(Clearwisdom.net)
Greetings Master, greetings fellow practitioners,
The title of my experience sharing today is "Rectify Ego, Melt into the Fa."
1. Purifying Myself in Trivial Things
I am a Dafa practitioner from Chicago. This is the first time I have written and shared an experience sharing paper since obtaining the Fa in Beijing in 1997. I have tried to write one before, but always made the excuse that my cultivation was not good and gave up. Before this Fa conference, I felt that my cultivation state was not that great. I was feeling exhausted by many things in my life, including work, looking after my child, and relationships with my husband and fellow practitioners. Things just didn't feel right, and I was tired.
One day at an outdoor Fa-promoting event, I overheard two practitioners immersed in some trivial conflicts. I smiled at them somewhat disapprovingly. A practitioner next to me who was also observing the conflicts said, "If we fail on trivial matters, how can we expect to increase our Gong?" I was shocked by the comment. I realized that it was a message from Master. It thought, "It's my attachments that fail me." If I can give them up by treating them as small things, rather than big things, and as good opportunities to upgrade my xinxing, wouldn't I pass the tests? Would I still feel exhausted because of those trivial things? No way! And while promoting Dafa and clarifying the truth, our own improvement will manifest in the process. It will also show in our lives, work, and personal cultivation, which is even more significant. Since we are tested everywhere, we have to look inward and rectify ourselves at all times in order to meet Master's requirements for Dafa disciples. The purpose is so that we can let go of our egos, catch up with the Fa-Rectification process, clarify the truth and save more sentient beings. Once I enlightened to this, I decided to write down my sharing about trivial things, and my own improvement and experiences from those trivial things. I hope my sharing is useful to you.
2. Improving Myself in Studying the Fa and Doing the Exercises - Overcoming Laziness
When I looked back on my cultivation I realized that I did not do very well on the three things that Master told us to do for the first time at the Florida Fa Conference in 2002. I especially did not do well in studying the Fa and practicing the exercises. Even when I did do the exercises I performed them like I was trying to finish a task. I understood Teacher's teaching and the importance of these things, but it seemed that I had endless things to keep me busy instead. As time passed, I was less and less diligent, and being "busy" became an efficient excuse for me.
Both my husband and I have full time jobs, and we have an active three-year-old son. On weekends, I go to the Chinese consulate, take part in group study, take care of the past weeks' housework, and work on Dafa projects. On Mondays I was always exhausted. On most Mondays I would just sit at my desk in a dispirited manner. My colleagues looked more energetic than I did. One day I wondered if my colleagues would believe me if I told them how good Falun Gong is, and how beneficial Falun Gong is for both the body and spirit. I also remembered that during the past winter I caught colds and fevers all the time. Interference from the old forces aside, falling behind in Fa study and practice must have played a role. What Dafa disciples do every day is clarify the truth. If anyone discredits Dafa or has misunderstandings because I fall short in my cultivation, I have let those sentient beings down, not to mention Master.
"Scriptures cultivate one's heart, exercises refine one's body" ("Assimilation" from Hong Yin)
If I can't be steady and sure in Fa study and practicing the exercises, I won't be able to meet the requirements for Dafa disciples during the Fa-Rectification period. This would then have a negative impact on my Dafa projects and my clarifying the truth. It is a vicious cycle that becomes hard to break. Master said,
"In fact, let me tell everyone that matter and mind are one thing." (Zhuan Falun)
The Fa-Rectification process is making breakthroughs in all dimensions. In our dimension it manifests as accelerated time. Even everyday people can feel it. My understanding is that Dafa disciples have missions to carry out, but our physical bodies are restricted by this dimension. As time accelerates, we may feel tired. Doing the exercises enhances the functions and mechanisms of our bodies, and evolves them in other dimensions. Fa study is even more critical. We need to upgrade our xinxing and eliminate all notions and attachments acquired in the human world. On the other hand, we need to be clear-headed, keep righteous thoughts and do righteous deeds to save sentient beings.
I kept searching for the roots of my lack of diligence. Why do I know about this, but just can't do it?
"Study Fa, obtain Fa,
Compare in studying, compare in cultivating,
Examine each and every deed,
Accomplishing is cultivating."
("Solid Cultivation" from Hong Yin)
If we realize that something is not genuine cultivation, it is necessary to change our actions to match our understanding. I had always attributed my failures to being too busy. Is this busyness energetic and enabling me to cultivate upwards? No. Tracing it to its root, on the contrary, it is laziness. It is just like a mountain in another dimension, which prevents me from studying the Fa and doing the exercises. In this dimension its manifestation is my busyness and all kinds of reasonable excuses. As time passes, my fellow practitioners get the impression that I am busy. I feel that there are many things to do, and there's no time or too little time to study the Fa and do the exercises. I think this probably is the cause of the aforementioned vicious cycle.
I shared my understandings with my husband who is also a practitioner. We found he had the same problem. We then decided to correct the problem. We adjusted our schedules and rearranged our time spent on Dafa projects so that we could have some time to do the exercises together. It worked. When it's time to practice, we put aside our work and practice. Doing the exercises together is great. I feel much more energetic afterwards, and doing the exercises hasn't delayed any Dafa projects. This demonstrated that I was really not that busy. After I overcame my laziness, everything was fine.
