(Clearwisdom.net)
After I read Master's recent article "Pass the Deadly Test," I was deeply moved by Master's mighty mercy and at the same time, I also felt conscience-stricken because of my attachment and wrong deeds. I am writing this article in order to make my attachments public, to correct myself ,and to return to the path of Dafa cultivation.
Not too long ago, because I was bewildered with sentiment, lust, and desire, my behavior and language were wrong and shameful for a cultivator. Afterwards, I bitterly regretted my conduct, and my body and mind experienced huge pressure that the evil exerted upon me. With Master's mighty benevolence, I was able to pull through. But later, significant interferences appeared, trying to wear down my will to cultivate. With Master's hint, I realized that it was necessary to write this article in order to thoroughly expose my sinful wrong actions and to analyze my attachment and root causes that had resulted in my wrongdoing, so that I could let go of the burden and be a clean Dafa practitioner.
These included the following several aspects:
1. When I started to cultivate, I did not let go of the desires for sentiment and lust because I did not want to give them up. At the end of 2002, I started to learn the Fa and do the exercises. Later, because of my particular attachments I was not diligent at all until I came to England in 2003. I had known about Falun Dafa since the beginning of 1995, but I did not start to cultivate Dafa mainly because I did not want to give up the desires for sentiment and lust. I had a very strong longing and desire for "romantic love." Because I had never experienced this kind of feeling in my life thus far, I had many fantasies about it and formed strong attachments. At the same time, I was also greatly influenced by everyday society and formed very strong thought karma. At the beginning of my cultivation, I was still not willing to give up this attachment.
My situation can be seen from Master's words,
"Studying the Fa with attachments is not true cultivation. Yet during the course of cultivation a person may gradually become aware of his fundamental attachments, rid himself of them, and thus meet the standard for a cultivator. What's a fundamental attachment, then? Human beings acquire many notions in this world and are, as a consequence, driven by these notions to pursue what they yearn for. But when a person comes to this world, it is karmic arrangements that determine his course of life and what will be gained and lost in it. How could a person's notions determine each stage of his life? So those so-called 'beautiful dreams and wishes' become pursuits that can never be realized, despite painful attachments." ("Towards Consummation" from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
This paragraph of Master's teaching accurately described my situation. During my cultivation, I have been tested multiple times and I did not do well; each time I was deeply trapped. I was also tested in my dreams and very few times did I pass the test successfully. I even behaved badly in my dreams. The attachment that I did not let go of for a long time was used by the evil to "create conditions" and enlarge them. It caused me to think that I had run into affection and further lead me to deviate from Dafa and to do the wrong thing.
2. When my fundamental attachment was enlarged, some of my other attachments were also used by the evil. These included the attachments to showing off, zealotry, fame, and profit. I used to be very lonely for a long time and there were not many opportunities for me to obtain approval, affirmation, or appreciation from others. I formed the notion of being concerned about what others thought about me. I hoped to gain approval and appreciation from others. When trapped in sentiment, my attachment was satisfied and enhanced. My sentiment had started from being appreciated, and my self-centered attachments were much inflated by appreciation. I then started to have the mentality of looking down on and picking on other practitioners. This was the mentality of arrogance. I thought of myself as being great, which was the beginning of demonic interference from my own mind.
3. During the entire process of sentimentality, I did not follow the standard of a cultivator, which added fuel to the flames. I had a very strong mentality of self-respect and vying for supremacy. This mentality completely ignored morality and made me show off and even compete with others for bad deeds. I was, in turn, pursuing even worse things. It was another manifestation of the mentality of zealotry and worrying about what others might think about me. I could not accept that others looked down on me. I also pursued personal feelings and excitement.
4. Another mentality of mine, the worst one, was the lack of respect for Master and Dafa. I could not control myself and was trapped in my attachments. After Master taught us the Fa regarding the test of lust in "Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles," I ignored the teaching. Under the manipulation of my attachment, I even removed Master's picture before my shameful conduct, trying to bury my head in the sand.
5. During that period, when I studied the "Fa" and sent forth righteous thoughts, I lost my concentration more and more and I easily felt sleepy and had a blurry mind.
6. Because I did not follow the teachings of the Fa, the evil took advantage of my attachments and showed me a series of illusions. They let me believe that the development of my sentiments was all natural and brought me various advantages. Although I sometimes felt that something was not right, I still pushed the boat along. This was the same as to accept the crooked understanding the evil tried to fill me with. It was just as Master mentioned,
"They know [and think to themselves], 'Li Hongzhi, you won't abandon your disciples, so we will make you abandon them.' That's why they have the students who have made mistakes make more mistakes, over and over, and in the end do wicked things and go to the opposite side. 'We will fill his head with crooked understandings and make him damage Dafa. Then we will see if you still keep him.'" ("Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles" on February 25, 2006)
Actually, from the time I started to deviate from Dafa to my final ignominious conduct, there were several hints pointed out to me, but I did not stop my wrong behavior. The first hint was a dream. In the dream, I saw a book on the desk. It was Zhuan Falun. When I opened the book I saw that the content of one chapter had been changed and there were even some mathematics in the chapter. At that moment in the dream a fellow practitioner told me that Master had revised the book. In order to examine whether it was true I opened the book and on the first page I saw Master's name and picture. I then thought it had to be true and I started to read. Later the scene in the dream started to change and a TV screen appeared showing animated cartoons. Suddenly the screen showed pornographic scenes. Now I realize that it was an evil dream and it also indicated what would happen later. This dream reflected that I did not have a firm belief in Dafa. How could Zhuan Falun have been changed?
Moreover, the evil let me believe that I was diligent because I did continue to do Dafa work. But now I completely understand that doing Dafa work is not cultivation! While doing the work, if one does not have a correct mindset, he can still deviate from Dafa.
7. After my mistake, I suddenly woke up. But blaming myself and having a guilty conscience was enlarged by the evil and my body and mind suffered unprecedented, formidable pressure. The image and thought that I had committed an unforgivable crime kept appearing in my mind, which caused me to have great pain and regret. The feeling was a kind of fear and despair of not knowing whether I would still have a future. Relying on my belief that Master would not give up on me, I quickly talked to a practitioner with whom I was close and told him about my mistake. I then felt immediate relief. I do not know how much Master had endured for me and I was really ashamed, but I knew that without Master's mercy, it would be impossible for me to pull through that most difficult time. Afterwards, while I continued doing Dafa work, I was still significantly interfered with. They made me feel that I was not worthy of doing this work and of cultivating anymore. But I kept sending forth righteous thoughts and kept thinking all the time that Master is with me. With the thought that "When Disciples Have Sufficient Righteous Thoughts, Master Has the Almighty Power to Turn the Cosmos Around." (Hong Yin II, provisional translation) I expelled the interferences. At that moment, I really felt that Master's law body was with me and Master is so merciful and still helps me to pull through the tribulations.
After I exposed my mistakes, the sentimental factors disappeared immediately and I no longer had the feeling of liking or disliking somebody. Through this I also learned that the sentiment was not real.
Above are the fundamental elements that I discovered were the causes of my wrong deeds. Whether it was pursuing ordinary people's feelings and sentiments, enjoying praise and appreciation, vying for supremacy, or the worst of all, not respecting Dafa, all of them originated from my attachment to self. In normal situations these attachments did not show up intensely, but when I used the mentality of an ordinary person to think about things, it would outweigh the Fa principle to measure things, or I would quote the content of Dafa out of context in order to prove that I was right, which was attachment to self. Very often I looked at the insufficiency of others but ignored my own cultivation. That is the reason why I always felt that there was a layer of isolation that separated me from Dafa and therefore I did not solidly cultivate myself.
The most important point is that I did not put sufficient weight on studying the Fa. In the process of being mislead by the evil to make mistakes, the evil made me sleepy or lose concentration when I tried to study the Fa. Then, when I was faced with the evil tribulation, I did not have strong enough righteous thoughts to overcome my attachments and I totally forgot that I was a cultivator.
The third point is the attachment to being a human
I wrote this article to completely expose all my human attachments, especially the filthiest part. I wanted to expose that I did not pay attention to studying the Fa, lacked solid cultivation, was not serious about cultivation, and liked to reach for things that were beyond my capability. It also exposed my behavior amongst tribulations that I failed to cultivate with a firm determination. I also exposed my worst conduct that should not have happened due to my intense attachment to myself. I also realized that all kinds of attachments originate from sentiment and that having an ordinary person's mentality is a factor that could possibly turn into and compromise with the evil. I also felt Master's boundless mercy.
Afterwards, I returned to cultivation. But in my mind I still could not completely get rid of the evil, which was also a manifestation of the attachment to personal gains and losses. Therefore I frequently had interference and was pestered by the evil. For instance, one time while I was doing the Falun Gong exercises, an old witch appeared again in my mind. It was gloomy and terrible and my whole body immediately felt cold and tingled with numbness. I then sent forth righteous thoughts in order to eliminate it.
There was a series of other interference. For instance, I participated in the activities for World Falun Dafa Day on May 13 of this year. I set off with a very good mentality, but everything I came in contact with afterwards caused me to blame myself intensely and I felt regretful. Therefore, I did not want to get close to other practitioners. During the process, with righteous thoughts, I asked Master to strengthen me by helping me to negate my shortcomings. Finally, I was able to deny the incorrect mentality and closely work with other practitioners and validate Dafa together with them. But deep in my mind I still felt a layer of isolation. With Master's help, I also eliminated interferences when reading the Fa. During the activities, fellow practitioners' affirmation of me made me deeply feel Master's mercy. Master kept encouraging me. After I went back home, I was interfered with again. At night while I was asleep, I saw the scene of the old witch again. As soon as she appeared, my whole body tingled with numbness. In my mind, I called Master for help. I quickly woke up and tried to say something but it was very difficult. I tried hard and then finally I was able to speak out the Fa rectification phrases. I was then able to sit up. I sent forth righteous thoughts for a while and then went back to sleep.
Then one time a swelling appeared on my nose. I kept thinking that it was related to my wrongdoing. During the activities on May 13, many fellow practitioners asked me about this swelling. Later Master gave me a hint through another practitioner's words that I should discard the mentality of trying to "save face." In other words I should publicly expose my wrongdoing. I originally thought of writing an article to the Minghui website (the Chinese version of Clearwisdom). But deep in my mind there still remained the mentality of wanting to save face. Because, if I only send the article to the Minghui website, not every practitioner in the UK would be able to read it. Among them were practitioners to whom I am very close and I was not willing to lose face in front of them. Later I came to realize that this is also an attachment and I then decided that it was better to expose my wrongdoing publicly to the UK practitioners. At the same time I also sent this article to the Minghui Website.
Here I solemnly declare that I want to negate all my wrongdoings and deny the persecution and the interference by the old forces. I want to correct my mentality, start to do well again, return to the path of cultivation, and be a dignified Dafa practitioner. I will be worthy of Master's salvation! I will firmly walk on the path of Dafa cultivation!
Through making my wrongdoings public, I also came to understand a principle: as a Dafa practitioner I should follow Master's teachings without hesitation or excuses. Master taught us to expose our own bad deeds that we have committed. Therefore, any human mentality, such as trying to save face or having fear, should not be used as an excuse to avoid exposing wrongdoing. Those are all attachments to self. The same applies when doing Dafa projects. In the past I wanted to let go of my selfishness one way or another. But in the end, I realized that I was still attached to my own consummation. Now I understand that I should not worry about which way I am doing something or worry about which way is better. I should do whatever Master tells us to do. For a Dafa practitioner, that is the way it should be. Why should I still be attached to fame and fortune?
The above is my solemn declaration and experience.
Many thanks to our great and benevolent Master and many thanks to fellow practitioners!
May 15, 2006
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