Three months after I obtained the Fa, Falun Gong was banned in China, and the persecution of my fellow practitioners in China began.
I was confused as to why this was happening, but never doubted the Fa or Teacher. Immediately veteran practitioners around me went into action, and I, too, knew that I would step forward with them. However, I very quickly realized that I had much catching up to do in my own cultivation, especially in understanding the situation, so I studied the Fa diligently.
When encouraged, I did all the things that a Dafa disciple should do in clarifying the truth, whether it be immediately going to Washington, D.C., walking into my Senator's offices, or writing letters to my Congressman and President. In my own personal cultivation, I also felt I was moving forward quite quickly, passing major xinxing tests, learning from my xinxing failures and doing better, enduring episode after episode of karma dissolution, and always studying the Fa diligently.
In March of 2000, almost a year into my cultivation, I felt myself almost paralyzed at times with back pain. It felt like my back had shattered into a thousand pieces of shards of glass. At first I thought that I was going through more karma dissolution, and tried not to focus on it too much and allow it to pass. However, it was not like the karma dissolution I had experienced in the past, and it continued and persisted well into the summer. I realized that this was something else, but in all honesty, I did not have a clue as to what test I was not passing. I looked deeply within and was confused, since I was passing very difficult tests in my personal cultivation, and was studying the Fa diligently. I truly had no idea what attachment I needed to let go of. The physical and mental pain at times was unbearable. I felt like I was being tested to see if I could hold my ground and stay diligent.
In late summer of 2000, a fellow practitioner asked me if I could do some work in putting together posters regarding the persecution, so he could be freed up to do other Dafa work. Gladly, as always, I said yes. I was always more than happy to help out in any way I could. Working on these posters until late every night for a week with another practitioner, I noticed that my back was a little bit lighter after each session, with less pain. I found this rather curious, but realized that it was a sign, a very definite sign for me to continue to step forward. I continued with other projects in clarifying the truth, and eventually noticed that I started to think of ideas more freely, without needing to be encouraged, or looking to others for guidance.
At this particular point, in September I read "Serious Teachings" on Clearwisdom, recorded from a recent talk by Master. I remember trembling as I was reading it. It was Teacher speaking directly to me.
Master said: "In the midst of the Fa-rectification, a god's single thought about Dafa determines his existence or destruction. Can those who've obtained Dafa regard things as everyday people do? If a person has obtained the Fa but isn't able to validate the Fa, does he still deserve to be a Dafa disciple? No matter how he 'persists in studying the Fa and doing the exercises' at home, he is being controlled by demons and is 'enlightening' along an evil path."
Looking back at these months of mental and physical pain, I now realize I had placed myself in my very own detention center, due to my attachments. Even though, from the very beginning, I was involved in clarifying the truth, I had not fully become a particle of Dafa. I now know it had everything to do with my own selfishness, and my selfishness was holding me back from fully assimilating and dissolving into the Fa.
It is obvious to me now, and it actually was in the beginning, when I waited for others to take the lead, and then went with them. The period of time of my needing to be asked and encouraged were definite symptoms that I had not fully dissolved into the Fa.
I realize now, as long as I required 'hints,' I was not coming fully, totally from my heart. As long as I required 'hints,' I was only superficially giving a morsel of my heart. It's rather difficult to say, but my cultivation was not fully genuine. Because of my fundamental attachments, I was not able to understand the Fa from within the Fa.
Teacher says in the Washington, D.C. Lecture: "Whether you can step forward to validate the Fa is a test that can't be passed just by following the crowd and its momentum. Some people have thought that they'd wait on Tiananmen Square, and figured that 'if everyone steps out of the crowd, then I'll step out.' When they don't see many practitioners stepping out, they stroll around and then head back. This is because when everyone steps out, it's that momentum that brings you out--you aren't stepping forward as a result of letting go of life and death deep down within. Cultivation is an individual matter, and following the crowd won't do it. Each person's improvement must be well-grounded."
