(Clearwisdom.net) Vanity was deeply hidden in my life. I was so used to it that I didn't realize it was there. Each day, I couldn't go out without makeup. I paid too much attention to my behavior, worried about other people's impressions of me, and feared that people would not like me.
In the beginning of college, I was so busy with my classes that I neglected to study the Fa and do the exercises. I even couldn't stay focused when sending forth righteous thoughts. Actually, my busyness was a false feeling that the old forces used to interrupt my practicing Falun Gong. At the beginning I tried my best to study well and accord with the state of ordinary people. I didn't notice this at all and I even found phrases from Teacher's lectures as my excuses.
Last weekend, to finish an investigative report, I spent a day and a night on it. I collected materials over the Internet and carefully formatted my report. So, I didn't take time to study the Fa for the whole day. But the worst was my mindset of doing well on my studies and not validating the Fa, and competing with others for honor and trying to make a good impression on the professor.
When I turned in the report, I felt very good because I was the first one to do so. But the professor immediately told me that I had the wrong background color, wrong tone, and wrong formatting. There seemed nothing right with it. Although I had worked on it for a whole day, I had to start all over. On another assignment, after the professor collected them from the class, (there are twenty of us and mine was in the middle) he glanced through the first few papers, and got very angry, rebuking the whole class, saying that our attitude towards our studying was bad.
At that moment, I felt something was wrong. Although he was not blaming me, I knew this was not a coincidence. There is a reason behind whatever happens to us during our cultivation. This instance was pointing to my attachment. Because my attention to my studies is far from what a practitioner should have, how could the results be good?
The wisdom I obtain from the Fa is supernormal. But when I had ordinary peoples thoughts, I gave the evil a means to take advantage of me. I knew that my attitude was wrong and I didn't resist it with strong righteous thoughts.
I recalled what Teacher taught us in his answer to the question about vanity:
"You like it when other people say that you're good. You like it when other people praise and flatter you. You like it when other people respect you. And you are afraid of anything that damages your image. All of which is developing the mentality that is vanity. It's an attachment. The human desire to save face is very strong. In fact, when you set your mind at ease and don't carry so much baggage, you will cultivate faster." (Teaching the Fa at the Fa Conference in Australia)
I often looked down at my classmates. Although I always tried my best to help them with their studies, I usually had the attachment of showing off. I often had a mentality of looking down on them and thinking of them as stupid. Of course, during contradictions, I shouldn't behave like an ordinary person, but that doesn't mean I should look down on others. We are cultivating Truth-Compassion-Forbearance, then where is my compassion?
Teacher described jealousy like this:
"Jealous types look down upon others and don't allow others to surpass them. When they see someone more capable than they, their minds lose all perspective, they find it unbearable, and they deny the fact." (Falun Gong)
Teacher also taught us:
"The issue of jealousy is very serious as it directly involves the matter of whether you can complete cultivation practice. If jealousy is not abolished, everything that you have cultivated will become fragile. There is this rule: If in the course of cultivation practice jealousy is not given up, one will not attain Right Fruit--absolutely not." (Zhuan Falun)
Although I feel I'm cultivating myself all the time, I realized I still have many loopholes in my mindset. Before, I never paid enough attention to them and felt they were not important at all. But we should be minding minor details while holding great aspirations. If not, we will enlarge our small attachments, affecting the whole body.
In this special historical Fa-rectification period, we should do well in ordinary human society. Doing well in the ordinary world is to display the beauty of Dafa and leave a righteous way in the human world, but we should not let selfish principles of the old universe guide us. Once we accord with the old principles, the old forces will have an excuse to take advantage of us.
The above are just some of my personal understandings. Please kindly point out anything you find improper.
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