(Clearwisdom.net) (Continued)
Hard-to-Heal Wounds in the Heart
After getting out of the labor camp, I had not truly obtained freedom. The local police and officials still supervised me and my home phone was still tapped. I had to regularly report to the street residential committee. Also the police would suddenly come to my home to see what I was doing and search for Falun Gong books and materials. I knew once the police found that I still practiced Falun Gong, I would be sent to the labor camp again, so I had to secretly read the Falun Gong books and practice the exercises at home. I knew in my heart that this kind of covert state was far from a practitioner's open, noble and serene state. The helplessness and the constrained feeling out of disappointment strengthened my mental obstacle of book reading and exercise.
The experiences in the labor camp often came into my mind like nightmares. Trivial things in daily lives would connect to those horrible scenes. In this way I constantly felt depression, fear, compunction, helplessness, and anxiety, and even had sudden accelerated heartbeat, dizziness and fatigue. Previously I had always slept well, almost instantly falling into sleep once in bed. After the labor camp experience, I often suffered from insomnia with all kinds of thoughts in my mind, so my mind and body could not be strong and I felt depressed for a long time. In addition, all kinds of lies and slander being spread again and again in the labor camp would often jump in to interfere with my thoughts. During the long-term brainwashing at the labor camp, the police took advantage of human being's physiological and psychological reactions to link many bloody scenes, slander and lies to Falun Gong and Master Li in people's mind without their awareness. Once mentioning Falun Gong, those negative messages would come out unconsciously, although in my mind I knew those thoughts were groundless and senseless.
Because of the guilt and desperation I felt due to the setback, I tried different ways outside of cultivation to overcome my depression, even if it would relieve the pressure for only a short while. I tried playing ball games, watching TV, surfing on the Internet, playing electronic games, traveling, etc. I tried almost every kind of entertainment. But after the short period of escape, I always went back to the dark and depressed feeling. And my feelings of guilt grew heavier and heavier. Although I tried my best to hold back the painful emotions, nothing could distract me enough to feel the meaning of life and value. At the same time, I realized that I had lost my love toward others and my sense of responsibility, and I gained a stronger and stronger hatred toward the government and society. All of that was because I lost my self-respect, and gave up my pursuit for the noble and the good.
At one point, I watched a movie called Braveheart about a Scottish national hero. There was a scene at the end in which William Wallace, while fighting for Scotland's freedom, was tied down by the tyrant. They humiliated him in public by cutting open his body. The killer asked him, "Do you have something to say? If you beg for mercy we will let you die easily." Under the extreme pain, he used all his strength and shouted to the people, "Freedom!" My tears burst forth when I saw the scene. My heart was violently shaken. The deepest pain and most hidden feeling erupted. I felt heartache. Compared to his fearlessness and superior character, I felt I could never have such a noble heart again! I felt I could never find my self-confidence and dignity again! I did not want to sink in humiliation. I did not want to keep degenerating in numbness and helplessness. But, who could help me to forget the humiliation, and return to the original me?
Lucky Return
When I was in desperation, it was again Falun Gong that lifted me. No matter how I looked like a damaged lonely boat striking out in the storm, I felt I still had a pure and harmonious space inside my heart, the perfect harmony and serenity that I had experienced, and the pure land of Truth, Compassion, Forbearance. It is like a lamp that breaks the dark night, which persistently showed me the direction. When I tried my best to settle down and read Master Li's lectures once again, I found that he had clearly pointed out the reason behind the persecution, the problems of those practitioners who made mistakes, and how to do better. It seemed that Master had been watching how I went through all of this, and every word told me the truth. I was able to sort out everything that had happened. I realized the damage that evil's persecution had done to me. I was able to view the damage properly. I saw my problems and obstacles in my cultivation. When I read the books again, I understood how to overcome my problems and improve from that point on. Gradually, I found my self-confidence and my direction, recovered my serenity and caring state, and got rid of the demon that controlled me. It's easy to say. Had Falun Gong not helped me again, I might never be able to get out of the deep feelings of guilt, hatred and mental anguish. Those days would have forever caused pain in my life, and I might have never gained my ground again.
Closing Words
The crimes that Jiang's criminal government committed against the Chinese people include persecuting Falun Gong and destroying China's morality, democracy, human rights and laws. These crimes also include destroying people's kindness and their desire for righteousness and goodness, which is the most evil. Many Chinese have become numb and passive as a result of the prolonged prosecution by the Chinese Communist Party. They have even unconsciously approved and supported the persecution, creating many injustices and disasters. In fact, everyone is a victim. Yet they don't wake up until encountering trouble themselves. Right now, I am in a free country. But the Chinese communists have spread their lies to the whole world, and tried to control more people's minds and spirits. I feel that I have the duty to tell my experience and the truth of the persecution to the world, and expose the evil. At the same time, I am concerned about the millions of Falun Gong practitioners in China who are still enduring the persecution every second. I am concerned about the millions of Chinese who are suppressed, deceived, and exploited. I will use all my strength to find justice for the crimes committed in the shameless persecution, see that bad people be punished and that justice prevail. I believe that humanity's future will be bright and beautiful.
For Parts 1 and 2, please see
http://www.clearwisdom.net/emh/articles/2003/12/16/43204.html
http://www.clearwisdom.net/emh/articles/2003/12/19/43279.html
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