(Clearwisdom.net) I've been making truth-clarification materials for one whole year now. Accessing the Internet to download materials, printing, binding, copying, editing, buying supply materials, etc.--I've taken on all these responsibilities on my own. I have made every piece of material with my heart and silently sent them to predestined people. I have also advanced together in cultivation with other practitioners around me. It has become more and more clear to me that this is my responsibility. I want to say to Master, "Thank you for helping me to walk my path to this day, to walk through the windy and rainy days, and to keep walking along the path of the Fa. I have no excuse not to be diligent in cultivation. I have no excuse to let loose of a single thought. I have no excuse to let down Master's offers of benevolent salvation."
I began Dafa study in 1997. I felt the stifling atmosphere after the persecution started on July 20, 1999. Lots of things pressured me. Every day the CCP spread lies about Dafa and defamed Master and Dafa. I couldn't control my own moods then. I was anxious to argue with people, "That is not true! Their propaganda is all wrong..." But I seemed so weak then. I felt helpless and gradually became numb, lazy and selfish. I deviated from Dafa.
Practitioners came to share their experiences and thoughts with me. But in the environment of ordinary people I forgot I was a practitioner. I didn't read too much from the book. I didn't do the exercises much. I wasn't strict with myself. Between 2002 and 2004, I felt I was walking on a dangerous edge. I came to realize that the human notions of jealousy, competitiveness, the show-off mentality, and emotional attachments were surrounding me. I couldn't find my true self and did lots of things that were not in line with the requirements of the Fa for my own cultivation. I let emotions totally control me and couldn't step out of it.
I knew Dafa was good and didn't want to leave Dafa. I knew I was wrong. Every time I deviated from Dafa I felt as if I were falling and struggling with pain. This also reflected physically on my health condition, but I was still not awake. Master called to me in my dreams again and again. I still did some wrong things knowingly. The only thing I had was a remaining thought, "I'm wrong. I can change myself. Please give me some time. I can change..." I told myself again and again, "I can change." Once in my dream I clearly saw somebody in a white shirt from hell coming to me saying, "Take her away." Another one said, "Wait, she said she can change." I suddenly realized that I couldn't say that I didn't realize what was going on any more because I had come to a very dangerous edge. I told Master, "I can change."
A few days later I saw "Teaching the Fa at the 2004 International Fa Conference in New York." Master said,
"These are in fact the things that pain Master the most. For a cultivator, it's just so shameful. It's shameful even for an ordinary person, but you are a cultivator, so how could you even raise this for open discussion? It is just so shameful. Did you know that in old-time cultivation, as soon as a cultivator broke the rule pertaining to this, he wouldn't be able to cultivate again for the rest of his life. That's how serious it is."
"So, what can be done? Dafa is merciful, and Master looks at your being in its entirety, and you will still have chances before the Fa's rectification of the human world arrives. But you can't make those mistakes again. You just can't. And during this period of time especially, the evil will capitalize on your emotion to aggravate its persecution of you and will cause your desires and attachments to be particularly strong, to the point where you can't handle yourselves well and will take an evil path. Master has seen that. If you can walk your path well and cultivate well, that sin will belong to the evil. But if you still don't walk your path well, that sin will be your own. Of course, the evil that is interfering with you will be eliminated, and after that anything you do will be yours."
My tears silently fell when I read this. I always cry when I read this article. No blame or complaints from Master. It is benevolence. It is tolerance.
Master didn't give up on me. Master didn't want to let go of any Dafa disciple. He gave me chances again and again. It was an unforgettable day in October 2004. I was off from work and several friends asked me to play a game of Mahjong, a gambling game. This was not in line with the Fa's requirements. I knew that. But I still let loose and said, "It's OK. I'll just play a little bit." I wasn't able to get rid of that sly attachment. But the other side of me was not calm, so I made a phone call home and was told that there were visitors at home. I was guessing it must be practitioners, but my friends needed me to stay and play--it takes four people to play this game. I was facing a conflict. My serious self asked myself, "If Master would let you Consummate now and let you go home with Master now, would you go or stay here in the human world?" I immediately said to myself, "I would go home with Master." So I rode my bike and went home right away. It was practitioners who were visiting me. They had come to look for people who could take over the responsibility of making materials. I didn't think much then and just had one thought, "I can."
