The first time I heard about "Falun Gong" was back in May 1994, when I went back to China to visit my family. I quickly flipped through Zhuan Falun and found it too deep to understand. After we returned to the States, my husband couldn't stop talking about how good Falun Gong is. I kept wondering how he, with a doctoral and a master's degree in science, could be so into Qigong. The first time we received the audiotapes of Master Li's nine-Day Lecture in Jinan, my husband and I anxiously finished the tapes within two days. I was talking to myself: So, that was the truth of life! It sounded reasonable, but is it real? How could I give up the ideas of seeking material interests, the purpose of life? It was too difficult for me. In October 1995, my mother died of cancer. I was in deep shock and thought a lot. I couldn't understand why she would leave this world at the age when she could lie back and enjoy her life after years of hard work. Under the influence of my husband, I tried to read the book several times but never finished it due to the strong attachments I had and other forms of the interference.
In March 1997, I was fortunate to attend the Falun Dafa Conference in New York City and listened to Master Li's lecture. At that time I still had not finished reading Zhuan Falun and was full of all kinds of attachments. I had only vague ideas of what Master Li was saying, but I could feel an unspeakable force shaking very hard in the bottom of my heart. After the conference, my husband asked me if I would become a true cultivator. I said yes. However, the very next day, my watch and diamond ring disappeared when I was staying at my friend's house. They were nowhere to be found.
Then I also faced tribulations and conflicts with my mother-in-law. I have never been able to get along with my mother-in-law since I married my husband. I am a strong-minded person. I'm always concerned about how other people think of me and fear them criticizing or taking advantage of me. My mother-in-law is a straight-forwarded person with a sharp tongue. She favors her son. In her eyes, I can never do right while he is never wrong. When I had my first child in 1995, She came to help and stayed with us. There were conflicts one after the other. I was very stressed out and upset to a point that I couldn't stand her any more. I complained to my husband constantly. He turned around and tried to comfort me by showing me what Master Li said in Zhuan Falun but I just couldn't get over the fact that I had to abide by Dafa, enduring, forgiving and taking the blame for nothing. After attending the conference in 1997, I realized that I couldn't keep avoiding the obstacles. I made up my mind and prepared myself for anything to come. Sure enough, the next day when we were doing housework together, my mother-in-law started complaining about me sarcastically. Since I was prepared, I was able to keep my composure the whole time. After that I thought I did pretty well. During that period, I stayed home raising my child and did not go out much. Life was quiet and simple, but my train of thoughts never stopped running. The unfairness and negative comments from my mother-in-law kept emerging in my mind. I did not pay much attention to it at first, but gradually I started to get into fights with her in my mind. Even though I had started practicing the exercises, I did not spend much time reading Master's books. I was the same. Nothing had changed deep in my heart. I became resentful. I even felt that I was rather stupid not to protect my own interests when I was tested. I should reason with her and decide who is right and wrong. Little by little I went back to being a ordinary person.
Although I had stopped reading and exercising, I still liked to watch videotapes of Master's lectures at various locations and practitioners' experience articles. Feeling depressed, though, I was not willing to let go of my attachment to fame, interests and sentimentality. Dafa sounded great but it was impossible for me to live up to.
Then it dragged to March 1998 when my husband went to the NY conference and brought back Master's lecture tapes. Once again I picked up Zhuan Falun. I told myself this time that I should not put down the book until I finished it. Finally, four years after I first heard about Falun Gong, I finished Zhuan Falun, and once more I determined to be a true cultivator.
Immediately followed was the pass of sentimentality between husband and wife. I was very sentimental and self-pitying, valuing very much the affection of husband and wife. My heart would twist and turn whenever my husband did not treat me right or pay attention to me. It was impossible to look at the sentimentality lightly, let alone give it up. Life would be meaningless. I even tried to ask Master Li about his family life during the Dafa conference in 1997. This attachment had been a big barrier preventing me from being a true cultivator. During that time, for whatever reason, I did not get to spend much time with my husband. I felt I was neglected. However it seemed that it was all his fault. I tried to talk to him for a few times. But my effort was in vain. I was confused. Once when I was reading, I came across Master Li's saying: "Whenever there is interference of one kind or another, you should make a self-assessment to find out what you still have not given up yet". Later in a discussion with another practitioner on the issue, she quoted Master Li: "look inwards whenever there is a conflict". I realized that the real cause of the issue still was inside of me, no matter how it looked as his fault superficially. Sentimentality weighed too much on me. I was accusing my husband feeling my own interests were hurt. I was covering myself using Master's words and went against the true nature of the universe. Having realized the theory of the law, I still found it too hard to put down the attachment. Feeling the pain of not able to let go the attachments, I kept reading the books to help resist the evil thoughts and gradually I found the attachment became more and more trivial. Gradually my relationship with my husband became harmonious. I have never felt so relieved in my life.