3. Rectifying Myself on Receiving Both Compliments and Criticism
Once, a practitioner from out-of-state called me. At the end of the conversation, she said, "Is your cultivation state good lately? I saw you in my dream last night with Master. The beauty of the surroundings you were in is beyond words to describe!" I said that I didn't have any special feelings, but noticed a little complacency in my heart. What I didn't expect is that a few days later a local practitioner told me, "I had a dream last night. I saw that the area around your house was filthy! I was a little puzzled because your neighborhood used to be pretty nice. Why was it like that? When I woke up, I thought maybe your cultivation state was not that great, as you look outward a lot." I was so depressed when I heard that comment. I had nothing to say, and could only keep silent. I didn't make any connections between the two dreams at the time.
A few days later, I heard from a practitioner that another practitioner who's in charge of a media outlet admired my writing capabilities, and recommended that I take on more responsibilities in media work. I was complacent again. Then I submitted an article to the Clearwisdom.net website and expected to get some feedback. An editor, however, sent me many links on how to write editorial articles, and tactfully pointed out that I'd better learn my writing skills from scratch before submitting articles.
That hurt me a lot. I asked myself repeatedly, why? I majored in liberal arts, and memorized a great number of poems from the Tang and Song Dynasty. I had written many Dafa related articles, which have been recognized by fellow practitioners. People always praised my articles. I didn't think I had the attachment of complacency. Why did the editor comment like that? I was resentful and depressed, and didn't feel like doing any Dafa work, because all my projects were writing related. I shut down my computer and cell phone, and I isolated myself, without telling my husband. I couldn't do anything. My thoughts were wild, I was downhearted, and felt like I had cultivated in vain.
I was so muddleheaded that day. I really do not know what I did or how it passed. The next day, when I was ready to shift away all of my responsibilities, my babysitter, who's also a Dafa practitioner, told me, "You don't look very good. Go practice the exercises, and leave those troubles behind." I agreed.
I obtained the Fa in 1997, but I did not see or feel anything special, as do some practitioners. But that day when I practiced the Falun Standing Stance exercise, for the first time I felt the Falun clearly spinning in my body. The Falun didn't spin fast. I felt a warm one between my two arms, and there was a smaller one spinning among my fingers, sliding along them one by one. The feeling was great! I broke into tears, as I indeed felt great compassion and encouragement from our Master. He encouraged this disciple who fell over herself, and was not willing to stand up and take her responsibilities. He encouraged this practitioner, whose attachments were too strong and who lost her bearings, to stand up and do what she should do, because she is endowed with great responsibilities by history.
With tears in my eyes, I finished all the exercises. I calmed down, and felt relaxed. I thought about the two dreams, the two different feedbacks on my writing, and the complacency I felt when people praised me. I always reminded myself not to be attached to these things, but did I really mean it? I thought that I had gotten rid of these attachments at the beginning of my cultivation. In addition, this thought was reinforced by the persecution, because I believed there was nothing that could make me complacent after it began. But just because I thought I had given it up, did not mean that I had. We are cultivating in the human world after all. Master said,
"Human society is a good place for cultivation, since everything here can lead to attachments. Precisely because of this, a person who is able to step out of it and get rid of all his attachments to human society is magnificent and is able to reach Consummation."("No Politics," from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
When people praised me, I thought I wasn't moved. But instead of things touching my heart, numbness had formed in my life consisting of an arrogant disapproval. So when the test came, when people criticized my writing skills (which I thought to be my talent and was proud of), I was moved. Master said,
"In the face of tests one's true nature is revealed" ("True Nature Revealed" from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
Apparently, I failed the test. I didn't want to do anything, thinking I had cultivated in vain. My deep-rooted attachment to complacency was the culprit. I realized that the resentment and other bad thoughts derived from this attachment were actually part of my demonic nature. When demonic nature prevailed, I deviated from the spirit of the universe and my surroundings became messy. Master said that cultivation is to remove our demonic nature and enhance our Buddha nature. Only when Buddha nature prevails can one think wisely.
When I thought more deeply, I remembered what Master said,
"For a cultivator, all the frustrations he comes across among everyday people are trials, and all the compliments he receives are tests." ("A Cultivator is Naturally Part of It" from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I'd read the sentence above many times. But when the real test came, my heart was moved by the others' comments. Master said,
"He thinks that he has cured an illness. When others call him a qigong master, he will become delighted and very pleased. Isn't that an attachment? When he cannot cure an illness, he drops his head and feels fizzled out. Isn't it caused by his attachment to fame and personal gain?" (Zhuan Falun)
I care about people's comments about me, but fail to weigh them by the standard of the Fa, and to analyze if what I do complies with the requirements of the Fa. Once I deviate I should rectify myself and make improvements, because Master said,
"The Fa can break all attachments, the Fa can destroy all evil, the Fa can shatter all lies, and the Fa can strengthen righteous thoughts." ("Drive Out Interference" from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
When I figured out my problems, I calmed down and felt relieved. I turned on my computer and continued to do what I should do. When I further removed some attachments and upgraded my xinxing, I felt like everything was back to normal. I submitted the revised articles to the Clearwisdom.net website. The next day an editor wrote back and praised me for my quick advancement. I knew the improvement was not due to my "quick advancement," but rather the removal of filthy things from my body, so that my body and spirit were elevated a little bit. Just like what Master said,
"Nevertheless, when these good things come to you again, even if you have more wealth, more fortune, or more difficulties, you will find that you are no longer attached to them like an everyday person. You will take these things very lightly, but you will still have everything. Isn't that better?" ("Lecture at the First Conference in North America")
I clearly felt that the feeling of complacency was gone. Instead I felt more mature and wise after the fall. Master said,
"The whole process of cultivation is a process of constantly getting rid of human attachments." (Zhuan Falun)
I know there are still a lot of things that I need to do.
