receive Dafa’s protection through Fa study so she would have good health and a bright future.
What a selfish thought that was! I was using Dafa. I realized I must change my thinking. I should compassionately help her truly obtain the Fa, cultivate, and understand the meaning of life. I sent righteous thoughts to eliminate all evil factors interfering with her cultivation. At the same time, I tried to remove the Chinese Communist Party culture within myself. I no longer spoke to her in a commanding or forceful way. Instead, I talked with her peacefully and kindly, asking when it would be a good time for her to study the Fa and how long she wished to study. She happily replied, “Both noon and evening are fine.” We decided to study the Fa at noon and practice the exercises in the evening every day.
My daughter followed through on her words. She studied the Fa attentively and treated Dafa books with great respect. She also showed strong determination during evening exercises. She sat for an entire hour the first time she meditated, and I praised her. The exercise she feared most was the second one. We did it for thirty minutes, and she persisted. Although she was exhausted, sweating heavily, and grimacing, she endured it and seemed very happy afterward.
My daughter told me a few days later, “Mom, I think the exercises are working. My body feels very relaxed.” I replied, “Then let’s continue practicing!” She nodded happily.
She told me the menstrual pain that had troubled her for years was gone. She was very grateful to Master. She hoped she could continue cultivating even while she lived away from home.
Once again, I thank Master for never giving up on me, an unworthy and dull-witted practitioner! I can only strive to be more diligent to live up to Master’s compassion!