I am a full-time working mother with a two-year-old and a four-year-old. Everyday I get up at the crack of dawn and by the time I go to bed, it is usually at ten or eleven o'clock. I squeeze time to read and exercise when the kids are playing after dinner. I used to play with my kids inattentively and try to hide myself away from them whenever I could. The less I wanted them to find me, the more they would find me. Sometimes I wished I could have a cultivation environment like those of the practitioners with no kids. With the wrong mentality, I had little patience with the kids. Sometimes I was angry with them. Very soon, I was asking myself what had happened and where was my compassion. Why couldn't I always put others before myself? Isn't the worst the environment, the best opportunity for improvement for a practitioner? Hence I started watching Master Li's nine-day lecture videos with them and I read Zhuan Falun to them. Since I have calmed myself, the kids have changed as well. My four-year-old insists on having me read the book when he goes to bed. The little one doesn?t allow me to turn the light off until she falls asleep, so I can read while sitting by her bed.
Even though I made up my mind to be a cultivator again in 1998, I still failed to improve the bumpy relationship with my mother-in-law. I had chosen to stay away from her to minimize unnecessary contacts. At the beginning of this year, my parents-in-law had decided to visit us again in the US. I was quite nervous at the time and did not wish them to come. So I told my husband: "We are absolutely able to take care of our kids by ourselves. All you want is to lie back since your parents will help you. What's wrong with us enduring a bit more hardship?" I knew that I was wrong but still used Dafa as an excuse to cover myself up. Believe it or not, my parents-in-law had decided not to apply for visas after all. The trip was postponed. I thought to myself that I had lucked out
I attended the New York Falun Dafa conference in March 99. Not only was I deeply moved by other practitioners' cultivation experiences but also was able to find where I lagged behind. The day after I came back home, my parents-in-law phoned and said that they were going to apply for visas. Several days later, we learned that they would be here in May. At this time, I began to calm down and realized that my attachment could not be gotten rid of without a difficult environment. My "fear" of facing the mother-in-law was in itself an attachment I could not let go.
On the day of my in-law's arrival, I volunteered to pick them up at the airport. For the following days, I encountered many opportunities to improve my Xinxing. Sometimes I was able to overcome the obstacle and sometimes not. There were occasions when I seemed to conduct myself according to Dafa but it was not from my inner heart. When that happened, the same obstacle would occur again. In every conflict, if my attachment surfaced, the atmosphere would change negatively too. Since arriving, my parents-in-law had planted many kinds of vegetables in the back yard and spent a lot of time and effort gardening. One day after I came back from work, my mother-in-law told me that some of the newly grown plants were cut evenly as by a pair of scissors. She questioned me and made oblique accusations. I immediately sensed that she was suspecting me. I felt unfairly treated and despaired. Very soon I calmed down and realized that what had just happened was not accidental. I did not have the right mind set when I was answering her question and was only concerned with myself for being wrongly blamed but did not put myself in her shoes. Once calmed down, I started to help her to find out what had happened to the plants. Later I put a garden fence around the vegetables. A few days later, my mother-in-law told me that she had discovered that it was the squirrel that had eaten the plants.
During one of the conversations with my husband, I said that my mother-in-law seemed to have changed this time. He responded: "I don't think she has changed. She still speaks the same way and treats you the same way. It is you who has changed." Before going back to China, my father-in-law said to me: "You have become mature since you started practicing Falun Gong. Your mother-in-law has not made any negative comments about you in front of me yet." My mother-in-law also said to me: "How can you be so energetic after a long busy day?"
Ever since July 1999, Dafa has encountered unprecedented tribulations. Like many other practitioners, I went to Washington D.C. While there, I had many opportunities to work with other practitioners to promote Dafa. I saw how other practitioners were always trying to understand everything based upon the principle of Dafa. Whatever they did or said, it always had to be with compassionate hearts and a calm and peaceful manner. In the meantime, I found myself nervous, unsettled, and easily excited. I handled my assignments with a strong show-off mentality. It really struck me when a practitioner said to me: "the show-off and complacency mentality can be most easily exploited by evil spirits". I realized that it was indeed a good cultivation environment and I found myself understanding quite a bit.
Initially I thought I would be in D.C. for only a day. After I arrived, I felt that I should stay. Then I was wondering how to ask my boss for time off. I work for a small company and I have responsibilities that are difficult for others to cover. There was a project pushing a deadline. However, I had only one thought in my mind: I had to stay even at the cost of my job. I phoned my boss and tried my best to explain to him the situation and my willingness to make up with overtime as soon as I went back. My boss was not very happy and hinted that I might lose my job for that. After the conversation, I was worried most of the day. Letting go of the attachment of personal interest is always easier said than done. After repetitive mental struggles, I uncovered my attachments of fear, fame and gain. Coming back from D.C., I had an open conversation with my boss. I also completed my project on time. Two weeks later, my boss gave me a raise.
Looking back at my cultivation path, I nearly passed by Dafa. Master's benevolence has been giving me opportunities all along. He enabled me to see the Falun Emblem when my true nature determined to cultivate. He handed me this great law of the universe and helped purify my body. Master takes every single opportunity to help me abandon all my attachments to become a practitioner from a filthy ordinary person. He lets me discover the truth of life. I know I still have a lot of attachments to get rid of and have a long way to go in my cultivation. However, Dafa is deeply rooted in my heart. Nothing and nobody can shake my determination and resolution to be a true cultivator!
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Category: Journeys of Cultivation