4. Let Go of Ego in the Process of Fa-Rectification, and Melt into the Fa
I understand that right now every gigantic change is a critical moment in the war between good and evil, which requires that Dafa disciples improve themselves. But most of the time I feel that I am slower than others. Take the lawsuit against Jiang Zemin as an example. When practitioners from every corner of the world got together in Chicago to support suing Jiang and launched a tremendous campaign, somehow I had a lot of concerns. Although I understood that the case was important from the standpoint of the Fa, I worried about whether everyday people could understand the lawsuit, and whether they would doubt the impact of the lawsuit. Therefore, I did not do well in supporting the practitioners' efforts. I was even a little reluctant.
Last year there was a large rally in Chicago to support Jiang's lawsuit. On that day I was heading downtown to take part in the rally, wearing my yellow Falun Gong T-shirt, but stopped by my college first. In the computer lab I chatted with some classmates, and then went to the library. After I left the library, I realized that I forgot something so I went back. When I finally finished in the library, three people came to me and said, "We saw your yellow T-shirt in the computer lab, so we wanted to talk with you about Falun Gong. We know a little, for example, about Charles Li. It looked like you were busy, so we just followed you. We saw you enter the library and then enter again. We just waited here, hoping that we could have a chance to talk." I was amazed by their words, forgetting what to say. They were not waiting for me. Instead, they are sentient beings waiting for the truth of Falun Gong. Every being's clear side is waiting for the truth. That day we talked for a very long time, from what Falun Gong is, to Jiang's lawsuit and the rally in Chicago. They looked very interested and said they would go and see.
From this experience I found that I still had loopholes in catching up with the Fa-Rectification process. When I was concerned about this and that, Master gave me hints. But I still couldn't realize what exactly my problem was.
In 2005, when the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party was published by The Epoch Times newsgroup, I again had many concerns. This time it was worse - I couldn't understand the issue from the standpoint of the Fa. I was worried that no one could share experiences with me on this matter. I was assigned a lot of tasks to promote the Nine Commentaries. One day my husband asked me to visit an alderman with him after work and clarify the truth about the Nine Commentaries, and the movement for quitting the CCP (Chinese Communist Party). I was very reluctant, but had no choice. Before I went to work I couldn't help complaining. I said, "Based on my cultivation state, if I go, there will be a negative impact." My husband said, "Why don't you just set aside your state."
I thought about his words on the way to work. Suddenly I realized that this was exactly my problem. I cared about my own feelings too much, cared about myself too much. I clarified the truth, I did Dafa projects, etc. I thought about the three people waiting for me in front of the college library. Right now, isn't every sentient being waiting for the truth of Falun Gong? Because of the evil spirit of the CCP, many people can't learn about Dafa in a fair way. Facing such evilness, shouldn't we let the world know the truth? I was choosey and picky. I was willing to promote Dafa from a positive angle and tell people the truth of the persecution, because this type of truth clarification conforms to my notions. I was reluctant to spread the Nine Commentaries and news about quitting the CCP because they were not consistent with my notions! This is actually selfish. I learned that the genuine purpose of my truth clarification was to let people truly understand the truth and to make choices for a bright future, not for telling a certain number of people the truth per day. For those who can't accept Dafa from a positive perspective, we should figure out what their obstacles are, and help them remove them. The Nine Commentaries are just like a sword to break those obstacles. The Buddha Fa is boundless. What Dafa disciples should do is to cut through the everyday people's notions with our wisdom. Finally, I found my loophole. Because of my selfishness, my base of telling the truth deviated, so I always had many concerns. This way even if I clarified the truth from a positive angle there would still be problems.
I felt enlightened that day. A powerful force emerged from the bottom of my heart. I immediately figured out some key talking points to discuss with the alderman and printed a map from the Internet. I felt a commitment and responsibility that I had never felt before, and I recognized the situation of the Fa-Rectification. That was a feeling that arises only when a Dafa particle lets go of ego and melts into the Fa.
In retrospect, my cultivation for the past few years resembles a stumbling kid who was just learning to walk. Teacher guided me, fellow practitioners encouraged me, and I rectified myself through Fa study and practice. I melted into the Fa, and I improved myself continuously.
Thank you, Master. Thank you, fellow practitioners!
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