From an early age I have suffered from many kinds of mentalities. I am the youngest child in my family. Due to various nurtured experiences I developed a very introverted, self-conscious, depressed, and weak disposition. I was chubby as a kid and made fun of constantly because of this. My brother liked to play fight with me, but because I didn't exercise very much and was weak, I would get hurt easily and act like the victim in every situation. My personality was two-faced and I often made up lies if I did something wrong and I made up lies about my past.
I remember these days very clearly (although I was quite young) and my attachments were very strong. They turned me into a loner and I often did things on my own. Looking back, I realize that I never looked inside myself for the reasons that people treated me badly. And, since I had in introverted disposition, I often looked at people with judgment of them, and judgment of my self. But, it wasn't always like this. At many times I remember being happy, learning on my own, looking for the truth, and I would also pray for answers to a God with no faith.
These years I was around 5 through 14. When I got older I began to get taller and thin out. Also, I became more attractive and people started coming to me and treating me as everyone else. However, my personality was still the same, and I would dare not approach many people and I seldom felt very happy. I always thought that I was correct and I often became irrational when discussing opposing points with other people.
I began smoking marijuana, drinking alcohol, and smoking cigarettes when I transferred to a public high school my sophomore year. Marijuana was the biggest burden and illusion for me. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd of people and I started to smoke marijuana almost everyday. A sibling of mine was also a drug dealer, so I had a lot of access to it.
But despite all these things, I had another side to me. I had great Buddha-nature and I often searched for the reason for life and why the world is the way it is. I came upon many different philosophers, historians, and mystics. I read that the world would enter a great new stage soon in the future, that humans are stuck in an eggshell of ignorance and that once we learn the truth our possibilities are endless. However, I understood these things in a very superficial and radical way.
One evening I was smoking marijuana with my brother and he was flipping through the channels. He came upon a public access show called "Pure Heart Clear Mind." Although we tuned in half way through, we could both understand the evilness of the persecution, the righteousness of the principles, and I in particular saw it as something wise, powerful, and quite frankly, the teachings of a god on earth, although I only subconsciously thought these things. My brother and I began following the exercises as Master Li demonstrated them. While I was exercising I felt incomparably wonderful. My body was vibrating and I could feel pain and then immediate energy and power. When I smoked marijuana I became mute and could not talk well because my thoughts were deep and zoned out. After I began practicing I felt real energy in my body and I could use all my functions clearheadedly. I was tremendously delighted. Amazing changes kept happening as I kept going, and it was only the beginning.
After I studied the Fa for a while, my bad addictions were taken out of my body gradually over the following year. At the same time, my disposition changed tremendously and continues to ascend to the heavenly principles of 'Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance.'
I no longer feel insecure, lie, or avoid people, and even deeper attachments have been eliminated over the past one and a half years. I am now 18 years-old and my mind is constantly on Falun Dafa's teaching. I keep trying to look inside myself and continue to dig into the profound words of Master Li. I would like to thank Him for saving me, and letting me recognize who I am and what I am here for. Also, without the support of other practitioners and the Falun Dafa experience sharing conferences, I would never have been able to be as steadfast as I am now.
Views expressed in this article represent the author's own opinions or understandings. All content published on this website are copyrighted by Minghui.org. Minghui will produce compilations of its online content regularly and on special occasions.
Category: Improving Oneself
