When I was just a small child, still too young to go to school, I remember thinking, "I have to leave this world as good as I came in." Then I worried about how I could ever do that, because even then I realized that being "good" was neither simple nor easy.
Nothing, no religion, psychology or philosophy ever credibly explained how I could accomplish what I knew I must do. Not until I began to read Zhuan Falun. There I saw for the first time the order behind our actions, and understood that I could, in fact, not only atone for the pain I have caused in this lifetime, but I could also undo the wrongs I have done in previous lives, and what is even more remarkable, I would be helped. Some of it would be eliminated for me.
Once I started to read Zhuan Falun I felt a strong urge to continue reading. And whenever I put it down or closed my eyes I had the sense that the reading was still going on. Whether or not I accepted everything as true, I could easily decide that this was the way I wanted to look at the world and my place in it. Almost immediately the practice filled my mind and I began to measure every thought, word or action against this new standard.
When I was first introduced to the exercises and saw people sitting cross-legged on the ground I said, "I don't think I can do that." I had had a fall down some stairs once when I was pregnant with one child and carrying another in my arms. To protect the child in my arms I took the fall on my back. The injury meant that I was no longer able to ride in a car for any length of time or sit cross-legged without a period of pain and healing afterwards. That was about thirty-five years ago, and though I tried to avoid these activities, every now and then a car ride would be too long or I would make the wrong move and would have to recover again. But when I gingerly sat down to do a very knees-up modified cross-legged sit (because by this time I had lost my flexibility) I felt no warning pains. Nor did they come the next day as expected. And when I went to the conference in New York by car in 1999, driving all day I still had no problems with my back.
Since then I have observed myself thinking differently about illness and my body and reacting differently. For example, the winter before I began the practice I had a sinus infection and ten days of high fever. My doctor was very concerned and warned me that from now on I must either have an operation on my sinuses of have regular acupuncture treatments to prevent a recurrence. The next winter when I once again had a fever and developed the symptoms of sinusitis I told myself that I am a practitioner. The next day the symptoms were gone. I seem to have no illnesses, occasional discomforts that others might label as symptoms of an illness, yes, but they are short lived and they don't make me feel ill.
I read about the issue of karma that we create by harming or killing other beings, and understand in my own limited way that I must have built up enormous karma. It is a sad fact of life that we live off other beings. How many millions, billions, innumerable beings have I harmed?
When I read of practitioners being tempted by sirens in dreams etc. I thought, "Well, that won't be a problem for me!" I was sixty-three when I started practicing and at that age the sex drive is not what it used to be. So it was with great surprise that I realized that I was being gradually seduced. First, during the day I saw an indistinct and vaguely comforting scene. I thought, "I am a Falun Dafa practitioner. I don't need this." Then I felt a flow of energy fromthe top of my head down my back. A few days later I had a dream about an old boyfriend. I resisted his advances and planned to explain as soon as we were alone that I was a Falun Dafa practitioner. Eventually I succumbed to the erotic dreams. What could I do about this? I remembered a technique for being conscious in your dreams. I began to wear a bracelet on my wrist and each time I spotted the bracelet out of the corner of my eye I told myself, "No sex unless I am wide awake". This seems to be working for now.
The phenomena that other practitioners discuss in the experience sharing reports seemed so far out of my reality that I could only wonder at them. And yet I too am beginning to have some sensations that I cannot account for. I remember doing the sitting exercise in the park one day feeling that my head and shoulders were inside something soft and absorbent, as though a large felt hat was hovering over me, muffling all sounds and air movement. There was also a period when each time I did the standing exercise some force went through my torso repeatedly from shoulder to knees in waves, correcting my posture as it went. This continued for weeks, gradually diminishing in strength and duration each time I did that particular exercise.
I am reeling from a series of attachments that have become obvious to me in the last few weeks. First, as the founder of a studio co-operative, I had assumed responsibilities and enjoyed the attention my colleagues gave me for fifteen years. Now, faced with a move and the dissolution of the co-op, I watched the pain people felt and the crumbling of some relationships and realized how much of my self-image was invested in this co-op and how unnecessary that was. Secondly, at almost the same time I realized that I had a rather silly attachment to my cars which I kept running as long as possible and longer than
reasonable. I gave them names and made pets of them. And finally, I am trying to balance my need to clear away my last medical issue without causing my very caring doctor to feel personal rejection or failure. I will explain:
Half my thyroid gland was removed thirty-five years ago and I was told that because this gland controls other glands I would have to take supplements for the rest of my life, and also the levels would have to be tested regularly. When I discovered that Falun Dafa practitioners did not take medication I thought that it was expecting too much of Falun Dafa to correct for a gland that had been removed. But I thought, "At my next routine test I will check my level and tell my doctor that I will be gradually cutting back on my medication and request that she test my levels more often". But after the blood test there was a rather panicky message from my doctor asking me to come in right away, that my level was extremely high and it was dangerous for my heart. Instead of being concerned I was pleased, because I understood that I no longer needed the medication.
I could have simply stopped going to my doctor and stopped having tests at that point, but I thought of how my doctor would feel if I did that. I decided instead to involve her in what I am doing and my reasons for making my decisions. I have been fortunate to have an open-minded doctor that will go to any length to find a natural solution to a problem rather that a drug. She is interested in what I am doing as a practitioner and wants to know more about it for personal reasons. I have loaned her the China Falun Gong book. Perhaps because she has been reading about Falun Dafa it seemed to be no surprise to her when I told her that I had decided not to take any more thyroid medication. She simply gave me a requisition for a blood test "In case I should have problems", thereby fulfilling her responsibilities as a doctor..
Although my pulse rate has gone up to 90 beats a minute and then a few days later dropped down to about 60 beats per minute, and although my thyroid levels have soared and dropped, I have felt fine all the time. In reading about other practitioner's experiences, it seems they too often have abnormal test results, yet they feel healthy.
For all of this and more, I am truly grateful.
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Category: Beginning Cultivation
