(Clearwisdom.net)
After several years of cultivation, I have learned how to take many things lightly and have gotten rid of many attachments. However, jealousy still comes out frequently. As I improve myself in cultivation, I am able to detect my jealousy whenever it appears. However, I am ashamed to find that I still have such strong jealousy. It manifests itself in my daily life and work, especially in Dafa work. I understand from the Fa principles that it all comes from selfishness and that it is formed because of the characteristic of the old universe. However, I was not able to figure out how to get rid of it, how to completely eliminate it while I assimilate to the characteristic of the new universe.
I have been obedient since childhood. Absolute egalitarianism has been taught by the Communist Party and I thought I could get anything I wanted by my own efforts. So I always fought for "first place" and wanted to outshine others. I wanted to be number one all the time. After I won "first place" on different occasions, I could no longer let go of the "first place." I was praised by many people, and in time I couldn't tolerate any criticism. I felt jealous of those people who did better than me. I often sighed over "unfairness." After I practiced Falun Dafa, I began to take many things lightly. However, I had formed a lot of incorrect notions due to being educated by the Communist Party for so many years. They became less visible and were disguised by good works for Dafa. I unconsciously pursued the raising of my cultivation level as if it were something to be achieved through efforts. The deep attachments were covered up by the "noble" pursuit, especially after I took part in some Dafa projects. I regarded fellow practitioners' encouragement as the approval of my capabilities.
The last two years, I wasn't able to do as much Dafa work as before, since I gave birth to a child. I am busy also with my daily work, so I have become quite anxious. At times, I have even lost my temper. Many attachments, especially my jealousy, evolved.
When I saw the fellow practitioners who I used to clarify the truth with, being able to further coordinate many kinds of work well, I commended their work. However, I somehow had a feeling of loss instead of feeling happy for their growth and maturity. There is a practitioner working in the same company as me. Sometimes, when I am busy and he is not, I feel it's unfair, as he is able to do more Dafa work. I still help him rationally, but I know that inside I am still jealous of him. I know I have the feeling of loss because I worry about not being able to do Dafa work, instead of worrying about saving sentient beings.
Recently, the Fa rectification has been advancing rapidly. As I have been eliminating the poisonous factors in my mind and body, I suddenly realized that the absolute egalitarianism that we have been instilled with for many years was the main reason for my strong jealousy. Actually Master has talked about this in the Fa. Master said:
"When we look at it from a higher level, a person's whole life is laid out there in another dimension, so could people be the same? Everybody wants to be equal, but if something isn't part of your life, how could you be equal? People aren't the same." "Some years ago absolute egalitarianism was practiced, and it really messed up people's thinking and values." (Zhuan Falun)
"Studying the Fa with attachments is not true cultivation. Yet during the course of cultivation a person may gradually become aware of his fundamental attachments, rid himself of them, and thus meet the standard for a cultivator. What's a fundamental attachment, then? Human beings acquire many notions in this world and are, as a consequence, driven by these notions to pursue what they yearn for. But when a person comes to this world, it is karmic arrangements that determine his course of life and what will be gained and lost in it. How could a person's notions determine each stage of his life? So those so-called "beautiful dreams and wishes" become pursuits that can never be realized, despite painful attachments." ("Towards Consummation")
The Communist Party's education of denying the existence of God and karmic retribution has formed a notion in my mind. Even though I have studied the Fa for several years, I haven't rooted it out. From today on, I will add a thought to clean up these notions when I send forth righteous thoughts. I wrote this article today to expose these poisonous factors of the Communist Party culture in my mind, and to completely eliminate it.
Please kindly point out anything inappropriate, as I have limited understanding.
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