(Minghui.org) I was born in the 2000s, and both my parents are veteran Falun Dafa practitioners who obtained the Fa before the persecution started in 1999. When I was little, I did not think my parents were any different from other people’s parents. However, as I grew older, I talked to people my age about family, interacted more with older generations who were non-practitioners, and learned more about various social phenomena. I gradually realized that practitioner parents differ from non-practitioner parents in many ways.
The phrase “other people’s kids” is commonly used by Chinese parents to encourage their own children to follow role models. A typical example would be for a parent to say, “Look at that family’s child, and then take a look at yourself!”
Parents in China habitually compare their children with other people’s children, and usually care deeply about things like grades and rankings. When I was in high school, a female classmate was spanked by her father because she did not achieve the desired score on an exam.
As for my parents, when they saw my exam results, the first thing they cared about was not the score. Instead they would ask me if I knew the reason for each question that I answered incorrectly, and whether it was due to carelessness or not gaining the right knowledge. If due to carelessness, then they told me to be more careful next time; if due to a knowledge gap, then they asked if I truly understood the answers after the teacher explained those questions.
In their eyes, a test was merely a tool to assess my knowledge, and not a standard to judge the excellence of a child or to boost a parent’s image. Their attitude toward my grades differed from the majority of Chinese parents. On the one hand, they were treating fame and gain lightly. On the other hand, according to their standard of excellence, children with qualities like kindness, honesty, and selflessness were truly good.
My parents were able to view my education in such a composed manner because they were clearly aware that people’s lives are preordained by the divine. Life is not a race or a marathon, but a play with a script, where everyone performs according to divine arrangements. Nowadays, most people want to obtain money, fame, and a better life through their efforts, but do not realize that these are blessings, which are obtained in exchange for de (virtue).
However, this does not mean that we live passively, waiting for good things to fall into our laps. We cultivators have to be good people, or even better people. Therefore, as students, we still have to study hard; and as members of society, we also have to work hard. However, we do not study or work hard vying for anything in ordinary society. Instead, we simply fulfill our responsibilities and obligations brought about by social relations, without expecting anything in return. Even though we do things without seeking rewards, we often achieve good results.
During New Year’s Eve dinner at my grandmother’s place this year, my uncle and his wife suddenly expressed discontent about me practicing Falun Gong. They thought that I had learned bad habits from my father. When I laughed and was about to refute their words, my uncle’s wife immediately talked louder and faster, preventing me from speaking.
Probably because I usually seem well-behaved and gentle in front of older generations, they felt that I was too obedient toward my parents, and that did not have my own ideas. They also did not approve of me returning to my hometown to live with my parents after I graduated from college. They believed that young people should keep working their way up in society, for example, by attending graduate school or working in a big city.
At first I thought this was a conversation among equals, and both sides could exchange their ideas based on mutual respect. Because in my small family of three cultivators, we always exchanged thoughts peacefully. However, in this conversation, I was not allowed to express any opinions—when adults are talking, the child can only listen because children do not know anything, anything they say is wrong, and everything adults say is correct. Based on this “authoritarian approach,” only the elders can make decisions and voice opinions. Chinese parents have been deeply influenced by Chinese Communist Party mentality, which involves controlling and suppressing, so they do not understand concepts like mutual respect and listening.
Many parents believe their children choose to work or study far away from home out of aspiration. However, from the perspective of young people, this may not be the fundamental reason. I have seen many young netizens complain about deep-rooted conflicts and systemic repression under current Chinese-style parents, saying they want to get away and be financially independent as soon as possible after graduation. Everybody wishes to have a warm, happy family, but those parents’ authoritarian and controlling ways lead their children to feel disrespected and unloved. When an individual is not allowed to have their own thoughts or voice, who would want to stay in that kind of environment? As a result, many children feel forced to move far away.
At our home, my parents never failed to take me seriously as a child even though I did not have as much life experience as they did. Whenever I had an opinion, even if I stuttered while expressing myself, they would give me their full attention, listening carefully and patiently. Even if we did not agree, they would not criticize me in a condescending way or command me from a higher position. Instead, they would peacefully express their own thoughts after I finished. They also did not impose their thoughts on me, and instead encouraged me to think independently.
I think perhaps this was because Dafa cultivation requires us to conduct ourselves according to the principles of Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance, to be considerate of others, and to get rid of selfishness. A selfish person would neglect other people’s feelings, and therefore their words and actions would certainly not show regard for other people, and they would likely not respect others.
Someone who considers others in every respect would think from other people’s point of view, be empathetic and understanding, and thus respect others. In my understanding, the principle of Forbearance allows people to be inclusive toward others, regardless of any differences. When someone lacks compassion and cannot tolerate people or things that are inconsistent with their notions, this leads them to suppress and try to forcibly change others.
The phrase “pie in the sky” is common in the Chinese workplace, and refers to employers proposing appealing conditions to ensure their employees stay longer and work harder, but without fulfilling them. This behavior also exists in parent-child relationships.
