(Minghui.org) I grew up in a harsh family environment. My mother was very cold. She didn’t allow her children to show any kind of emotion and she cared a lot about surface appearances. We were belittled when we made mistakes. I remember her calling her children stupid when we didn’t meet her expectations. My father lived for his reputation and we learned early on that we were only praised when we were “perfect.” I struggled with anxiety and panic attacks and avoided social interactions as much as I could. As an adult I learned to be fiercely independent and very capable. I’ve never had many friends; I preferred being alone so I could avoid the pain of being hurt or belittled by others.

I read Zhuan Falun on my computer about 10 years ago, and right after, I felt the drilling in my forehead (that Master mentioned in Zhuan Falun and I felt my body was cleansed. I became a better person afterward. I got rid of all the other spiritual books I used to read. I returned items I borrowed from others that I hadn’t returned.

I did not continue studying the Fa, however. A few days after reading Zhuan Falun, I began to have very intrusive and bad thoughts about Master. I felt intense shame. My main consciousness was very weak, and thought karma and anxiety overpowered me. I didn’t know about sending righteous thoughts at the time and the feeling of panic made me unable to study the Fa.

Thought karma convinced me I could never cultivate, I wasn’t worthy, wasn’t strong enough, and should just give up. There was a stabbing pain in my solar plexus. Sometimes when I slept, I saw demons in my dreams. Some I eliminated with my bare hand, and they turned into black dust and blew away. Other times, I was so frightened I ran away in my dream, and I woke up afraid. This state lasted about a year and it was the most difficult time in my life.

The following summer I was exhausted and convinced that I was unworthy of being a Dafa practitioner and that Master had given up on me. One day I had a sudden thought to memorize Lunyu. I began to memorize Lunyu whenever I could. After memorizing it completely, I had a dream where I was reciting Lunyu while demons were dying around me, writhing on the floor covering their ears in pain. I continued memorizing Zhuan Falun after that. I eventually joined local study groups and events to clarify the truth about the persecution. I let go of some of my attachments and became a little more confident. Although I pulled myself out of that difficult time, thought karma was still a struggle for me.

I work as a high school science teacher in the town I grew up in. It provided me with many challenges and is a great cultivation environment. I’ve learned that my students are mirrors for my own attachments. I lost my temper a lot more when I first started teaching, and students didn’t really like my class. My teaching has improved over the years and students have come to really like my class. I still lose my temper now and again, but it is much less often and I always take accountability for my mistakes.

Working with other teachers has also tested my xinxing. Sometimes I could maintain my xinxing well and other times I did not do well. I teach a dual credit college chemistry course through a local community college. I had a student who had special education needs, but since it was a college-level class I knew accommodations would be different than in a high school course. The special education teachers kept telling me that this student should get the same help and accommodations as for a high school course, but I knew this was incorrect. Being at the college level, I didn’t feel it was fair that this student would receive high school accommodations that would never happen at a college level. Instead of maintaining my xinxing, I contacted a district director about the issue to prove I was correct.

The director said colleges do not give the same accommodations for students as high schools because colleges have higher standards and different guidelines. The director gave the special education teachers a training on accommodations at a college level. This caused tension and passive aggressive behavior from the special education department, including sending out mass emails to all the teachers about the topic.

I knew I hadn’t handled the issue well. I looked within and realized I was very attached to who was right and wrong, and who was correct and incorrect. I also realized I did not like anyone telling me how to run my classroom. I also harbored jealousy. I didn’t want this student to get an unfair advantage in another classroom when the rest of the students weren’t allowed to. I was attached to having control and I did not act like a cultivator. I remembered Master’s words from Lecture Four in Zhuan Falun:

Master said,

““If he has made trouble for me, I’ll return the same. He has supporters, but so do I. Let’s fight.” If you do this among everyday people, they will say that you are a strong person. As a practitioner, however, that is completely awful. If you compete and fight like an ordinary person, you are an ordinary person. If you outdo him, you are even worse than that ordinary person.” ( Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)

I was just as Master described, competing and fighting like an ordinary person. Not only did I prove them wrong, but I remember being momentarily proud about it. I behaved worse than an everyday person. After realizing my mistake, I didn’t fight with the special education department after that. We came to a compromise about how this student should get extra help and I left it at that. I will have more opportunities to do well in this regard. This coming fall I will have several students in my college course that are also in special education. I feel this is Master’s arrangement to help me let go of my attachments to right and wrong, and my attachments to fighting and needing to be in control.