Since that single thought of "I can" emerged, I became rejuvenated with energy. The bad thoughts and ideas around me were immediately eliminated. All of a sudden I would not let the selfishness, laziness, competitiveness and jealousy control me any more. The attachment qing, in particular, became smaller and smaller. Later I realized that it was Master who was taking them away from me. Merely for the thought "I can," Master gave me so much. Since I had that thought, Master gradually made me understand
"what is a Dafa practitioner during Fa-rectification" and "Dafa disciples Take upon their shoulders heavy responsibilities," ("Dafa Disciples" in Hong Yin II, provisional translation)
I also understood "saving sentient beings" and "we must take this path in an upright manner."
I should have understood this much earlier. I was in a deluded state for too long. My true side was closed off for too long. I always felt that I understood the principles too late and that I stepped forward too late. I have now realized that I should make the best use of my time and be steadfast in cultivation. I understand that I should always remember I'm a practitioner and put all my thoughts on the Fa. I now understand so much. I also realized that Master's Law Body gave me this chance to catch up quickly.
Master's Law Body made arrangements for me to eventually reach Consummation. Because I didn't know anything about technology or making materials and I had studied the Fa too little, I had to start from the very beginning. But since I had the thought "I can" I've never hesitated. I only learned the technologies for three days. During those three days of learning, many of the Fa principles showed up before me. During those three days I looked at Master's photo and said three times firmly, "Master, I can learn. I can do it." With these firm righteous thoughts I carried the machine home. I was carrying the machine in the dark of night. When I got off the bus and walked home, it was far away, it was dark, it was heavy, but it was sacred.
I started walking forward on the path that Master arranged for me. With every single step, Master always protected me. When I took the machine home, my family, who are non-practitioners, couldn't understand. The surrounding environment put more pressure on them, and they tried to stop me. During that time I couldn't even dare to breathe heavily at home. Facing the pressure from my family, I continued to study the Fa and send forth righteous thoughts to ask Master to strengthen me. I also read lots of articles on the Minghui Weekly and often shed tears when I read about fellow practitioners' experiences. How could I change my family's attitude? I needed to create and correct my own environment.
Master told us in "Be Clearheaded:"
"Dafa disciples, away with your tears,
The demon Satan has completely collapsed.
Clarify the facts, send righteous thoughts,
Expose the lies, clean out the rotten ghouls."
I continuously recited it. And then, little by little, I clarified the truth to my family and sent forth righteous thoughts. Gradually my family environment got better, and later my family even helped me.
Once I had a little bit of fear and wanted to give up. As I struggled, facing the conflict, right then, I thought of what Master said,
"Cultivation is not difficult
The earthly heart is hard to discard
So many attachments - when to sever them
Everyone knows the sea of suffering has no shore
If the will is not firm
Barriers are like mountains
How to transcend the mortal world"("Severing" from Hong Yin II, provisional translation)
I once again pulled up myself. When I didn't know what to do, Master told me,
"Study Fa, no idling; changing in the process
Firmly believe, no budging; coming into fruition - lotus forms"("Advance Wholeheartedly, Enlighten Righteously" from Hong Yin II, provisional translation)
When I just started to show impatience to others, Master told me,
"Mercy can dissolve heaven and earth, bringing about Spring
Righteous thought may save people in the world"("Fa Rectifies the Cosmos" in Hong Yin II, provisional translation)
One time, there was interference with the machine. Another time, when I was told that the fellow practitioner who had taught me the technology was arrested, I was shocked. I then studied the Fa non-stop.
In the past year, every day, every hour, every moment, Master has been with me. Things I wasn't able to do, Master's Law Body made arrangements and helped me to do. In the past year, I have gone through so much and have wanted to write so much because Master has given me so much.
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