What pure, innocent minds children have. Even when fleeing our war-torn country with my family, there was no sense of fear in me, just an excitement of anticipating new changes. That little boy didn't have the human concepts of life and death, fear and hate, anger and jealousy, loss and gain. But something happened one orange moonlit night on that ship. With everyone asleep and all quiet except the sounds of the sea, I stared out into the distant horizon and suddenly felt very sad. Suddenly all those human concepts became perceptible to me: anger, hatred, greed, selfishness, fear, jealousy. I suddenly knew what suffering is, what it meant to be human.
Thus, as a little boy, I was quite traumatically transplanted at such a tender age. In a strange new land and feeling out of place, and with constant discord around me, I grew a protective shell to withdraw into. I carried the heavy weight with me as I grew and my heart seemingly closed up. Then one day I entered the Fa, which nurtured and rectified my being, and I slowly emerged again. The kindness, innocence and purity began to blossom again.
For the first two years of my cultivation, the seas seemed relatively calm. There were the occasional storms and deviations in course here and there; I had tribulations and tests, and some were passed and some were failed but the seas never got too rough and the skies never got too dark.
But cultivation is about constantly upgrading yourself and moving up in levels. Higher standards and demands are placed on you. In the third year, the seas got more choppy, the storms became more frequent and powerful, the skies were full of dark, ominous clouds. Now, I could only rely on my understanding of the Fa and the points of lights which were my fellow practitioners on the same seas on their own voyages to guide me through this stormy darkness back to my home, but isn't that enough? No matter how choppy the waters, how heavy the winds, and how dark the skies, with the Fa illuminating everything and Master in the lead, all one needs is the courage to move forward and the willingness to jettison the excess weight of human attachments.
This third year of my cultivation in Falun Dafa began on a positive note. At the Boston conference in January 2000, for the first time I glimpsed into the power and purity of Compassion. I found out what genuine selflessness and altruism truly mean. We were in the conference room sitting in the meditation position, waiting for the press conference to begin. I looked up at the large image of Master Li and started thinking about what he is doing for us and the world, his immense compassion, what he has to endure to teach us the Fa. I felt shameful when I thought how selfish I had been in the past. I thought how frustrated I was that no matter how I tried to express the kind, selfless and genuine nature outward, it just evaporated when it hit my selfish human exterior.
As we meditated and drifted into our own tranquility to the familiar, echoing music, something emerged from deep within: a soft, kind, pure voice saying: "Master Li, I don't want to think about myself anymore, I only want to think of other people." In my heart was a genuine desire to do as Teacher has said: consider and think of others first in whatever one does. It was so genuine that it tore through my ego. What lightness there is in pure altruism and selflessness, gone are all the heavy, dirty weights of egotistical concerns, insecurities and attachments. I felt at that moment that there was nothing I would not do or give up for the good of others. It was a very complete and indescribable feeling of wholeness and I had to jump back into my human thinking for if I had let myself go, I could have sobbingly cried for hours from the feeling of liberation and release.
The Big Dye Vat
Later that month, I went with a friend to visit my brother in Arizona. From my experiences during this trip, I understood one of the reasons why Master Li is so explicit about us studying the Fa regularly, for in this heavy rushing current of the declining humanity, without an anchor, one would eventually be carried away, no matter how one tries to hold on.
When I first got there, I kept my daily routine: the full sets of exercises and reading at least one lecture in "Zhuan Falun." However, by the end of the trip, I was only erratically reading "Zhuan Falun" and doing the exercises. I began to get so swept up by the current of everyday people and circumstances that I did not even make it to the local group practice that weekend.
Later, we decided to go to Las Vegas, appropriately named the City of Sins, or in the view of cultivators, the City of Karma. Once we drove over the horizon that night, we were immediately captivated by the dazzling light of the city's night atmosphere. It was a strange and surreal environment. I saw and felt what could be described as a slight demonic demeanor in many of the people - the night time celebration atmosphere, the countless flashing, hypnotic lights, the loud music, the crowds of people shouting and laughing, people who's full time profession was to stoke the demonic flames in the tourists, getting them to sell their souls and spend their money.
Through the whole experience, I felt a strange dual nature, a separation of sorts. I was a cultivator, wandering, observing and looking out with a cultivator's mind, yet I was in my body as a human being, following along in what humans do. Needless to say, I saw things that I should not have seen. Going down the main streets, I remember Master's comments: you don't watch TV, you don't read books, but do you walk on the streets? There are nude pictures displayed there for you to see. This was even worse; these things were everywhere you turned your head.
Master Li said a complex environment can be a good thing. From this environment and my trip, for the first time, I looked frankly at my cultivation and my progress and saw a mountain of attachments and shortcomings waiting to be exposed. I realized how indeed serious cultivation really is. There is no break in cultivation, there is no vacation, only constant diligence and constant vigilance. One moment of weakness or carelessness is all that it takes for the demons to take advantage of and for you to fall down. We must be careful and guard our xinxing at all times. Didn't Master say in his article "Towards Consummation" - "The only way to prevent the old, evil forces from taking advantage of the gaps in your mind is to make good use of your time to study the Fa."
After the trip, I felt like a tree after a big storm. I was blown around quite forcefully; the weak branches and limbs had been blown away yet I was still standing, my roots had taken hold in the Fa. Each time you study the Fa, each time you deepen your understanding of the Fa, your roots can grow deeper into the Fa. The time invested is not wasted.