Being the head of the science department at my school, our principal asked me several years ago to be on our Leadership Committee that assists in making decisions about school policies and other matters. I also received extra money for being on the committee. There is another science teacher who is very outspoken and who very much wanted to be on the committee, so without hesitation I stepped down and gave her my position. She was very happy. I was also glad that I no longer needed to arrive early.

I began clarifying the truth to government officials a couple of years ago. This was not easy for me. It took me years to become confident as a teacher, but the thought of talking to government staff and officials was very intimidating. Because of my childhood, I usually remained silent and closed off in conversations, afraid of saying something wrong. I was also never good at small talk and avoided socializing whenever possible. Even just family gatherings made me very uncomfortable and I left as soon as I could. I met with staffers despite my fear and I made sure to prepare myself as best as I could before the meetings.

In one of my first meetings, my congressman agreed to cosponsor a bill, which helped me build some confidence. My meetings were brief, concise, and to the point. I continued to send emails, asking for meetings and working to clarify the truth to government officials.

One of my regrets, however, is that I did not make a priority of clarifying the truth face to face in everyday situations. My immediate family supported Dafa, and I clarified the truth to some coworkers, but it was far below the standard for Fa rectification. My cultivation wasn’t solid. Sometimes I was diligent but I usually behaved like an everyday person. I wanted to be diligent, but it felt like something was blocking me. There was some fundamental issue on my part that interfered with me being able to improve my xinxing, truly validate the Fa, and clarify the truth to more people. My Fa study was mostly memorizing Zhuan Falun, with some reading on the side, but I did not make Fa study the priority that I should have. I also had trouble focusing when I studied and was often interfered with by thought karma.

Recently I was asked by the senior class to be the class speaker. I was surprised and honored that the students nominated me to be their speaker on their special day. I gave my speech but was very nervous and read through the speech very fast. Though my students and their families loudly applauded, I immediately started to panic that I had somehow done something wrong.

I thought to myself, “Why do I still have so much fear?” Thought karma flooded my mind with everything I did wrong, but finally my main consciousness became alert to what was happening. I rationally thought through each fear that the thought karma was using to scare me. As soon as I overcame one fear, the thought karma would try another approach to convince me that I had done something wrong and somehow failed at my speech. I realized just how weak my main consciousness had been all these years and finally faced the attachment that hindered my cultivation and my clarifying the truth for many years. The attachment to shame and the fear that I was unworthy.

I looked back at my childhood and remembered several times when something went wrong and my mother would blame her children when it wasn’t our fault. Living in a tense household, I grew to believe that anything that went wrong was somehow my fault, which created a continuous fear of the future, of anything going wrong, or of making mistakes. This fear of unworthiness followed me throughout my life. I was regretful I didn’t see it sooner and I’d been so muddle-headed. I realized how much the evil capitalized on this to keep me afraid of making mistakes, because deep down it would mean that I was somehow unworthy.

I looked back at my cultivation and realized this fear of unworthiness affected everything in my life and cultivation. It caused me to try to prove my worth to everyone around me and made me very attached to my image. If anyone talked down to me I would take it personally because it triggered that fear of unworthiness. I then fought to prove my worth, making me harsh and combative. I realized this is what caused me to still lose my temper with my students. It is what caused me to show off my accomplishments and hide my mistakes. It is also what caused my fear of clarifying the truth to people in conversations. It caused me to be very guarded, self protective, and fight any type of criticism. It also caused me to rush into things, trying to force an outcome instead of just trusting Master’s arrangements. Thought karma added to this fear. Whenever I perceived a mistake, my thought karma would show me mistakes or embarrassments from the past and say, “See you are still a failure and not good enough.” Deep down, there was still part of me that believed this.

