(Clearwisdom.net) I encountered two consecutive tests: one was about sentimentality and the other about money. Because of my many attachments, I didn’t pass these tests with flying colors. All Falun Gong students know that the more we remove our attachments, the faster we pass our tests and vice versa.
This is the story. One day I was having dinner with my siblings. After dinner, we started to chitchat. Then suddenly my younger brother told me, "Your daughter has already gotten herself into big trouble and now your husband…" He wanted to continue but, on second thought, kept silent. I was confused, not knowing what he wanted to tell me. After I insisted, he finally told me reluctantly, "Your husband was seen with another woman."
My sister-in-law added, "I once saw your husband with a woman near McDonald's. I was dumbfounded, but I dared not tell you." I had had suspicions about my husband having an affair. When I put together all the evidence, including what they told me, I was convinced that my husband was having an affair. Before I had just been suspicious, but my suspicions were proven to be true. There was more than one witness to my husband’s affair. It had to be true. Back in 2002 when the National Security Bureau illegally arrested me, they, too, had told me about my husband’s affair. Now that I knew it was true, I could no longer contain myself. It was outrageous. I knew it was a tribulation to test my xinxing, but I was overwhelmed by all kinds of emotion.
That night I was unable to sleep. My divine side and my human side were battling in my head. At first, my human side prevailed and I felt increasingly angry. I was consumed by jealousy, a competitive mentality, and a desire for revenge. Next my divine side prevailed. Gradually my anger subsided and my hatred melted. My jealous heart finally calmed down. I knew that being a human is bound to involve suffering and being a divine being is great, but it is not as easy to enter godhood as I had expected.
Teacher said,
"But as cultivation is lived out, when the suffering bears down on you and conflicts come up that hit upon the deepest part of you--and especially when it rattles the rigid notions you have--the test is really hard to pass. It can even be to the point that you know full well it's a test but still can't let go of your attachments." ("The Closer to the End, the More Diligent You Should Be")
I thought that I had very little sentimental attachment to my husband, but in fact many of my sentimental attachments were merely dormant under the peaceful surface. Once I was hit where it hurt, all of my human notions suddenly came forward. I tried hard to reject and fight these notions. Meanwhile, in my heart I recited sections from the Fa to myself repeatedly:
"Your Main Consciousness Should Predominate" and "Your Mind Must Be Right" (Zhuan Falun)
"One who is for sentiment brings vexation on himself" ("Being a Human" from Hongyin)
"What is human?
Sentiments and desires fill the body.
What is immortal?
Human mentalities do not exist."
("Distinction Between Human and Enlightened Beings" from Hongyin)
At dawn, I became rational again. My righteous thoughts prevailed over the wicked thoughts. I decided not to respond to my husband’s affair with any hostility. Instead, I wrote him a letter with candor, tranquility, and kindness. I had a long talk with him. Little did I expect that a new round of tribulation would drop at my door before I even passed this test.
During our long talk, my husband confessed another secret. He had accumulated a large debt because he had bought into a lot of illegal lotteries (a type of illegal gambling in China.) There were a lot of debtors tracking him down. He had no money to pay them back, so he was feeling desperate and distressed. He had given up hope and was on the verge of a breakdown. Feeling desperate, he became all the more irrational and started to gamble more.
His confession was devastating to me. Hardly had one wave subsided when another one arose. Disasters came one after another. We were living on limited incomes to start with. Now we had to pay off a large gambling debt. I had no idea how many years it would take for us to be free of debt. The devastating news caused me to lose my temper and reason. I was shocked when I actually hit my husband twice.
For several days following our talk, I felt bitter, hurt, and distressed, but my knowing side told me this was an excellent opportunity to eliminate my attachments and human notions. We must endure the pain and cultivate our xinxing in order to purge the human notions that have been formed for the past several thousand years and to shed our human-ness. Each test and each tribulation is an opportunity for us to eliminate our demon nature and to shed our human shell little by little.
During these two tests, I kept thinking and searching inward. On the surface, my husband hurt me and brought devastating tribulations to our family. But the truth may be that my attachments had caused these tribulations. When I was younger I yearned for a happy, harmonious marriage, but my marriage turned out to be less than satisfactory. I had expected that my married life would be better and my husband would be nice to me, but the more I yearned for a happy marriage, the worse my marriage became. When I grew older, I had the enormous fortune to obtain the Fa and start the journey to return to my true self. However, I yearned for the day of reaching Consummation as soon as possible so that I could escape the sea of hardship in the human realm for good. Because of my attachment, my husband betrayed me and brought me a huge debt in the sunset of our lives.
I have finally found the root cause. For many years, I had failed to eliminate my pursuit of a happy and harmonious marriage. The old forces and dark minions saw my attachment and exploited this loophole. This was the root cause of these two tribulations. During the process of writing this article, I finally found this attachment, which I should have eliminated a long time ago.
Despite severe interference, I finished writing this article. I must expose and suffocate those evil, rotten demons and dark minions that have been hard at work.
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