Dissolving the Human Shell by Immersing in the Fa
During the spring of this year, I noticed a strange phenomenon. Whenever I encountered situations and circumstances that reminded me about my past issues, limitations and negative experiences, various sentiments and thoughts would come out. I can only describe it as an onion being peeled down layer by layer. Now the peeling has reached the tender area; old scabs were broken off. Past issues that were nicely painted over were exposed in their rawness.
This year, I had made a new, stronger commitment to helping promote Dafa and assisting the Teacher in his work in whatever ways I can. I understand at my level the great significance of promoting Dafa, to let people know the truth of Dafa and to let those who are predestined enter Dafa through our work. Indeed, during this special period of Master's rectification of the universe, it goes beyond just personal cultivation.
As Master stated in the Changchun lecture, "...not only all elements that form your life as a human won't let you break away from being a human, but also everything that constitutes the human environment won't let you leave either. You must break through and overcome all kinds of tribulations. The hardest part is the suffering they create for you."
From this, I understood, isn't cultivation a statement that you want to break away from being human? To break from the human shell, one has to move towards selflessness and altruism. Would not our human side resist? Would not extricating ourselves from these thorny vines of sentimentality and barbwires of human notions, concepts and thought karma be a painful process because they are so tightly wrapped around us?
Those days, I felt really worn down and battered. I was vacillating between egotism and altruism, sentimentality and compassion. It was like a pendulum swinging back and forth between being a cultivator and being a human. Some days I would chuckle at the slightest attachment I saw in myself and other people and nothing would seem to bother me, other days minor things could bother me and Forbearance seems so difficult; some days I felt a sense of strong Compassion, wishing that why can't all of humanity wake up and see the Fa in front of them.
Out in public, I would observe people, peering into their eyes, seeing spirits trapped in physical bodies. On the surface, they appear happy, sad, angry and indifferent, yet they all seemed to me in a daze, sleepwalking through their lives, locked in human attachments and delusions. I really felt moved, wondering how could I tell more people about Falun Dafa. How can I give more of myself?
Other days I felt like drowning in a sea of sentimentality and thoughts. It was like being immersed in something so thick that it's hard to move because your heart feels so heavy and your mind feels so occupied. I tried so hard to push my heart to the surface; I kept pushing and pushing but what came out was only selfishly human. I was wondering, "What is wrong with me? Where is my compassion?" Master has said that "...if all a person want is the well-being of others and this is without the slightest personal motivation and understanding, what he says will move the listener to tears." With the selfish things emitted from my mind and carried by my words, how can the things I do and say be up to a practitioner's standard and conform to Zhen Shan Ren?
It is true, breaking from being human is quite painful. I always remember Master's quote, "You must remember this: Cultivation itself is not painful - the key lies in your inability to release everyday people's attachment. Only when you are about to let go of your reputation, interests, and feelings will you feel pain."
Then, I also noticed another phenomenon. The more I immersed myself in the Fa, the clearer my mind and the purer and lighter my heart. Doing anything related to Dafa is sacred, solemn and serious. Immersed in the Fa, I found the inner storm quieting, the human shell being slowly dissolved in the radiance of the Fa. My inner nature could shine outwards more and more brightly. The experiences I had doing Dafa-related activities moved me closer towards Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance:
There was the sweet but reluctant old lady who seemingly kept hesitating and changing her mind for such a long time, fearful of putting down her name, address, and telephone number on the petition. Maybe she lived by herself and was scared. Yet in the end, she signed her name and walked away with a Falun Dafa flyer. I thought how one simple decision, one act can have such an impact in our future lives.
There was the religious man who kept shouting derogatory remarks at us as we did the exercise demonstration in public. I thought, being so controlled by these human notions and thought karma, people don't even know what they're living for. When everything is made clear, it's too late for regrets.
There was the mountain man who came back after the workshop ended and gave me a rock, then passionately recited to us a poem. It was his way of saying thank you. I thought, the Fa can really bring out the Buddha nature in all of us and show us the way home.
There was the big, bald-headed muscular man who passionately shook my hands with both has massive arms for such a long time, expressing his support for Falun Gong. I thought, with just a move of a person's heart, he can position his future in the Fa.
With the nurturing light and warmth of the Fa, the flower was beginning to blossom again, the heart slowly emerging out, slowly, tenderly, even painfully, but still returning to the state of purity and innocence. The little boy is growing up to be an adult in Dafa. My regret is all the opportunities I missed to present my genuine self, to give something genuine, kind and true, not prop up a false fa ade intent on protecting a fragile ego. The Fa truly rectifies the universe, perpetuating into this world, into us, rectifying us, allowing us to finally return to our true nature.
Teacher has written, "The immeasurable and innumerable Buddhas, Dao's, and Gods in the cosmos and the living beings in even larger cosmic bodies are all watching everything on this tiny speck of dust in the cosmos." So why are they watching and what are they watching? Maybe it's something unprecedented in the history of the cosmos. Millions and millions and millions being able to move up as Buddhas, Dao's and Gods themselves at one time in Consummation. Master says in his poem, "The Knowing Heart," - "When the day of Consummation arrives, the great disclosure of the truth will leave the world in amazement."
Let us all finally emerge from our selfish human shells, break away from our human side and let the Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance of our true nature shine brightly forever. Thank you Master Li for teaching us this Fa that can manifest such grand magnificence and majesty.
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Category: Experience Sharing Conferences