I sent righteous thoughts to eliminate the fear of unworthiness, adding it to my daily sending forth righteous thoughts. The same thought karma and panic came back that I’d experienced in the beginning of my cultivation. My solar plexus again felt a stabbing pain. Thought karma and interference once again tried to keep me lost in anxiety and worry. It did not have the power it did before, however. I finally saw it for what it was. When the shame and interference was very strong one day, I looked at Master’s picture and said to the interference, “This isn’t me. You can’t affect melike before. You are eliminated.” I said this several times. I suddenly felt calm and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a glowing halo above Master’s portrait. I thanked Master for cleansing another layer of this thought karma.

I remembered what Master had said about thought karma in Lecture Six ofZhuan Falun.

Master wrote,

“My fashen will help eliminate most of such thought karma. This situation is seen frequently. Once it transpires, you will be tested to see if you can overcome such bad thoughts on your own. If you are determined, the karma can be eliminated.” ( Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)

Right after I let go of this attachment, another attachment surfaced: regret. Regret that I missed so many opportunities to clarify the truth to sentient beings who were put in my path over the years. I shared this with a fellow practitioner. She calmly responded with one sentence. She said, “There are many more waiting to be saved.” I immediately snapped out of my regret. I believe this was a reminder from Master that I can no longer be weighed down by regret. The only way forward is to study the Fa more, and get back on the path Master arranged. The only way forward is to get rid of my attachment to unworthiness and other self centered attachments and clarify the truth to whomever Master puts in my path.

I increased my Fa study and put more effort into contacting federal government offices, but I had a difficult time getting meetings, which started after the defamatory New York Times article was published. When I traveled to DC, I happened to get a last minute meeting with the staff of a congresswoman that I hadn’t spoken with yet. I was surprised I got an email so late at night. I met with the staff the following day. Since I hadn’t met with this staff before, I planned on starting from the beginning of what Falun Gong is, the persecution, and then get into transnational repression. I asked her if she knew about Falun Gong, and she confidently said yes, that she had moved from an office in Texas, and the practitioners in Texas had advocated very well. She knew about Falun Gong, the reason for the persecution, organ harvesting, and she even mentioned the bill by name. I was able to start right into transnational repression and had a great conversation with her about different ways her office was combating CCP influence here in the United States.

Seeing such thorough truth-clarification efforts by other practitioners inspired me to work harder to clarify the truth to the government staffers. If I have meetings with government staff who don’t seem receptive or appear defensive, I look within for my attachments, adjust my actions and righteous thoughts, and try to schedule another meeting to clarify the truth in more detail.

I’ve also had many xinxing tests within my family. My mother divorced my father and they divided some land in half. I took out a mortgage for a house on this family land and my mother lives with me. My mother has helped me see many of my attachments, particularly my attachments to control and personal space. When we moved in, my mother moved all of her things into the living room: two chairs, an antique hutch, books shelves, small tables, and she took up all the space in the living room for her things. I was resentful about this but didn’t understand why and I didn’t bring it up.

We also have a guest room that we both tried to share, but once again, she took over ¾ of the space for her things and barely left me any space at all. I was furious, but I still didn’t say anything. After looking within, I found that again, I had the attachment to fighting to prove my worth. I have learned to see that how others treat me is not an indication of my worthiness. Once I realized this, I moved my things out of the guest room and gave the room to my mother. She was happy that she could have the space for herself.

When the thought karma and interference try to derail me, I recite the Fa. In the beginning, I memorized the Fa with all my heart, whenever I had a spare moment. Over the years, I allowed my attachments to get in the way. With the Fa in my heart, I now find it much easier to wake up early, send righteous thoughts, memorize, read, and do the exercises. I hope to further eliminate my attachments so I can have a pure mind with one goal, to follow Master’s arrangements to save more sentient beings. I know there is little time left. I will do my best to catch up.

Thank you, Master, thank you, fellow practitioners.

(Presented at the 2026 Mid-US Fa Conference)