Even in ordinary human society, every sociologist know that people will do things in a crowd that they would never consider doing alone. Like Teacher says: "it's that momentum that brings you out."
I look back at those months of being in physical as well as mental pain, and realize that our darkest moments are our most sacred. I realize that it was due to my own karma and not being able to let go of my selfishness and concern for my own personal self-interest. In addition, I also recognize it as the great benevolence of Teacher not wanting a single disciple to be left behind.
Even though this was almost a year ago for me, and there are other experiences that I could have written about, I chose to talk about this personal experience because of the urgency of time. As we know, this special period of time will eventually come to an end.
Teacher, especially lately has given us, I believe, some very big hints. I ask myself, once they are given to us, can we still enlighten to them? Again, it is Teacher's great benevolence not wanting anyone to be left behind.
In the letter to the Nordic Fa Conference, he says: "every student should, in addition to participating in group activities, in his daily life fully take the initiative of a Dafa disciple, establish his own mighty virtue in the process of clarifying the truth, and do well on his own Dafa disciple's path. So in clarifying the truth, don't wait, don't rely on others, and don't just hope for changes in external factors. Every one of us is creating history for the future, that's why everyone is not only participating in group activities, but also taking the initiative to look for work to do. As long as something is good for Dafa, you should take the initiative to do it, take the initiative to work on it."
Reading this, to me the key words are "taking the initiative." To me Teacher's request is very simple, but it has to come from your own momentum. He is not saying how much, or how huge or grand your work for Dafa should be. As I understand it, as long as it is good for Dafa, and it is of your own initiative done with a pure heart, then this is positive, and genuine. Of course, this is not work per se, but cultivation within Fa rectification.
I knew from day one of obtaining this Fa that the path of cultivation was not going to be an easy one. One of the first things I was asked to do was to speak in public. I had always dreaded public speaking, but I knew that I had to do it. As long as I have sentiment or qing - whether I like doing this, or not doing that, my liking or my love, my happiness or anger - then I will in some way affect Fa rectification in a negative way. This is not about staying in my comfort zone during Fa rectification -- that's just not possible -- nor is it possible in personal cultivation. I have found that I'm far from my comfort zone in handling the media, or being surrounded by numerous people watching me sit in meditation alone at the Liberty Bell. But this work must be done, and I have vowed to do it.
No soldier has gone into battle being in his comfort zone. At night when I close my eyes to sleep, my vision lights up as if I'm watching an electrical storm. It reminds me of the stories of a relative of mine who served in WWII. He said at nighttime, as a soldier, he would sit in his foxhole and watch the sky light up, with the battles being played out before him.
I know we are in the biggest battle ever to occur in any historical period of time of the universe. We are here to assist Teacher to eliminate the evil and rectify the cosmos. This is sacred and serious work, and in the process, he has given us this extraordinary and precious time to enable us to let go of all of our attachments -- to pull away from our own personal concerns and serve the Fa, which is greater than ourselves.
I asked myself only briefly once, and you may have as well: "How can I remember ever vowing to assist Teacher?" Then what came to my mind is what Teacher mentioned to us on the subject of karma dissolution: "Higher beings above would not let you treat your previous life and this life as the lives of two different people. They look at all your lives as one complete life cycle. Otherwise it would be like you getting up this morning, disclaiming all responsibility on the things you did yesterday as against the things done today. They have all been done by you. This is how they look at all forms of lives."
I thought to myself the other day that even in ordinary battles throughout history, if a soldier walks away from a battle, he will be court-martialled and shot. If I were to turn my back and walk away during this time, then I feel that I should be shot as well. It would almost be the most compassionate thing for the universe to do.
I think this is exactly what the evil fears the most. I will not be silenced and I will continue my work wholeheartedly as one of the many guardians of the Fa.
I have recognized my vow, and will assist Teacher in this human world with every muscle, bone, fiber, and breath of all my bodies in every dimension.
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