(Clearwisdom.net) In July this year my right upper arm started hurting badly. I ignored it until finally the first week in August the right side of my torso became sore with a lump and then my back and neck. In a matter of days my body felt sick. My husband wanted me to go to the doctor to get it checked. I said no because I knew what the doctor would say, and I was a Falun Dafa practitioner and recognized this as sickness karma or interference from the evil.
I worried that if I died then this would damage the Fa and all my family and this little town I live in would not believe that Falun Gong is good anymore. What damage would I do if I did not find a way to rid this evil from me? I looked over the past few months and recognized I was going through a lot of mental tribulations again with everyday people and some fellow cultivators in my local area. I noticed that I could not let go of "their notions and their evil, their problems." I had no compassion for them. I was being mean.
The day I recognized that this was evil interference to damage the Fa, the illness got worse. My fear of dying and not being with Master grew each hour. I sent righteous thoughts at least 6 times a day. I monitored my every thought, started practicing the long version of the exercises every day and read sometimes two chapters of Zhuan Falun each day. I worked validating the Fa and clarifying the truth on the computer, but I also learned to spend more time with my husband and kids, as they had been complaining recently that I was bad tempered.
Yet the illness got worse. I didn't want to tell anyone about the lump. I was ashamed that I had failed in my cultivation but was determined that I was a Falun Dafa practitioner and I would beat this. I felt sure that I was doing everything okay and all would be fine. Yet the symptoms got worse.
Finally, when I realized what really was at stake here, I spoke with a fellow practitioner. While I was talking to him, he directed me to search Clearwisdom for sickness karma, and when I did, up came 5 articles. One was "Take the Negative Impact of Sickness Karma Seriously." (http://www.clearwisdom.net/emh/articles/2005/8/1/63495.html)
As I was reading this article everything began to unfold and I began to see how "self" had emerged over the last few months and that even though I was firm in my belief in Dafa, I wasn't cultivating properly.
I realized that I hadn't been improving my Xinxing when the tribulations came, as I had done earlier in my cultivation. I was being mean and not compassionate with people, even my family and some practitioners. I wasn't cultivating and I was hiding my attachments. I could find plenty of faults in others but not me. "I was being diligent."
All the signals from Master were there, in hindsight, and I began to see my attachments one after another. Just at that point when I began to see clearly, a loud clap of thunder boomed and lightning struck what seemed to be right above the house.
The lights went out, the computer went off, and hail hit the tin roof. We all stumbled around in the dark to find candles. When I looked outside, all the lights were on in other houses. I called my husband who was out at a birthday party and he confirmed that no one else had lost power, although he heard the thunder and said it was like a bomb going off. He came home and tripped the switch on the electrical board and said the lightning must have hit the house, as we were the only ones to lose power. One of the children said just before the power went off an electrical spark or light had filled the living room.
I have no doubt that as I realized the omissions in my cultivation and what the evil was trying to do, the evil was eliminated by the power of Dafa in an instant.
I understood that night that although I was always affirming I was a Dafa practitioner, I did not practice Master's way. I did not actively improve my xinxing when tribulations came up. I only selectively improved them, whereas I should have eliminated all my attachments.
I realized that I did not accept people or practitioners for who they are, always judging them on the surface, not knowing their true situation. How could I possibly know?
Master says:
"One must begin by being a good person. One should always improve xinxing, always suffer hardships, ascend constantly in cultivation, and always seek to upgrade xinxing, even though one cannot see one's own gong." Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun
I asked myself through the night while sending righteous thoughts why hadn't I been practicing cultivation and improving xinxing. I then realized that I hadn't eliminated my fundamental attachment of why I had become a Falun Gong practitioner.
I had a deep underlying depression all my life, wondering why I was here again. I disliked being here on earth amongst everyday people and saw no sense in life as we know it.
Whenever I was let down by people, I felt this overwhelming depression and could never get to the bottom of it. My mother even said I lay in my cot for the first year without wanting to eat or interact with my family.
I then realized that my fundamental attachment to Falun Dafa was my ticket out of here, out of the cycle of samsara. So all this time I was saving sentient beings, working hard, and cultivating--not to save sentient beings, but to ensure consummation, to validate myself and to never have to return to earth again. This has been a life changing moment for me to understand this, and to put Dafa and saving sentient beings first.
The next morning as I wrote this sharing, the lump vanished. My arm no longer hurt. The evil interference left me. I am so grateful for Master's eternal compassion.
I speak today to encourage practitioners amidst tribulations to put Dafa first and speak up; to not be attached to self and to not make excuses for covering up any shortcomings; to let fellow practitioners see that we encounter interference because of omissions. By speaking up and sharing--this is being responsible to Dafa and to other people of the world waiting to be saved.
Master has pointed this out very compassionately and clearly at the Teaching the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference.
"Why don't you stop and think about it: Why is someone interfering with you? Why is it able to interfere with you? Is it because you have an attachment, or because you have something you can't let go of? Why don't you look at yourself? The true reason lies with you yourself, and that's the only reason it can exploit your gap! Don't you have Master watching over you? Even when an ordinary person shouts out "Falun Dafa is good" today, Master will protect him, since he's shouted those words I can't not protect him amidst the evil. And how much more so am I protecting you cultivators! In some isolated cases some students really did come down with an incurable disease. But think about it, so many people who had severe health problems or incurable diseases before they learned the Fa became well after learning Dafa, so why is it that some students on the other hand can't make things work? Is it that Dafa makes distinctions among sentient beings? Is it that I, your Master, treat students differently? I really have to ask you: Are you truly cultivating? Have you truly followed Dafa's requirements? Are you clarifying the facts with the human mindset of disagreeing with the persecution of Falun Gong, or are you validating the Fa and saving sentient beings truly from the standpoint of a Dafa disciple? Yes, the old forces have arranged for some people to get in, but why is it that most people can handle things now but you can't? Haven't I taught the Fa to you?!
"When problems arise, when something doesn't feel right, you have to look at yourself! Look at where you were wrong and allowed the evil to exploit your gaps. If you were wrong you should recognize it and do better. Don't forget, you are all Fa-rectification period Dafa disciples! You came to validate the Fa! Cultivation is hard, and the evil is more evil while you are validating Dafa. Those who can make it through are bound to be Kings of sentient beings.
Thank you from your fellow practitioner.
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Category: Journeys of Cultivation