Family life at home is supposed to be the most warm and secure place. But if parents lie to their children, this greatly undermines trust among family members.
My parents have always followed Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance as our code of conduct. When I was growing up, they always kept their word to me, and would not casually promise something they were unsure about. They would not lie to me about even the smallest things.
For example, once, in high school, our class traveled to another place to take an exam, and all the teachers, students, and parents stayed at the same accommodation. My birthday happened to be during this time, so my teacher and classmates bought a cake to surprise me, and asked my mother to keep it a secret.
However, everybody’s odd behavior led me to guess they were planning a surprise. I asked my mother whether this was the case. A non-practitioner would be completely fine with denying this to keep the surprise, and would consider it a harmless lie. However, my mother did not deny it. Even though the surprise was gone, I was really happy that she strictly adhered to Truthfulness and did not lie to me.
A friend of mine once showed me her chat history with her mother, because her mother remembered something incorrectly, but when my friend tried to correct her, her mother insisted my friend had remembered incorrectly, and refused to admit she was wrong. This friend then asked her father for verification, and sent her chat history with her father to her mother.
Her mother only said this in response, “Why do you have to take things so seriously?” My friend felt a bit indignant, and found it unreasonable that she got yelled at and criticized for her mistakes, but when her mother was wrong, she not only refused to admit it, but even complained about her daughter taking things too seriously.
In our family, when we noticed issues, we would point them out to each other, and then try our best to correct them. This was because my parents viewed me not just as their child, but also as their fellow practitioner, an equal counterpart. However, initially there were times when the other person would not listen if I pointed out issues. But that was usually because the way I had pointed things out was hard to accept.
For example, when I saw my mother struggling through a xinxing test with someone, and I did not like the way the matter was handled, I would immediately point it out in an emotional way. When this happened, my mother refused to admit this was due to emotions prevailing over reason, and would say that she did not think she had these issues.
However, often after she calmed down, she would realize I was right, and then sincerely thank me for helping her see her shortcomings. I later also realized that the way I pointed out issues lacked compassion, and therefore was difficult for people to accept. Over time, I improved my approach, so whenever I noticed any issues, I would keep them in mind, wait until my mother was calm, and bring them up without any personal notions. Then she would easily accept them.
This was all possible because Dafa requires us to look within whenever we encounter issues. When someone else points out our issues, the first thought should not be: “You’re not so great yourself, but you want to tell me what to do!” Instead, we should think about whether we truly did something wrong by applying Dafa’s principles as our standard.
In my family, if we ourselves had issues, we would work hard to correct them. Admitting one’s mistakes is not embarrassing. Only by squarely facing our mistakes can we correct them. This way, everything will become better. If we insist on denying our mistakes and instead blame others, we only fill our hearts with resentment and are not truly cultivating.
Looking inward has allowed our family to be harmonious, with few conflicts. Even when there are occasional conflicts, they pass quickly and no one takes it to heart. Because whenever we encounter conflicts, we each think about our own issues instead of blaming or complaining about the other. This way, it is impossible to get into an argument. If everybody could look inward, I think our society would also become more harmonious and kind.
Once when I was chatting with a friend about the importance of family values, she mentioned a story about a restaurant. This restaurant had a drinks machine offering customers unlimited refills after they payed for their initial drink.
My friend saw a mother asking her six- or seven-year-old son to use a cup she brought from home to fill from the machine. The son hesitated and said they had to use the cup provided by the restaurant. His mother said impatiently, “Just do what you’re told! Why do you care so much?” The son then used their own cup to get drinks from the machine.
I felt a bit sad when I heard this story. A child’s original nature is innocent and kind, but parents teach little ones to take advantage in small ways and to break rules. Young children are very impressionable, and need correct guidance from adults.
Adults should not only share moral principles verbally, but also demonstrate them through their actions, because children learn from their parents and believe that what adults do is acceptable. Fortunately, my parents practice Falun Dafa, and therefore conduct themselves according to Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance in their daily lives. They educated me with these fundamental principles, and this allowed me to become a kind and considerate person.
When I told a friend about the book Zhuan Falun that guides our cultivation practice, I mentioned the influence that practicing Dafa has had on our parent-child relationship. My friend said enviously, “It would be wonderful if my parents had read this book early on when I was a child.”
I am reminded of the saying: A family is society’s smallest unit, and harmony in the family leads to social stability. Falun Dafa gave me a harmonious and happy family. If tens of thousands of families could become this harmonious, I believe that our society would become better.
I sincerely hope that every person can read Zhuan Falun. This is not only a book that guides cultivators to return to their true origin, but also teaches people about morality. This book will tell you how to have a warm and happy family, how to approach study and work, how to be a good person, and how to be someone useful in society. This book will tell you the meaning of life and the cause of all of life’s hardships and joys.