(Clearwisdom.net) When I first picked up the book Zhuan Falun, I felt this was the very thing that I had been looking for all my life. It answered so many questions that I had been asking for a long time. I hoped that I could be a good person as the book requested and be successful in my cultivation.
I always believed that my initial thought was righteous and I had no other motive in cultivation. When others looked for their fundamental attachments, I did not look for or find mine, and I thought wanting to be a good person was not an attachment. After consistent Fa-study, and learning the book by heart, I realized that I did have a deeply hidden attachment which was very difficult to find. I came into Dafa with a selfish heart. Since this discovery, I began to understand many perplexing situations in my life.
I did not have a keen sense of responsibility. I did not have ill will towards others, but because of my selfishness, I made a lot of mistakes unintentionally. Before I was married, I never did anything for anyone else or think about being considerate. My mother had poor health and my father was exhausted most of the time and had a short temper. I felt the tension at home but only remotely; I did not take care of them and wished they would leave me alone. I wanted so badly to escape from my family environment that I got married, but still did not give any thought about how to be a good wife. I continued to be selfish and felt I did not fit in. My husband came from a traditional family and their caring and loving attitude made me feel uncomfortable. I wished they would leave me alone and let me enjoy my freedom. I took care of them at times only when I wanted to or remembered.
When I obtained Dafa, it first helped me understand what I should and should not do. There was restraint in my heart and it showed in my behavior. I now know there is a standard for everything and I can no longer do as I please. I began taking over the household chores and took care of family members because it was my responsibility to carry out my duty.
I thought I was now able to put others before me, but gradually, I found myself feeling bitter and upset; I was taking on more chores, getting up earlier to make food for my husband, and taking on more responsibilities in the care of our children, but I felt so suffocated and wanted to return to my origin.
I gradually understood from the Fa that I lacked "kindness;" I did not have the heart to care for other people. What I understood from the Fa I carried out through my actions, but whatever I have done was for myself, because I am cultivating myself and want to succeed in my cultivation. The base is still selfishness, which is why I still seek to return.
I began to understand the kindness and compassion that Master has taught us. It is an unconditional form of giving, seeking no return, and wishing for the best for others with no selfish intent. This is the very thing that I lack.
My family has done so much for me: they worried for me when the environment and atmosphere were tense; they took over the burden when I was laid off from my job. My husband endured tremendous pressure when I was forced to leave home. Did I truly care for and show concern for them? I am so ashamed. I have cultivated for many years and realized my attachment to "selfishness" just now.
I believe in the power of compassion. I have not cultivated to that level yet but at least I have realized it now.
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