(Clearwisdom.net) I was released from the Masanjia Forced Labor Camp in June 2001 and was forced to leave home to avoid further arrest at the end of the same year. I then joined the mighty current of Fa-rectification. Under such special circumstances, many of my everyday people's mentalities and unrighteous thoughts were revealed. However, for a long time, I failed to look inward; instead, I looked for excuses to judge others in order to cover up my own attachments. Although I read the book and studied the Fa every day, my thoughts and actions were far from the requirements of the Fa. When fellow practitioners kindly pointed this out and reminded me, I would nitpick about their attitude. For a very long time, my xinxing was at a standstill, until a few days ago when I was so deeply shaken by an incident that I felt encouraged to write down my feelings and the lessons I learned. At the same time I am correcting myself, I am also exposing and eliminating the evil.
During my illegal detention in the Masanjia Labor Camp, under high pressure I gave in against my will. After I was released, I felt deep regret for what I had done, and vowed that I would redouble my efforts to make up for the loss I caused to Dafa. However, because I did not pay much attention to Fa-study, sometimes I would do some Dafa work for the sake of doing it, or went along with some Dafa work for fear of hurting fellow practitioners' feelings. I did not do it out of a pure state of mind to be responsible for the Fa and sentient beings. I showed various attachments, such as the attachment to doing Dafa work for the sake of doing it, the show-off mentality, being pleased with myself and other reasons. I failed to cultivate my inner self and to measure myself with the standards of the Fa in time. Instead, I used work for Dafa as an excuse to cover up my own attachments. As a result the old forces found excuses in these attachments to persecute me.
On June 15, 2002 I was arrested while distributing fliers with a fellow practitioner, and was again sentenced to three years of forced labor. I went on a huger strike for ten days before I was sent back to the Masanjia Labor Camp. I was released due to unacceptable physical conditions. Master said, "The old forces don't dare to oppose our clarifying the truth or saving sentient beings. What's key is to not let them take advantage of the gaps in your state of mind when you do things." ("Teaching the Fa at the 2002 Fa Conference in Boston") However, before I was arrested, I always used various excuses and reasoning to make allowances for my attachments that I should relinquish. When I was arrested, I did not completely negate the arrangements by the old forces, sincerely from my heart, and I only started to look inward after I lost my personal freedom, thus causing great loss to Dafa work.
Along with the unceasing progress of Master's Fa-rectification and the deepening of truth-clarification, tolerance, coordination and cooperation among Dafa practitioners become especially important. However, when fellow practitioner did not understand or had misunderstandings of my ideas I would feel that I was insignificant and what I said did not count. I would feel inferior. Sometimes I even thought, "Why is it that I was always in the wrong? Why is it that I had to unconditionally vent along with others to resolve conflicts?" When a situation became serious I would vent my resentments, developing a mentality of jealousy and going against others. Master said,
"Do you realize that as long as you're a cultivator, in any environment or under any circumstances, I will use any troubles or unpleasant things you come across--even if they involve work for Dafa, or no matter how good or sacred you think they are--to eliminate your attachments and expose your demon-nature so that it can be eliminated, for your improvement is what's most important.á
If you are able to succeed in improving yourself this way, what you do then, with a pure heart, will be the best and most sacred." ("Further Understanding" from Essentials for Further Advancement)
The old forces always want to change others instead of themselves, yet I precisely lost my senses in this respect under the manipulation and interference by the old forces, looking externally more and more. I would try to find that a certain practitioner still has certain everyday people's notions yet to relinquish, or that their ideas do not conform to those of post-natal notions that I myself have not yet gotten rid of. Because I had these bad attachments, the old forces evolved these things for me to see, and I even went so far as to think: "Well, don't some of you also have everyday people's notions? Why do you always pick on me and even tell others about me?"
Gradually I became more and more indifferent towards Dafa work and in the end I did not want to do anything at all. I even went so far as to think: "Well, I cannot afford to offend you, but I can afford to avoid you. I might as well go away and focus on my personal cultivation." I willingly separated myself from fellow practitioners, thinking that we could each do our own things, and even if we could not cooperate, there was no need to hurt each other's feelings. For a while, on the surface there was no disagreement between fellow practitioners and me, yet in my heart there was a big gap between us.
On January 10, 2003, when a practitioner and I were kidnapped again, I was freed after four days under Master's protection. But the other practitioners' attitude towards my incident varied, and they gave me all kinds of comments. At the time I felt quite hurt, but when I realized that I had done things that did not conform to the criteria of a Dafa disciple, I wished other practitioners could tolerate me and help me improve from the Fa principles instead of giving me such a big round of criticism. I was very depressed, like an everyday person, and my regrets made me feel I had no place to hide. I wanted to find a place to read and study the Fa, but I could not find a place. I felt some injustice had been done to me and thought, "No matter what, I did not come out from the detention center in order to "enlighten" along the evil path or give in to the evil forces. You should have compassion even toward everyday people. If I had known it would be this way, I would have stayed there." I even thought, "How hard it is! I don't want to cultivate anymore." In fact, I was very much at risk. These thoughts were not mine. I realized that something was wrong with me, but I did not want to correct myself even after I knew I was wrong, because I was attached to other practitioners' attitude towards me.
I basically closed my heart off from the other practitioners for an entire three months. A few days ago, the fellow practitioner who was kidnapped along with me broke out of the labor camp after 84 days. I saw that my fellow practitioners' attitude was very different toward him. They were happy for him from the bottom of their hearts; some even had tears. I was quite shocked at the scene. I am not able to describe the feeling with words. The fellow practitioner had always done very well in all aspects, especially in being compassionate. From the other practitioners' reaction to him, I saw my shortcomings and the distance between him and me. I started to carefully examine myself inside. What had I done in the past few months? I had not studied the Fa well, and had added obstacles for myself. I had not done any of the three things that Master asked us to do. Did I qualify for the title "Fa rectification-period Dafa disciple?"
Master said in "Digging out the Roots," "Cultivation practice is a serious matter. The distance has become greater and greater. It is extremely dangerous to add anything human to cultivation practice." In the article "Dafa Can Never be Plagiarized," Master said, "It's difficult to practice cultivation, yet very easy to fall. When a person fails a test or can't let go of a strong human attachment, he might reverse himself or go to the opposite side. There are too many lessons in history. Only after having fallen down will a person begin to regret, yet then it's too late."
When other practitioners touched on my attachments, I kept searching externally, thinking, "How can they treat me this way?" I had not used Dafa to demand strictness of myself. I used an everyday person's narrow-minded character to treat others. I deviated severely from the Fa, yet I was not aware of that. How dangerous it is! In the "Fa-Lecture at the Conference in Florida, U.S.A.," Master said, "When a cultivator's mind departs from the Fa, the evil will find its way in. Seen with the human eye, people and everything else in the human world are three-dimensional. But in reality, all matter in humankind's entire dimension--be it flowers, grass, trees, human beings, the air, etc.--everything is made up of particles of that size (molecules). And in this layer of particles, everything, including the human body, is connected. When a person himself doesn't have righteous thoughts, all the bad things in the cosmos, or in the Three Realms, will flow around continually in the human body, and even when they stay there the person doesn't realize it."
Fa-rectification has come to the last stage. Time is very precious, but I have not used it well. Led by my attachments, I remained with the mistakes for such a long period of time, and had almost forgotten my responsibility and mission. I shall always remember this big lesson, and never again fail to live up to Master's compassionate salvation.
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