(Minghui.org) In 2019 when COVID spread from China across the globe and caused widespread panic, I believed humanity reached a dead end, and I longed to find a pure land.
In March 31, 2021, I had the great fortune to read Zhuan Falun. By the time I finished reading I knew this was the pure land I had been searching for, and I began practicing Falun Dafa.
I practiced the five sets of exercises every day, memorized “On Dafa” and Hong Yin and hand-copied Zhuan Falun. I felt a sense of inner peace and stability, and was filled with hope for the future. However, due to self-imposed isolation and the barriers created by acquired notions, I did not understand how to look inward, so my understanding of what it means to be a cultivator was superficial.
My attachment to personal gain and my desire to save face were triggered, and I argued and harbored resentment—I behaved just like an ordinary person. Afterward, I deeply regretted having completely strayed from Falun Dafa’s guiding principles of Truth, Compassion, and Forbearance, yet I felt powerless to change.
I set aside that sense of helplessness and continued to cultivate. Although I was determined I still clung to my false self. I failed to look inward and upgrade my xinxing, and I did not maintain a balance in my family relationships.
This increased my husband’s misunderstandings of me, and our marriage teetered on the brink of collapse. Aware of the tension in our marriage, my parents and younger brother traveled a long distance to visit me in late April 2024, and urged me to stop practicing. I responded like an ordinary person and I argued with them. Frustrated, I drove them away.
After my family left, I felt completely drained, like a deflated balloon. I felt that my cultivation was so poor that even if they were standing in front of me again I wouldn’t handle the situation with compassion. Clearly this was not the behavior of a cultivator.
I knew I was not meeting the standards of the Fa, yet I was trapped by my human nature and I felt depressed. I thought about how vehemently I argued with them, driven by the conviction that “freedom of belief is a constitutional right, and no one has the authority to alter a person’s thoughts or faith.”
Another underlying notion was that “my parents do not respect their children; they view a child merely as an appendage—someone to be molded at will, shaped into a circle or a square according to their will.”
The deeply ingrained communication pattern between my parents and me was one of suppression and resistance. As I reflected on this, the terms “notions” and “deeply ingrained” suddenly brought to mind a specific issue—my false self formed by acquired notions.
When I am dominated and controlled by this false self, instead of validating how good Falun Dafa is I’m trying to prove I’m right and I refuse to listen to others. This false self, constructed from acquired notions, is so powerful and dense that it buries and restrains my true self, and creates a barrier that separates me from Dafa—I feel helpless and powerless.
The human part that insists I’m not at fault, that I can’t meet the requirements of the Fa, and that I can’t cultivate well—that is simply the false self formed by postnatal notions. That is not the real me! When I finally realized this, I felt my depression vanish, and I regained my enthusiasm and confidence to cultivate.
Now that I’ve recognized this thick shell or false self formed by postnatal notions, I no longer acknowledge it and I eliminated it. This process of discerning true self has been incredibly important to me.
Master told us,
“Why do some people go a long time without being able to eliminate thought karma? It’s because they don’t try to distinguish which thoughts are their own. Why do we ask you to cultivate yourself? You should first of all eliminate bad thoughts through cultivation. The reason you can get rid of those bad things is that you don’t acknowledge them as you. That is extremely crucial. It is because you don’t acknowledge them as you that you can then eliminate them. The fact is, they really aren’t you. They are the various notions, or even karma, developed from the things you have done after birth—those things.”“Whatever a person wants is up to him, and only when you don’t want that stuff can it be eliminated for you.” (Teachings at the Conference in the Western U.S.)
I can now say that when I next meet with my parents and younger brother I’ll remain calm and remind myself not to let those acquired notions—the false self—drive me into a heated, reactive argument.
Compassionate Master once again enlightened me regarding my attachment to self. In November 2024, Minghui Radio published a series of 16 episodes featuring sharing articles from the 21st Mainland China Fa Conference.
An article titled “Teaching in a Remote Mountain Area,” recounted the experience of a practitioner who validated the Fa and resisted persecution while working as a teacher during the early stages of the persecution.
She was demoted from a top-tier school in the city to teach in a mountainous area more than 20 kilometers (about 12.5 miles) from her home, where she taught for several years.
By upholding the standards of Dafa, she helped the local mountain community have a positive understanding of Falun Dafa. For example, when muddy roads from rain or snow made it difficult for other teachers to return home for lunch, she prepared meals for them. Despite an environment where slanderous propaganda against Dafa was rampant, she explained the truth about Dafa to her students, and taught them the principles of proper conduct and how to treat others. Her story deeply moved me.
I majored in education in college and trained to become a teacher. I asked myself: If I were in this situation, could I validate the Fa like this practitioner? Could I cultivate diligently like she did? The answer was that I could not. Why not? I thought, “Attachment to self!” I felt Master was letting me know this because I had the sudden realization: “That’s right! That’s it! I have an attachment to self!”
I found an article on Minghui titled “My Understanding of the Attachment to ‘Self’”. I think the article offers a fairly comprehensive and profound analysis of this false self. Based on the author’s understanding, I believe that when we negate and reject acquired notions, when we take attachments lightly and eliminate them, and when we use steadfast righteous thoughts to dissolve karma—such as thought karma and sickness karma—we are effectively cultivating away that “self” and letting go of our attachment to it.
A fellow practitioner shared her understanding of rejecting and resisting karma. She put it this way: “When your notions tell you that you’re in pain or that you’re uncomfortable, just say, ‘It’s you who’s in pain! It’s you who’s uncomfortable!’ When it tells you that you are going to die, say, ‘It is you who is going to die!’”
I believe this kind of denial and rejection of karma can also be applied to eliminating various attachments and acquired notions—that is, by not going along with the illusion, but by rejecting, denying, and eliminating them.
Within the family setting, I see the danger of becoming attached to self, because family members are so familiar with one another, and emotional bonds run so deep. If we aren’t vigilant, we may tend to view things through the lens of emotion.
For instance, I might pour a cup of tea for my husband—knowing he enjoys tea—yet he rejects it and looks for another beverage instead. Or I might bring him a blanket, but he won’t use it.
At times like these, a sense of resentment and frustration arises: “I’m trying to be good to you, yet you won’t accept it—you can’t even distinguish between good and bad! If the righteous gods and Buddhas accept me, why won’t you?”
However, this was an arrogant thought born of not aligning myself with the Fa, and being attached to self. After I calmed down and viewed the situation from the Fa, I recalled Master’s teaching: “...considers others first when taking any action,...” (Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun).
Thinking about my husband’s situation, I realized that he was actually suffering. Because I didn’t behave like a cultivator when I began practicing he distanced himself from me.
Furthermore, there is the matter of karmic transformation: he is helping me eliminate karma and providing me with an opportunity to elevate my character. I should thank him—how could I possibly cling to my ego and harbor anger or resentment?
At the same time, I feel that the root cause of the attachment to self is selfishness and self-interest. Only by having a sincere and solid grasp of the Fa, and by strictly requiring myself to act in accordance with Dafa, can I truly engage in genuine cultivation, eliminate attachment to self, and attain the state described by Master: “you should consider others first, so as to attain the righteous Enlightenment of selflessness and altruism.” (“Non-Omission in Buddha Nature,” Essentials for Further Advancement)
This is my understanding at my level. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate.