(Clearwisdom.net) When I began to practice Falun Gong, I always felt like I was the happiest person in the world because I was immersed in the compassion of Master. After the persecution began on July 20, 1999, because I could not let go of my attachments, I stumbled again and again. Until recently, I always felt that I could not be happy and was depressed. I wanted to be happy when I met people. However, I felt my muscles strain when I tried to smile, and I was unhappy from the bottom of my heart.
At first, I did not think anything was wrong. I also did the three things that Master has asked of us. But it seemed that I did them to accomplish the task. I was not doing them with the responsibility and compassion of a practitioner. I realized that I should look inside. I could not let go of having conflict with my husband. When my husband pointed this out, I was affected. I would be worried when my child got a bad grade. When the procurator agent called me, I began to think about how to deal with it. I recalled all the tests that I had not passed well. I know I still have so many attachments and they are weighing me down.
Master said in the Lecture Nine of Zhuan Falun:
"You know, when a person reaches the Arhat level he's not fazed by anything he comes across. He's not the least bit concerned about any human things and he's always upbeat. It doesn't matter how much he loses out, he's upbeat and doesn't mind. When you can really do that, then you've achieved the initial Arhat Fruition."
My actions were contrary to what Master has told us. How could I be happy? I was aware of the attachments I could not let go of, including being afraid and worried. My attachment to reputation, profits and sentimentality were to satisfy personal needs. If my heart was preoccupied by these dirty things, I definitely could not have true compassion. I could not actively clarify the truth and did not think of others first. I could not meet the requirements of the Fa and did not have the power of the Fa. Now I understand why if a person does not cultivate well they cannot accomplish Dafa work well.
Master has often told us to let go of our attachments:
"...the whole process of cultivation is a process of constantly getting rid of human attachments"(Zhuan Falun)
"Can you bring to heaven the things deep down inside that you cannot let go of?"
("True Cultivation" from Essentials for Further Advancement)
"With attachments left behind, the lightened boats sail swiftly..."
("The Knowing Heart" from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
Why did I have so many attachments that I could not leave behind? First, I did not cultivate my every thought. I also indulged in my attachments. There are no big deals or small deals. Everything is related to cultivation and to letting go of attachments. Secondly, I concealed my attachments by doing Dafa related things. The way I looked at this in the past was that doing these things was considered cultivation. The third and most important was that my faith in Master and the Fa was not strong enough. This was especially true when I had a tribulation in the process of cultivation.
When I could believe, "With Master here, with the Fa here, what do I have to worry about?" I suddenly felt at ease when I understood this. Now whenever I am unhappy, I will think, "What attachments have I not let go?" I will find them and eliminate them. I want to be a good spirited being.
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